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Your STD Stories | Dicks Out of Water

August 27, 2019


Gimme an S! Gimme a T! Gimme a D! What does that spell?! STDDDDDDDD!! Sure… We asked you for your stories about sexually transmitted diseases, and you shared them with us. And now here are our male co-workers to read them for you. Wear protection. “Me and this guy were doing the sex with a girl he found on Tinder… We had a pretty great four minutes, but a couple weeks later we went to the doctor. Turns out she had a foot thing and we got athlete’s foot all over our special places.” So it was a threesome! With a Tinder date! And they got athlete’s foot, on their dangles… I wanna just say: If you went out of your way to get a threesome through Tinder, it better have been a-longer than a-four minutes! “My ex boyfriend and I were trying to be safe, so I got a condom from a friend at school. A couple days later, he texted me and says that he had some weird discharge. My mom had my phone at the time… So she called me into the room, read the text, and then called my doctor. Turns out everything was fine. My boyfriend just got a really bad yeast infection from the condom. Lesson is: Don’t use oral condoms for vaginal sex.” Another lesson: Put your phone on airplane mode, then your mother wouldn’t see that. “I had a one night stand and I found out he gave me oral gonorrhea. After I told him, he had to go in with his mother to receive a shot. The nurse told me she had to hold his hand…” Very sweet of the nurse… “When my boyfriend and I first started dating, his ex girlfriend called him a week before Christmas to tell him she had the herpe-derp…” …That’s not a scientific term. “We both justifiably freaked out and got tested. We got our results and luckily, we were good. She’d gotten it from the guy she’d been cheating on him with. Now he gets to joke about the time he almost gave me herpes for Christmas.” Herpes is more like Hanukkah ’cause it seems to last forever… [stadium cheers] “Once I went to a new gyno, who, without any testing, told me I had an STD because ‘my vagina shouldn’t be that bumpy.’ I flipped out, went to Planned Parenthood, and got a clean bill of health. Turns out the bumps were goosebumps.” This is… Peculiar. I didn’t know you can get goosebumps… …on your box. “I was hooking up with a guy and decided to finish him with a blowjob. When he ejaculated, I realized it was chunky. Horrified, I spit it up…” That was a good move. “Turns out, he had chlamydia!” Oh god… “Also I found out it’s possible to get oral chlamydia.” This horrible man… I wonder if he knew? If he did it on purpose, he’s worse than Donald Trump. “I once thought I had an STD on my mouth because I sucked a guys dick with no condom. Turns out I just had really chapped lips.” Chapped lips? Damn, that’s- What kind of chapped lips do you get, that you think you had an STD? Damn, do I have ChapStick? Let me just get my sh*t right, you know? Just in case, you know? I’m not out suckin’ dick, but still, you know? Next week we’re talking about creepy ass teachers. And pervy professors. So leave your stories in the comments below. And check out a brand new Weep Show tomorrow, on Facebook Live, at 3:30 PM with guest Farah Brook! Wooo!

36 Comments

  • Reply 2b Sirius February 23, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    This would be a great advert for celibacy.

  • Reply Eloise Thompson February 23, 2017 at 5:19 pm

    In middle school, we had this computer teacher who we caught one day looking at porn on his computer. We were all just doing our Excel homework or whatever, and I guess he hit a wrong button because porn showed up on the projector. He was pretty quickly fired after that.

  • Reply Allyson Sikes February 23, 2017 at 6:04 pm

    We were taking a test in my AP Statistics class, when my teacher told the girl sitting next to me that he liked her shirt. I was wearing a similar shirt, so jokingly I said "What about my shirt?" He then turned to me and said, "I like the bottom better than the top." Then he smirked and walked away.

  • Reply Phoebe Thompson February 23, 2017 at 6:14 pm

    in my college their is a male tutor and unfortunately he was my tutor he would always stand thin hands reach distance from me and would always be looking at my chest when he was talking to me. what makes the whole thing worse is he comes to have a daughter my age.17.

  • Reply Jillian Ferretti February 23, 2017 at 6:54 pm

    Classic case of inappropriate high school substitute. My friends and I sat near the front of the class, and we'd already finished our worksheets, so the sub tried to join in on our conversation by asking us if we'd been to the gynecologist yet. A month later he was fired for watching porn in class.

  • Reply sheepneverlearn February 23, 2017 at 7:22 pm

    this didn't happen to me, but to an acquaintance from college. she (18) started dating a latin professor (38) on the first semester, but he was in the middle of a messy divorce and his ex physically attacked her at least once. she broke up with him after 3 years of dating (i think), and not too long after, he started dating another 1st year student. which is creepy.

  • Reply Kassandra Claborn February 23, 2017 at 7:28 pm

    I was on the debate team in HS and one time at a competition the judge for a round was the coach from another school. On my ballot he wrote "I would have given you first if your skirt was shorter, show off those beautiful long legs." I then avoided him at every competition frome then on after.

  • Reply Linnea Diaz February 23, 2017 at 7:57 pm

    In middle school I had this creepy math teacher . It was known by all that he would purposely make the first two rows in his class ONLY girls..in the hopes of sneaking a peek of the ones wearing skirts. As far as I know he's never actually done anything. But that year of being stared at forever made me untrustworthy of older men with soft features.

  • Reply NikkiLahvU2 February 23, 2017 at 8:12 pm

    In middle school we had a sub who would fill in and always ended up in my classes. He always gave me a weird vibe because he was way too nice to everyone and once admitted to students he was into black girls. (he also pronounced my European name in a "ghetto" way when he say my skin didn't match the name.) I liked to keep my distance from him. One day I was sick and skipped school and my best friend messaged me freaking out that one of the teachers kidnapped a 12 year old girl. i thought she was kidding but she sent me an article that had his face as the first thing you saw. He went to jail but it still creeps me out that the first day we met he memorized my full name and birthday and always actively tried to speak to me or be around me in class.

  • Reply NikkiLahvU2 February 23, 2017 at 8:17 pm

    In a middle school different from my previous comment, the eighth grade girls all tried to petition to not wear their cheer clothes on days when we had ganes because the PE teacher would make them run faster or stare or something of the sort. He ended up getting fired two years later after a student walked in on him and other students talking about his sex life with his wife

  • Reply Em Cameron February 23, 2017 at 9:06 pm

    In high school we had a senior drama festival. All the seniors directed plays, some of us wrote our own, most of us were in at least two other shows, running tech, et cetera. It was a lot. At the end of the last night of a very intense week, one of my good friends in the program & I were having an exhausted celebratory hug when our drama teacher came up behind us & called out "female wrestling, my favourite!" It was very super awkward having a teacher sexualize us out of nowhere, especially since a) he was generally a chill guy & b) as a lil baby queer I was already plenty self-conscious about how affectionate I was allowed to be with platonic female friends in public.

  • Reply Clam Clam February 23, 2017 at 10:14 pm

    Brad Does Banter

  • Reply Josie Harding February 23, 2017 at 10:24 pm

    THEY READ MY STORY

  • Reply Josie Harding February 23, 2017 at 10:28 pm

    Why did they have the hottest guy read mine tho I'm deceased

  • Reply Krysthania W. February 23, 2017 at 11:35 pm

    In my high school photo class me and a friend were doing negative stills and found one of our photos missing after we left them for our teacher to develop. Because we hadn't been there to develop it, we only had a vague idea of what was in the photo. When we found it on his desk a few weeks later we saw that it was shot of my friend's cleavage. She must have been adjusting the camera and accidentally exposed the film. I made it my mission to torment him after that.

  • Reply Lythellia February 24, 2017 at 12:15 am

    Creepy music teacher would always find reasons to grab girls boobs to "help" them do "breathing exercises". One day he cornered me in one of the music rooms where i was practicing piano and declared he couldn't read sheet music and then asked if I, then 13 years old, would come over to his house one evening and teach him, a music teacher, how to read music

  • Reply Georgia Cyriax February 24, 2017 at 2:26 am

    In sixth grade, we had a teacher who was well known to be pervy. He was really tall and he'd come over and stare down girl's shirts if they asked for help. (I never asked for help, and that's probably why I'm so bad at basic math) One time, my mom came to help serve lunch, and she said "I noticed him looking at all the sixth girls' butts, but they're kind of asking for it, wearing such short shorts." He's been working in that middle school, teaching 11-12 year olds for more than 15 years and according to my older sister he's always had that reputation.

  • Reply Georgia Cyriax February 24, 2017 at 2:29 am

    At my friend's middle school, there was this teacher who was in general kind of creepy, but he finally got fired, because he asked some girl to take a pen out of his pocket. Anyway, I was hanging out with said friend one day. She checked her phone and she had gotten a friend request on facebook from that pervy teacher (after he had gotten fired). Needless to say, she denied his request.

  • Reply Emily Presley February 24, 2017 at 3:34 am

    In seventh grade we had to take health and there was this one teacher who was super creepy. He would always place the girls with boobs in the front of the class. We all kept a hoodie in our lockers so we could throw it on and zip it all the way up before we got to his class. It didn't stop him from staring, but it made us feel better

  • Reply Jackelyne Nuñez February 24, 2017 at 4:07 am

    My philosophy teacher hired me as his personal assistant. He then added me on all social media and wrote creepy comments on all my photos. He made me feel really uncomfortable and guys in my class would usually hang with me after hours so I wouldn't be alone with him. One time I was alone with him….he ended up talking about his romantic past and offered to give me a back massage cause I look tense. I quit my job and dropped the class. He wouldn't stop calling me so I had to block him. Worst start to college ever.

  • Reply ETphonehome February 24, 2017 at 4:42 am

    I was freshman in high school, and my science teacher was talking, walking down the classroom. He then stops dead in his tracks in front of me, turns around, and asks me to talk to him in the hall, where he told me all nervous and sweating, refusing to look at me, my tank top was too distracting and I had to put something else on or I would have to leave his classroom for the day. That whole year I wore a hoodie zipped up all the way for his class, and tried to never be alone with him again

  • Reply Susanne Lepelaar February 24, 2017 at 3:52 pm

    when i was younger (13/14). i had a hiphop dance teacher. he was really gross looking. we always had to climb over fences and break in to a studio.. he always 'forgot his Keys'.. He only gave attention to the Girls with the larger breast and he wanted to take us to another country for dancing competitions. well couple years later he got arrested for pedofilia and abuse. thank God my parents took me of of his lessons..

  • Reply Sylvia Borey February 24, 2017 at 8:10 pm

    In high school I had a female Chinese teacher who was actually from China. She was a little to touchy. Like when we'd ask for help she would stand to close to put her hand on our shoulder. One day I wore a shirt that was a bit tight. She tried to tell me something but all I understood was pretty. She then made an hour glass shape with her hands and made an oh la la type noise. I think she just did't understand boundaries.

  • Reply Alistair - H Paradoxæ February 24, 2017 at 11:38 pm

    I have no story but if my high school English teacher is watching this, I'm sorry I threw up on you, English always gave me anxiety.

  • Reply literaturenerd February 25, 2017 at 1:52 am

    In middle school there was a science teacher who everyone knew was disgusting but somehow never got fired. We used to all zip up our sweatshirts when we came into class because if you didn't, he'd stand behind you to "check your work." Did I mention he was the girls' swim coach?

  • Reply Ashleigh Payne February 25, 2017 at 4:55 am

    I really should have been more alarmed by this at the time but my teacher would send me text messages over the school holidays. Once I told him that I was away with my family. I told him where we were and the next day while we were out shopping he was there. He told my parents he was visiting someone and it was just a coincidence but at the time I knew that probably wasn't true.

  • Reply Paola Villarruel February 25, 2017 at 9:47 pm

    In high school we had this math professor that everyone hated because he was really strict. I guess he had knowledge on the subject and got a better job. After he left, a couple of friends were looking through his school owned computer and found dick pics, by the angle of the photos we knew it was his dick… but the other dick pictures were from other dudes.

  • Reply Q February 26, 2017 at 12:31 am

    A teacher at my school was having sex with a few students for a while. He was tried, arrested, and fired. He was almost my religion teacher.

  • Reply ANEMPL February 26, 2017 at 6:43 am

    in year 8-9 I went to a school that had lots of super young teachers all 24 fresh from uni

    one was our PE/Art teacher a really tall dude who had failed to become an athlete due to a bad knee injury and he resented the only tall athletic body in our school of 150 students

    worse he was so competitive with the boy he started cracking on to all the attractive girls in his year

    the boy was 14

    at our school dance this teacher was dancing with this boys ex who was also 14 he was grinding on her and everything but the girls didn't care because he was young and hot

    it wasn't till a few years later when he got older and less attractive did anyone give a shit that he was cracking onto girls ten years his junior some who hadn't even fully hit puberty yet

    I was never more glad for being fat in my life.

  • Reply Lizeth Andrade February 27, 2017 at 2:25 am

    A couple of weeks ago, I was late to school as usual, but my vice principal saw me and said, "hey sweety, that skirts uh, a little short" and smirked and watched me walk away
    Usually if an administrator sees me and im out of dress code, they tell me to change my clothes, but this dude really watched a 17 yr old walk up some stairs..

  • Reply Taite1999 February 27, 2017 at 2:37 am

    There's this P.E. teacher at my school who is notorious for teaching slightly creepy sex-ed classes and when I was in grade 10, I was unfortunately placed in his class. One day he was teaching us about the importance of condoms and singled out about 5 girls, myself included, to go up to the front of the class and put condoms on bananas. He had us not only roll the condoms onto the banana but also stroke them for about five minutes to make sure we "Got a good idea of how it felt to stroke a condom" while he stared at us.

  • Reply Small Cilantro February 28, 2017 at 5:06 am

    So my FFA instructor and Floriculture teacher tried so cringe inducing hard to be a "cool teacher " by letting us have our phones out in class, and not even bothering with a lesson plan on Friday's. Then it slid into adding all the girls on snap chat and sending us his nasty nudes with his dog always in the background.

  • Reply Mitsuko Thomas March 2, 2017 at 6:20 am

    my history teacher in junior year of high school always creeped me out because every time i went to class he would try to start a conversation with me that had no relevance to the lesson such as talking about my personal life and would touch me, not inappropriately but enough to make me extremely uncomfortable

  • Reply Project Nintendo March 2, 2017 at 11:19 pm

    gross

  • Reply TheNuttyMacadamian March 7, 2017 at 6:01 am

    I love this series, you guys are awesome!!!

  • Reply Domagoj Krišković January 18, 2019 at 6:52 pm

    this is so boring! Number of wiews tells also!!

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