(Sexual moaning and groaning, bed creaking) [PAUL]Whew! That was, wow! I mean right? [CICI]I think I have a yeast infection. [PAUL]Sorry to hear that. [CICI]I knew you wouldn’t care [PAUL]Don’t say that. I’m just super tired and have to wake up early for the first time in like 6 months! [CICI]Whatever. You weren’t thinking about that 10 minutes ago. [PAUL]You’re right. I wasn’t thinking about sleeping and or my job while we were having sex. I’ll try to work that in to the routine a little bit more next time. Please. Can we just not talk about this when it’s, uggh, 3 AM in the morning? [CICI]You can’t say 3 AM and in the morning. It’s redundant. [PAUL]Fine I’ll go with AM. It’s clearer. So what do you want me to do? You want me to run to grocery store and get you some cranberry sauce or something? [CICI]Yes. I want you to make me a fucking
Thanksgiving dinner for my vagina. [PAUL]Welll you’re getting started on the dinner rolls down there. Nothing like the smell of fresh baked bread. [CICI]Ohh. You’re disgusting! [PAUL]Can you just please come to bed? [CICI]I think it was your ex. You know the one that cheated on you? [PAUL]How is that even possible? That’s crazy. I didn’t say you were crazy! But the thought of that happening is crazy. I mean we’re talking about a yeast infection, not AIDS right? [CICI]Who knows Paul, anything is possible. She was a Latino right? [PAUL]Yeah I mean kind of, she was Argentinian. [CICI]Whatever, same thing. Why do you think they all have so many kids? [PAUL]Umm, because they’re Catholic? [CICI]Was he a Latino too? [PAUL]I don’t know, what do you think I stalked his Facebook page? I don’t know! Fine. His name was Pedro. [CICI]Did he wear a condom? [PAUL]Strangely enough we never had that conversation, Pedro and I [CICI]I think you should call her and find out, at least that way I’ll know. [PAUL]What? Are you kidding me right now? [CICI]She owes us that! She cheated on you and now I have to go to the doctor because of her! [PAUL]Wait. So you want me to call my ex in the middle of the night, AM whatever and ask if the guy she cheated on me with used a condom? You’re crazy. (laughing) [CICI]You’re a pussy. No wonder she cheated on you. [PAUL]Wow. Ok. That would probably be my cue to leave. As pleasant and completely logical as this conversation is, I need to get some sleep. [CICI]Where are you going? Where are you going?!? [PAUL]Home. [CICI]What? If you leave this is over! [PAUL]That should be fine. Ahhhh!!! (knocking) [CICI]I knew you didn’t have the balls to leave. Don’t you have something to say to me? [PAUL]I forgot my keys.