Two eggs. Two eggs, going in. Two sticks of butter. Butter all done. Three fingers of Brandy. It doesn’t say that, Barbie. Damn it. You can read? That sucks! So when you said. “Let’s make cupcakes.” I kind of thought you’d actually be involved. I am involved. I’m management. You’re an idiot. Hey, show some respect. I gave you life. You give me anxiety. Hello. Don’t care. Goodbye. Hey, Skippity Skip. You wanna make cupcakes with us? They’re gonna be boozy. They’re gonna be vanilla. Your life is gonna be vanilla. What? No, just came for a soda. Anselm is helping me with some homework in my room. Pretend I don’t exist, please. I do it everyday. Much appreciated. God, love her. She’s such a sh*thead. She’s also such a liar. Yeah. Who does homework with their boyfriend in their bedroom on a Saturday morning? People who are serious about their school? *Laughter* Oh, please. So what do you think they’re doing up there? Listen, if you’re this dumb. You have no business being cupcake management. I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. Well, it rhymes with sex, because it is sex. That’s what they’re doing. No, no, no, no, no. This is Skipper we’re talking about. Skipper and Anselm. Those two wouldn’t even know what goes in where. I would’ve said the same thing a few weeks ago, but they seem a little different now. They spend more time together. They are more touchy-feely. Skipper laughs a LOT more. Which is a fairly large red flag, I’d say. Given how emotionless she generally is. No, Skipper is a hardcore prude. I’m gonna give you an example from just last week. ehaaahh haahh I’ve got your phone skipper. Let’s see what I can extort you with. Oh my God! You have a contact labeled “Daddy”. I’m calling it! *phone ringing* *Kens phone ringing* Hey, Skippity doo dah. What are you doing? Ughh. You f**king virgin. Skip? Skipper? Hello…? See? Case closed. There is no way. Agree to disagree. I agree to nothing. Provide me with hard evidence right now. How about the Google searches on contraceptive options I found in her internet search history? Circumstantial. Could’ve been doing a project for sex ed-class. Okay, fine. How about the copy of the Kama Sutra book? I found while I was cleaning her room. Oh, that’s mine. Must have left it when your dad and I were in there… also cleaning.. her room. All right, then. There’s this receipt from Veronica’s Mystery totaling 106 dollars. You wouldn’t know this, because you don’t have breasts. But that isn’t even a lot of money. Honestly, that was probably the cost of one bra. Actually, It was the cost of one bra and one pair of panties. So? They’re matching. *Gasp* Oh my god The only women that match their bra to their panties are escorts and newcomers to sex who think guys actually care about those things like that. Holy f**k. She’s doing it! That’s what we’re saying. Finally, finally! One of my dumb ass children does something that impresses me. I thought I was gonna die with virgins for daughters. Listen, we all know I’m gonna deliver in that department when the time comes. Skipper has more in her cooch than just tumbleweeds and yeast. I’m gonna go congratulate her. This ooOooOoh This is the day that the Lord has maaAaaAde Ugh. Thank Mattel she’s gone. We can finally make these cupcakes without her goddamn management. You’re off to a good start, Skip. I think your essay on “Left-handedness fact or conspiracy?” is gonna be killer. Yeah, I mean.. thanks! I mean you helped a lot so.. God, you’re pretty… What? I gotta go to work. Are you gonna come over tonight? Sure, you okay? Yeah.. No.. I don’t know.. Okay, see you later. *kiss* *Shy laugh* *Crying laugh* Oh my God. Who am I. No, I’m not! Prove it. Later, Mrs. R. Fan of your work. Hi, f**kface. Why are you camped in a chair outside my bedroom? Just waiting. Didn’t wanna interrupt anything. Uh-huh…? Sooo, what’s new with you? How are things? Nothing and fine. Good. That’s good. Mmm. Sooooo… You’ve… seen any good movies.. …lately? Actually, I did see this interesting french-film,- I know you’ve been having sex with Anselm, you dirty whore! I’m so happy for you! What? Don’t be like that, slut. I’ve been pretending it for years, but today we are actually sisters. Spill the deets! Deets about what? What he’s like? What you guys do? Is he a moaner or a grunter? Does he have a foot fetish? How do you guys motorboat with your flat chest? Barbie, we’re still not having sex. You bring this up weekly, please just let it go. I have evidence to the contrary this time. You went to Veronica’s Mystery and bought a bra and panties that match! Damn it. You have been SPRUNG my young harlot. Okay, okay, Okay. Look we haven’t had sex,- Ah, f**k off. but I guess.. I kind of.. want to ooOOoooOhh, f**k off.😏 I’m not discussing this with you. Why? I’m the perfect person to discuss this with. I’ve had so much sex! I’m like a sex expert. A sexpert if you will. Get out. Cum on. I already had to come to terms with your heterosexuality. Which, let’s be honest. I never expected or prepared for. Give a dying woman something to live for! You’re dying? Yes. Aren’t we all slowly dying? *sigh* I just.. I.. I don’t know how to.. to,- To get.. wine stains out of lycra? Neither do I. I don’t know how to initiate it. I feel ready now and I’ve been trying to hint at that, but he’s not getting it. He’s all about being respectful and acting gentlemanly and waiting for a complete verbal consent. Gross. I know, it’s really annoying. Well, what are your moves? Uhm. I’ve been laughing at things he says and I’ll tell him it looks like he’s been working out when it doesn’t actually look like that. And I invite him over most nights and when he says. “What do you want to do?” I go. “Mmm. I don’t know. What do you wanna do? That’s it? Uh, yeah. Skipper, honey. Everything you just said are things I would say to my grandfather. I know. No, seriously. Your seduction game is crap. Had I not felt every damn inch if you push your way out of my vagina. I would swear that we had no genetic relation at all. Okay, are you gonna be helpful or keep insulting me? Potentially a little of both? Here’s what you gotta learn. Boys, they’re dumb. Okay? Like, they’re gonna tell you. “Women are so complicated.” And we’re really not. They’re just stupid. You gotta spell this sh*t out for them, Okay? Okay..? Right. So, forget subtlety. Subtlety is out the window. You gotta be more or less explicit with what you wanna do with him. So, I just tell him I wanna have sex. No, I said more or less explicit. Not completely explicit. So, how would I do that? Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like to educate you using a visual medium. I do mind. Let’s not. No, It’ll be fun. Call “Daddy” in your phone and tell him to come here, then stall it. *Dials Ken* I cannot believe *Ken picks up* uh, yeah dad? Can you come up to my room for a quick se,- … That I’m actually discussing all this with you. Why? I have a lifetime of knowledge that I freely dish out against your will every other day. You might as well actually utilize some. Amazingly, she has a point. Hey, sweetie. You called? Uh, yeah, I um.. I was.. just.. wondering about.. What your take is on the current political climate in North Korea? Ah, I’m glad you asked. I mean, really to understand the political climate we first have to delve into political history,- Hi, Ken. *sensual music😏* Oh, hello. I thought I heard your voice. Did you? Yeah, see I was just in the bath. Uh-uh. Naked. Right. Lathering the curves of my body. Good God. And you know what I was thinking? No, please God. Tell me. I was thinking that I would much prefer if you were there with me.. in the bath. Right. Naked. Yes. Lathering the curves of my body. Skip, can our discussion wait a little bit. Your mom wants to have sex! Thank you! See? More or less explicit. Never said it directly. He still got it. Interesting. Okay. Thanks, Barbie. I’ve got something to work with now. Hey, can you teach me how to do the cool lighting change? Of course! Are we gonna have sex now? No, I’m busy. I thought you wanted to? No! Go away! Women are so complicated. All right, it’s go time! Pep talk from the coach. You’ve been taking your pill? Yeah. You showered? Yeah. You shaved? Can we keep just a little mystery between us, please? All righty, get upstairs and break a leg. I’m really scared. Does it hurt? I don’t f**king remember. Listen, stop being weird. I got a sexual reputation to protect. I just.. don’t want it to suck. Skipper. It’s your first time. It’s gonna suck. It’s gonna be so crap and you’re gonna be like. “That’s it? That’s sex? Why the f**k does anyone do this? It’s disgusting.” You’re not exactly instilling confidence. I’m instilling reality for you, kitten. *Ding dong* He’s here! F*ck off! Hey, Mrs R. Hello, Anselm. Welcome to my home and can I just say that I am very tired and I might go to bed right now and sleep very late tomorrow morning. Meaning I will be completely unaware of the time you end up leaving or what state you end up leaving in. Uh, Okay… Now, go forth my son. Be free. Godspeed. But not too much Godspeed. You know what I’m saying? What was that about? Skipper and Anselm are gonna have sex. What! I’m panicking! I know, so cute. Let’s play Scrabble. You gotta stop her, Barbie! They’re too young! Ken, they’re mature young adults who can make their own decisions. He’s a little punk ass bitch! Who’s touching my little girl! Let me kill him! Just calm down, okay. Let them have this. Don’t you remember how fun and special your first time was? No. You accosted me under the school bleachers then you got pregnant with my kid and proceeded to forget who I was for like years.. And now that same kid is upstairs about to make the same mistake! Well, my first time was not a regrettable experience at all My dad’s business associate was very gentle and loving. and then a short time later he found out that I was not 21, like I said, but in fact 14. And screamed about how I’d ruined his life. And then his marriage ended.. And then it leaked and cost my dad a promotion. And then my parents all but disowned me. My mother would make me bathe for hours a day scrubbing my skin until it bled. Telling me I’d never be. “Clean enough”, and then I developed a taste for a single malt bourbon. This story seems like it’s gonna go on for a while. Should I sit down? I tried to get my daddy’s promotion by appealing to his boss, but I appealed a little too strongly to his boss.. if you understand where I’m going..? Oh, boy. Hey, Skip. Your mom’s being weird again. Oh. Hey, Anselm. *Sensual music, again😏* I didn’t realize you’d.. arrived. Uh.. yeah. You look different. That’s funny, cause I feel kind of different. Oh, okay. Can I tell you something? I was in the shower earlier.. naked. And I was thinking of how difficult it is to wash my own back.. and how there must be some way to lather the parts of my body that are.. too hard to reach.. Yeah, you know they sell these sponges that are on these long sticks for that purpose. You can get them from Bath & Body stuff. They’re only like 4.95. You’re kidding me. No, they’re cheap. What? You seem upset. No, I’m fine. Let me just change real quick. We can watch a movie or something. Don’t do it! Uh, Barbie! Were kinda in the middle of something here! I know! Stop! Stop the sex! What? What? I know you want to and I encouraged it, but I think you just shouldn’t! You wanted to have sex? Barbie! Can you not ruin my life for like, one goddamn second please! That’s what I’m trying to do! I’m trying to keep you from ruining your life, like I did! I’m not you! I wasn’t always me either Skipper! I became me through bad choices! Bad choices are mine to make! Anselm. I know skipper has insinuated she wants to have sex, but please REFRAIN. She’s insinuated what? Why is he confused? Did you do the thing? Yes, he didn’t get it OhoOOoooH.. Well, I have definitely put my foot in it now. Skipper. You should’ve just told me explicitly. You don’t just say it explicitly. There is a whole process involved, Anselm. Do I need to show him too? Just get out, Barbie! It’s ruined, anyway. I am very sorry for this turn of events. This is not what I thought I was walking into. However, if it maybe saves your dad a promotion and intercepts a crippling future drinking problem, then it was all for the best. Let me tell you about this one time I,- Skip I didn’t realize,- Stop. I don’t wanna to talk about it. Well, we can talk about it if you want,- No, look. Today just didn’t turn out how I planned it, okay? It’s not your fault. We’re just on different pages right now. Can we just forget it? Yeah, sure. We can do that. Good. Now, what do you wanna do? Mmm. I don’t know. What do you wanna do? ..Huh? *sensual music starts AGAIN😏* Well, I ruined another kid’s life while trying to fix it. Meh. That’s kind of your style, isn’t it? Morning. Morning. Skipper, I’m sorry. Save it. No, really. I shouldn’t have meddled at all. It really wasn’t my business. Just stop. It’s fine. No, it’s not fine. I’m a dick and I have real self control issues! Barbie! What? I’m gonna take this drink up to Anselm before he wakes up. You’re gonna what now? ehuehuehah. *kiss* Thank you. OooOOoh, sure, anytime. Well, well. F**king, well. Who’s next for a little education, girls? I don’t know what you’re talking about, But Chris Hemsworth and this Thor advertisment is doing things to me.. Ooh! Seal on calculators? Well, I guess that answers that. Thanks for watching! Don’t forget to Like, comment and subscribe. and follow us on social media links below. Love Sam and Mickey❤️️ My, God. I am a genius. Anselm: *softly* Stop it. These cupcakes taste like f**king vanilla! This is what happens when there’s no cupcake management!