♪ Good day, this is CPT News,
bringing you our top story. Despite massive
vaccination efforts, the BBQ Flu has claimed
its first victim. A local resident suffering
from cirrhosis of the liver, meningitis and lung cancer
was killed by the deadly virus while celebrating
her 112th birthday. ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ (Cheering and applause) (Blowing and sputtering) (Coughing) BOY: Mom? Doctors are saying to be
on the lookout for coughing
with feathered secretions. If you are experiencing
these symptoms, proceed immediatelyto the nearest hospital
or care facility.Good God. Where all these
diseases coming from? I’m not taking any chances. I’m going to lock myself inside.
I’m not coming out until spring. They’re not getting me.
No way. Uh-uh, not me. Oh, come on.
What the…? (Grumbling) (Electricity zapping) (Smoke alarm beeping) (Applause) (Laughing):
Whoa! Isn’t that amazing? ♪ (Doorbell ringing) Will you knock it off?
Hey, Johnny boy! Mayday, mayday!
This is DC Flight 132. That is exactly
how it happened,
buddy. (Hiccupping) (Bubbling)
(Gasping) (Ambulance siren blaring
distantly) (Coughing) (Tires screeching) (Woman speaking indistinctly
over P.A. system) (All coughing) Nurse. Nurse.
I think I’ve caught the BBQ Flu. My nose is all gross. Okay, let’s see.
Cough for me. (Coughing) (Hacking) See how it gets kind of
phlegmy there at the
end? You’re fine, ma’am.
There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m not fine.
I caught it. I can feel it.
I have the BBQ
Flu. Okay, well,
did you get the vaccine? Yes, but don’t you
think I should get another shot just to be safe? No, I don’t.
You’re perfectly healthy. Please, go home. Can’t you see
how swamped we are? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I think I’ll just take a number and wait anyway. My bunion’s killing me. I got to get a doctor
to look at my bunion. You can’t be too careful
with a bunion, you know. Some guy told me
about bunion rings once. That sounds disgusting.
That’s gross… Make way. Coming through. Oh, my gosh.
What happened to him? Um, he was electrocuted. He stuck his fingers
in a toaster. (Groaning) But this must have been
some toaster. He’s a complete wreck.
Oh, no. No, we dropped him when
we were coming up the stairs. (Gasping) Oh. Okay. Then, when we were driving up
the hill to get here, we noticed the ambulance door
wasn’t really shut properly. A good thing a bus
was behind us, or the gurney would’ve kept
rolling and rolling and rolling. Big hill. (Laughing nervously) Sir, you’re at
the hospital. Don’t worry, everything’s going
to be fine now. Oh, no, not again. Oops. (Groaning) Oh, man,
it hurts so
bad. Somebody help me. Are you having
testicle troubles? Uh…
Here. Have a piece of fudge.
You’ll feel better. I made it myself.
I put Tylenol in it. Nurse! You know, this reminds me of the
time when I was 20 years old, and I tripped and landed
right on top of a garden gnome. (Laughing):
Oh, my. That was really something.
Oh, boy. Ow. I’m here because
my bunion hurts. Look at it. Used to be the size
of a small pickled onion. Now it’s big
as a baked potato. Nurse! But I’m not complaining, because I really like
the hospital. It’s nice here.
I get to talk to people and… (Clearing throat) I try to make them feel better,
if that’s what they need. You know, there are women
in this world who don’t mind
if a man is castrato. Nurse! Sir, please,
the doctors are
trying to take a nap in the room
right next to us. Could you please keep
your voice down a
little? But it hurts.
It’s really killing me. Just be patient, okay? You’ve only been here
six hours. With any luck, someone will see
you before tomorrow morning. What about me, huh? When’s it going to be my turn,
you pretty little busty lady? (Squeaking and laughing) Okay, that’s enough fooling
around, Mr. Nate. And what are you doing
wandering around with your gown open
like that? What, are you
kidding me? It’s time to check
my prostate. Sir, we checked your prostate
twice this morning. I think that’s
quite enough. Oh… Hello there,
little princess. Allow me
to introduce myself. Al Zeimers.
Male stripper at your service. (Chuckling) Nice to meet you.
Louise Perry, a born-again virgin. (Laughing):
Whoa! What about you? You want to
check my prostate, beautiful? Mr. Nate!
What? Nurse! Nurse!
Our goldfish is
sick. Get a doctor, quick.
Hurry! Hurry! Our goldfish is sick.
Our goldfish is sick. Okay, what’s wrong
with your goldfish? I think he may have
the BBQ Flu. (Coughing) (Groaning)
(Coughing) Well, this isn’t pretty. It’s not pretty at all. Mr. Turner, why don’t you tell
me a bit about what happened. I took a slap shot right
in the jock strap, except I forgot
to put one on. Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Listen, Mr. Turner, I’m not going to beat
around the, uh, bush. Your left testicle
is presently in a coma. It’s hanging on to life
by a thread. Oh, no! And the other one? Completely crushed. Aah! What am I going to do, doc? I’m the goon on our team.
I need my nuts. We’re playing the Brampton Bulls
in the finals three weeks from now. Yeah. If we had a donor,
we could fix your problem. But people usually prefer
to give money. But with all
today, I mean, there’s got to be
something you can do. Like implants,
balls. Well, the funding kind
of stopped coming in after my disastrous
sleigh-balls experiments. (Bells jingling) Oh, come on, doc. There’s got to be
something you can
do. I don’t know… Oh! Well, we could try
implanting meditation balls. Yeah. I hear they were very good
for stress, actually, when you twirl them
in your fingers. (Traffic ambience, horn honking) Whoa. My gosh, wow. I can’t believe they sell
this health magazine in the gift shop. So, Mr. Nate, I see you haven’t eaten
your yummy mush again. Oh, well,
that’s because I’m only hungry for you,
Nurse Fetish. (Squeaking and laughing) Aren’t you tired of acting
like a child, Mr. Nate? Yes, I am.
As a matter of fact, it’s time for my complete
physical. Come on, nurse,
play me like a piano. Unleash your healing touch
all over my magnificent body. Mr. Nate, please put your gown
back on, right now. (Sighing) Whoa! Hello, you pretty little
two-legged fantasy. What’s your name,
beautiful? Um… Colleen.
My name’s Colleen. Well, Colleen, you know,
I’m looking at you… Yeah, there’s no doubt about it:
you make me want to get sick. (Laughing) Something tells me
you two are related. Uh, yeah. How could you tell?
Do we look alike? A bit, yeah. Hey, Pop.
hanging? Oh. Not this guy. I don’t know you.
Please leave my room right now. Come on, stop it, Dad,
okay? My name is Al.
Al Zeimers. It’s nice to meet you,
kind of. Dad, they picked you up
at the mall again. You can’t keep going
to the mall naked. It’s not legal. I didn’t go to the mall naked.
What, are you kidding me? I got undressed
at the Cinnamon Bun restaurant, like a civilized person. Wh-what am I supposed
to do with you, Dad,
huh? I have Alzheimer’s.
Please take me home to Brazil. Dad, you don’t have
Alzheimer’s! You’re here because
finished. Kaput. Done. My prostate
is perfectly fine. I had a pretty little nurse
massage it this morning and, oh, that did the trick,
I’m telling you. Dad, unless you get
a transplant, your chances
don’t look so
good. (Clearing throat) That reminds me,
I brought some
information about funeral
arrangements. It’s time we talk
about the future,
Dad. I’m going to make it quick. Buried or cremated?
It’s up to you. I told you,
I want to be stuffed, standing at attention
and used as a coat rack. I told you,
they don’t do
that. And as for my estate, I’ve decided to leave
everything to Miss July. (Laughing) Now be a good boy and set up
a meeting with her for me. I want to tell her
the good news in person. (Laughing)
Uh… This is going
to be so happy. (Snoring) Doctor.
wake up. I think it’s
an emergency. (Yawning) Okay, see what we got here. Hmm. Can’t find a sign
of a pulse. (Grunting) No sign at all. Actually, there is a sign.
It’s an emergency sign, doctor. Ah, right. Sir, say, “Ah.” (Wheezing):
Ah. That’s good.
His ears are working. Does it hurt
when I touch you here? (Screaming) Uh, how about here? (Screaming) Huh. (Screaming at various pitches) Doctor? It’s not that your song
isn’t pretty or
anything, but I sort of need you
to make a diagnosis. (Snoring) What? What? What? Yeah, yeah.
Right, sorry. So, what we have here
are three fractured limbs, two cracked ribs,
and a completely destroyed sign. Yeah, this guy
is in a lot of pain. (Grunting) Oh, no.
I… Did I not say yesterday
that this was going to happen? I said it yesterday.
That’s amazing. I’m going to have
a smoke. Hey, princess. Has anyone ever told you
you have a smile that lights up a room? What do you want? Well, uh, perhaps I could have,
instead of the hospital slop, I could have a cheeseburger
with extra bacon, a poutine, onion rings
and a cherry Coke. (Snarling) Cheeseburger, poutine, onion rings
and a cherry Coke. (Coughing) What the hell?
I thought I told you I don’t want any more
of that hospital slop. Quit whining. I didn’t turn the mixer up
all the way. It’s just some chunks
in there. Next. This belongs in a diaper,
not on a plate. Do you have any fish food? Because our goldfish
is really hungry. Our goldfish is hungry.
Our goldfish is hungry. Listen, kid, this is a hospital,
not a pet shop. We’ve been waiting for 10 hours
in emergency. Any longer and our goldfish
could starve. We’ve got to do something
right away. Our goldfish is gonna die.
Our goldfish is gonna die. And that makes me really,
really sad. Next. Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute. Oh, my gosh,
I can see the
future. It’s tomorrow’s
newspaper. “Goldfish dies
while fat cafeteria lady looks on and does nothing.” (Coughing) All right, kid.
Fine. Look, I’ll make you
some fish and chips. Fish likes fish, right? Fish and chips?
Are you for real? Our goldfish
fish. What if it was his little
brother in the fish and chips? Would you want my fish
to eat his little
brother? You can’t eat a little brother!
You can’t eat a little brother! Listen, kid, I work for
the hospital cafeteria, not for Jacques Cousteau. I’m doing my best
over here. Okay, well,
you got any bacon
bits? Sure. Lots. Here, take the whole bowl. On the house. Thank you and goodbye.
Scram. Okay, but be warned. Next time I’m in
this hospital, if there isn’t fish food
on the menu, my brother and I are going
to call the SPCG: the Society of Prevention
of Cruelty to Goldfish. And don’t think we won’t either.
I know everybody over there. Come on, Sammy.
Let’s get out of this
dump. (Groaning) Poor thing. I heard your face
was broken in 20 places. You must be
in a lot of pain. (Gagging) Mm-hmm. Listen, if you feel
like talking, don’t be shy. That’s why I’m here. (Choking and wheezing) Right, yeah, well, that doesn’t
make any sense but… (Gasping):
Wait. I have a great idea. If you want to say yes,
just blink six times. And if you want to say no,
blink seven times. Okay?
(Gasping) Okay, okay, okay.
Let’s try a little test. Are you ready?
Would you like a piece of fudge? I put Tylenol in it. It’ll make you feel better, and I think it tastes
kind of interesting. (Gasping and wheezing) Yes. Of course you can have some. Here you go. (Choking) Good, isn’t it?
Do you want some
more? Well, look who’s hungry. Oh, I love a man
with an appetite. (Choking and gulping) Nobody likes
a greedy boots. Just one more piece, now. My balls! I want my balls back! (Sobbing) What’s going on? A strong and handsome
young buck like you can’t let life
get you down. Here. Have one. A little fudge can solve
all your problems. (Whimpering) I don’t want
your freaking fudge. I want my balls back. Oh, well, I don’t think
I can help you with that, but I do have some pink
peppermints in my purse if you want some. (Sobbing) Oh, there, there. I’m sure there are lots and lots
of people who would just love
to help you. You’d be surprised by how
generous people can be. You just have to ask. (Gasping):
Watch this. Sir? Sir. (Laughing and wheezing) Uh, yeah. Sir, this handsome
young man here is wondering if,
by any chance, you’d be so kind as to give him
one or more of your testicles. (Whimpering) Four, five, six… You see? He says yes!
He’ll do it! He’ll do it! No way. Really? You are going to give me
your balls? Oh, yeah! I’m back, baby. Hey. What’s going on here? Well, this gentleman
has just agreed to give one of his testicles to
this handsome, young man here. It’s just so beautiful. Yeah! Well, uh, what about
your prostate? You think you could lend it
to me for a few years? It seems like
mine’s expired. (Grunting) (Gasping):
He’s done it again. I can’t believe
the generosity of this man. Yeah! Well, I’ll be damned. High five.
Whoo! Does anyone here
need a kidney? Because, I think
we have a donor. (Alan groaning
and whimpering) All right. So, what exactly
are we doing here? I’m kind of in a hurry. The strip club closes the buffet
in 45 minutes. Um, it’s a triple bypass
with a hysterectomy. Okay, whatever.
Let’s go. (Whirring) (Screaming) What’s going on?
Didn’t you put him under? I’m sorry.
forgot. After back-to-back 12-hour
shifts, I get a little mixed up. (Gas hissing) (Screaming) (Cell phone ringing) Sorry, that’s mine.
I’ll get it. Just a minute. Hello? BOY:Hi, Mom.Oh, hi, sweetie.
How are you?Are you coming home
for dinner?No. Mommy has to work
late again.Then, well, what am I
supposed to eat?Uh, well,
you’re not a child
anymore.You’re 6, okay? So just order
a pizza or whatever. Bye.(Line disconnecting) Mom? Help. It’s an emergency. Our goldfish is having
a heart attack. Our goldfish is sick!
Our goldfish is sick! Sorry, kids, but the vet clinic
is across the street. Hey, if the fish dies, your smug face is going to be
spread across the front page
of every paper, and the headline’s
going to read: “He Killed Nemo.” Our goldfish is going to die!
Our goldfish is going to die! Okay, okay. All right. Sorry, sir. (Wheezing) (Monitor flatlining) No! Our goldfish is dead!
Our goldfish is dead! Quick, start the defibrillator. Right away, doctor. It’s… I think it might be unplugged.
Hold on a sec. Oh, I see why.
All the outlets are
full. Hold on, I’m just going
to disconnect something. No, no, no, no, no!
Not that one. Not that one. NURSE: Okay.
What about this
one? Nurse, what is going on
down there? There should be
tons of outlets. NURSE: Oh. I see what the
problem is. It’s my cell phone charger
was plugged in. My bad. There.
Everything should be fine, now. Okay. Charging. Clear. (Paddles thumping) Clear. Clear! (Cell phone ringing) Sorry, I’ll just make this
quick. Just one minute. Hello? RAOUL:Hey, sexy Colleen.Top 10 favourite foods. Go.Uh, who is this? It’s Raoul.
It’s sexy Raoul, the guy you eye-banged
in the hallway earlier. I got your number
from the EMT guy. The little one you had
a casual thing with.Wow, that guy’s dirty.Sorry, Raoul, I don’t really
have time to talk right now. Hey uh, no problem,
pussycat. I’m not into the chitty-chat
myself. Come on let’s go split
on sushi. I know a place
by the airport. Oh, well, it’s not that
I’m not interested, but sushi isn’t really
my vibe. Nurse, that’s enough already! Right. I have to have to call
you back, Raoul. Yeah, bye. Sorry. (Defibrillator powering up) Clear! Oh, God. We’re losing him!
We’re losing him! (Grunting) Come on. Fight, damn you. Stay with me.
Stay with me! (Monitors flatlining) (Monitors beeping slowly) Yeah! We did it! You saved our
goldfish’s live. You saved our goldfish!
You saved our goldfish! Oh, thank you, doctor. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you. (Laughing) (Moaning and mumbling) (Monitors beeping) He’s waking up.
He’s waking up. Sir, how are you feeling? Would you like
a banana bread? I made them
Bismol. Gives them a little
extra kick. (Gasping) Yeah, that’s right. (Gulping) Sir, I’m so happy to see
that you’re feeling
better. Um, there were a few
minor complications during the operation,
but not to worry. Everything went well,
and we managed to
harvest all the parts that we need. TURNER: Yeah, totally. Thanks for the extra testy,
you know. Since it’s with the one that’s
out of the coma and all that, when someone says, like,
“How’s it hanging?”, I’m like: “Well, good.” (Laughing) And what a prostate. Guy you put the “pro”
in “Prostate.” Since they
transplanted it in, I’ve been able to
stand at attention all day long. (Laughing)
GABRIEL: Yeah. And me and my little brother
just want to thank you for giving up your spot so we
could save our goldfish’s life. That was really cool. That was really cool.
That was really cool. Thank you. (Laughing) (Coughing) Huh? Uh, sir? There are bubbles
coming out of your
mouth. ♪ Good evening. In a stunning new development, the BBQ Flu has now mutated
unexpectedly. In fact, this dangerous virus
has become even more contagious after passing through
the body of a goldfish. Those infected have reported
coughing up tiny little bubbles that are extremely
contagious. To ensure everyone’s safety, all bridges leading
in and out of the city are slated for immediate
demolition, and residents are advised
to stand in line once again to get re-vaccinated against
what doctors are now calling the Fish and Chips Flu. (Coughing) Oh, boy. ♪ (Coughing) (Doorbell ringing)