– I really, like, no
joke think I crushed it. I’m a gay man, I can read people. – [Producer] Who did Curtis get correct? – Oh my God, I’m nervous, can I look? – [Producer] Mm-hmm. (guests laugh) – No. (mystery music) – [Producer] What do you do for a living? – I bartend right now. – [Producer] You like your boss? – I have a boss (laughs) (producer laughs) – [Producer] Today you
are going to be matching job to person. – Okay. I feel like I’m gonna
be really bad at this. Simulated Patient, I have
no idea what that is. Longshoreman, am I even saying that right? Should I know what that is? (gasps) Oh my God, eww, what is that? Or like an exterminator,
that is nasty as hell. Hair Salon, I feel like
could be guy or girl, but I feel like you can tell. A Dean of Students is gonna be a woman with a stick up her ass. I just killed it, huh? I’m right. Funeral director, that’s so depressing. You’re like “Okay, c’mon everyone, “we’re about to begin.” Like, that’s so awkward. So this guy comes into
my bar all the time. I know you, I have no idea what you do. Hello.
– Hi. – What’s your name?
– Abby. – Abby, nice to meet you.
– You too. – So a couple of these, I
don’t know what they are. Can I ask questions? – [Producer] Yeah. – Would you say you’re,
like, a fun person? Do you have a lot of free time, like do fun things? – Yeah, yeah. – That sounds like a no,
like maybe a teacher, like they think they’re having fun but it is not that fun. – I mean, I really like to read (laughs). – Eww. That is a teacher. That is so not fun. – That’s my idea of fun. – This is for you, babe. – Thank you. – Hello.
– Hello. – What was your name?
– Corky. – Corky?
– Yeah. – I like the matching,
by the way, the green, you put some thought into that. – Actually there was no thought. (person laughs) I don’t know if it’s a longshoreman or a longs whore man, but I feel like maybe I’m
getting that vibe from you that you do this, like, weird job. Do you know what they do? – They do with boats, containers. – Yeah, that looks like you for sure. – Thank you. – You’re welcome. You look very put together, professional. Do you like kids? – I have a kid. I like him.
– You like him. Do you like other kids? – Some of his friends I like. – Are you pretty strict with him on what he can and can’t do? – We manage expectations. – That’s a dean. (woman laughs) That’s a dean for sure. I’m three for three right now. – Thank you. – Hello.
– Hello. – How are you? – Good how are you doing? – Good.
– Oh, nice handshake. Is this your everyday attire? – Typical. – What were you like growing up? – I was smart, I just didn’t apply myself.
– Didn’t apply yourself. Girl, same. I think he’s an exterminator. – Why, what about me exterminates? – You look a little grungy and when I think of exterminator I think of, like, bugs and dirty. – Do I stink? – No, you don’t stink. Like, right now if I saw a bug, I’d be like, “Uh-uh, bitch get it.” And I feel like you would- – I hate bugs. I kill them unapologetically but I don’t like to. – He kills them
unapologetically, exterminator. All right, you’re cute, she’s cute. I like you, you look put together. I think that I’m looking
at hair salon receptionist. I think that you seem bubbly right now. You look like you know
how to talk to people. Hair looks healthy, you know what I mean? (woman laughs) I do, I do think you’re a
hair salon receptionist. – Okay. – Hi.
– Hi. – I think you work at a bar. – I do work at a bar
and you come in there. Okay, I’m gonna go with
scientist right off the bat. I see you all the time, and I know there’s a lot of
labs around my restaurant. And I feel like you think
science might be cool. I’m gonna go ahead and
say you’re a scientist. – What kind of science do you think I do? – Study, like, things to help people. (guests laugh) Eww, I don’t know, don’t
make me sound uneducated. Two, I have two left. I have a simulated patient
and a funeral director. You look a little sad (laughs). You’re really calm, and I feel like that
would be a good way to direct a funeral. Oh my God, eww, I didn’t mean to call, like, you don’t look sad. Like, the emotion, eww. (guests laugh) You’re gorgeous. – So. – Well, you, like, broke
your foot or something. – I dropped a piano on it. – You dropped a piano? – Well, my brother dropped a piano on it. – Sounds like great guy. Do you know what a simulated patient is? – It’s like a patient who’s not real. – Like the people who put
makeup on dead people. – No, that’s a mortician. – Oh, ooh. – I go to the doctor with an ailment to get, like, drugs. But I don’t really have the ailment. – Oh my God, you, you’re faking a broken foot to go get drugs.
– For the Vicodin. (Curtis gasps) – Bitch, I just crushed it. (everybody laughs) Oh my God, that’s not even broken. Your brother did not drop a piano on you.
– He didn’t. (everybody laughs) (Curtis gasps) – Oh my God did I get eight outta eight? (everybody laughs) You guys. She wants some drugs, but she doesn’t actually wanna get hurt, so she fakes these stories. – [Producer] Okay, all right. Thank you.
– I do not feel bad for your foot. (everybody laughs) I really, like, no joke,
think I crushed it. I’m a gay man, I can read people. – [Producer] Who did Curtis get correct? – Oh my God, I’m nervous, can I look? – [Producer] Mm-hmm. (everybody laughs) – No, are we serious? Oh my God. – [Producer] Will everybody switch up? – I didn’t mean that about your foot. (everybody laughs) (Curtis screeches) Wait, so you fake
injuries to go get drugs? – [Producer] Wait, you’re gonna- (everybody laughs) – I do pretend to be sick, but it’s to help medical students with their bedside manner. – Oh. – So it’s not to get drugs. – Oh, you’re like a teacher. – Yeah, kind of. – So wait, I’m, like, explain, like, a day to day. – You pretend to be the
medical student, okay? You’re gonna come in and I’m gonna tell you
what’s wrong with me, and you have to diagnose me. – Gotchu.
– Ready? – You have to pee. – Yeah, but I’ve, like- – You got a UTI. – Yup, ding ding ding. – Ding ding ding.
– You should be a doctor. – I should, hey. How did you get into longs whore man? I mean, I just totally don’t
understand what this is. Boats and jugs or something? – Yeah, yeah, container ship comes in, we’ll take ’em off with a crane, put ’em somewhere in the yard, take other ones, put it back on. It’s very boring. – How much do you make, can I ask? (Corky exhales) Ooh, he makes money. Like, could you be a sugar daddy? – I could. – We like that. Funeral director, okay, woof. Can you explain to me, like, a day in the life of your job, ’cause it sounds awful. Do you deal with dead bodies? – When I first started out, I was handling dead
bodies a lot more often. The last several years, not so much, but I have handled
hundreds of dead bodies. – Hundreds. – Most often now I’m just in the office making arrangements. Families coming to meet with us to talk about what kind of arrangements they wanna have. – Eww, oh my God. Hey. So not an exterminator. – No. – But you’re a hair salon receptionist. – Mm-hmm. I had a friend that worked there that just was like, “Do you wanna
do something different?” And I was like, “Is the money good?” And it actually it’s not bad. – Okay. So you’re really cute for not a cute job. (woman laughs) – You should see my coveralls. – Eww. You kill bugs or rats or what? – Both. (Curtis groans) – I don’t get it. – Most of our kills are fresh kills, so it’s not that gross. You just dog poop bag style. – Yeah, no, that’s gross. – When it’s really gross is when they’ve been sitting for a bit and they’re maggoty and smelly and you gotta fish it out from behind. – No, no, nice to meet you. (everybody laughs) – Congratulations, you guessed right.
– I did. So tell me what kind of science. – Gene therapy is what it’s called. The viruses deliver the
genes that are needed to cure people. – Gotchu. That sounds difficult. – Hi.
– Hey. You look like you love kids and really happy, not sad. – (laughs) That’s a big 180. – Yeah.
(everybody laughs) – How old do you teach? – High school, freshman and sophomores mostly. – Okay. Do you like them? – Yeah, they’re cool. – You, like, do not. – No, it’s endlessly entertainment, I actually do, I actually really do
like working with them. – Do your students like you? – I think, well actually I know for a fact some of ’em think I talk too much. – You’re literally a teacher, isn’t that, like, the job? – First of all, fuck you. (everybody laughs) – So wait, like, is the foot real? Like, but like a piano? – No, I fell.
– Oh, okay. All right, dean of students. That, to me, screams, like, (whispers) bitch. – I don’t think any of my students would describe me a as a bitch. I would describe myself as a bitch, but I don’t think any
of my students would. – Do you enforce a dress code? – No. – Nothing?
– No. – No dress code at your school? – I mean, you can’t wear like lingerie. – Do you wear the grill? – Yeah. – I love that. – I don’t think I would ever work at a job where my appearance is a problem, and I think that’s part
of the reason why I enjoy being a reflection of my students and being like, “You can do this, too, “no matter what you look
like or have gone through.” I was a shitty student (laughs). I was a total nightmare. – Do you enjoy your job? – I fucking love it, can I say? Yeah, I love it. – So I did really bad. I thought that was so easy,
I thought I crushed it. I really thought I got all of you. – [Producer] What job would you
most like to apprentice for? – Probably a dean of students. – [Producer] Dean of students? – Yeah. Do you not think I would be good? – No, I don’t (laughing). Okay, you’d end up behind the bleachers getting high with the kids, I feel like. – Oh my God, I would never. That is trash. – And true.