The Glitter Epidemic

December 28, 2019

– You know, I’m all for trends.
It’s good to have trends. New things happen,
I welcome them. I’m a very open-minded person. There’s a new trend happening
right now I’m very against. Not against–like, so, so, so,
so, so, so against. It’s the unnatural,
unforgivable act of putting glitter in your hair. [audience laughter] Have you heard about this?
[audience laughter] I’m so upset–let me show you
what I’m talking about. Okay, look. It’s like–it’s–
[audience murmurs] To cover the roots or something?
I don’t know what they’re doing. I have two questions:
“Why?” and “What the hell?” [audience laughter] I mean, it’s like getting
a tattoo. It’s like,
it seems like a good idea, but it stays with you the rest
of your life, and it just looks worse and
worse as you get older. It’s just–
’cause you’re never gonna get that out, right? That’s never gonna come out. Look what else
is happening here. Glitter beard. audience: Oh! [laughter and applause] I don’t want to be in
the same picture as that. I want to get away from that. This is real. I’d rather see someone’s entire
meal that they just ate. [audience laughter] I’d rather know what they just
ate, in their beard, than see glitter like that. Another thing that’s starting– and these are all real things–
glitter armpits. I don’t have a picture of that,
’cause– [audience laughter] ’cause I don’t want to see it, and you don’t want to see it. Glitter armpits.
[audience murmurs] Why?
[audience laughter] Aren’t we trying to disguise everything about
the armpit area? Who’s walking around just going, “Look what I got under here.” [audience laughter] I’ve been on a crusade against
glitter my whole life. I don’t know if anybody else
feels like– I know it’s popular.
They put it in cards. They put in on wrapping paper.
They put it on– I just–I don’t know, I don’t
know why we have glitter. You know…right? Is anybody with me on this?
Do you understand? [cheers and applause] Because–
[cheers and applause] Okay.
[cheers and applause] And for the people that like it,
good for you, but it surprises us,
the people that don’t like it. You open something,
you’re like, “Aah!” And there’s–
[audience laughter] There’s no warning.
There’s like, you know, just like a show says there’s
adult content or whatever, there should be like,
“Warning: glitter.” Because one–right?
[applause] There should be something–
[applause] [applause] Because it just takes one. One speck will keep me busy
for two hours, ’cause I’m–
[audience laughter] I’m trying to get it off,
and then it’s there. And then I think it’s gone,
and someone goes, “You have glitter on your face.” It’s like “What, what?”
[audience laughter] I don’t understand
this trend at all. It’s sweeping the nation,
and soon, we’ll be sweeping up for
centuries to come. Whoever started it, I’d like to
have a word with you from at least ten feet away,
but– If any of you have glitter
roots, glitter beards, please take a step back,
’cause I’m gonna dance with you.

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