– It is so good to be here ’cause I have only been
talking to college students for the last four months. Oh my god. It is so nice to just be here and be talking to
real sad people. You know what I mean? Like, ugh, they have
hope in their eyes. It’s fucking gross.
(audience laughs) And here’s the thing,
I didn’t know this. Did you know that college
kids drink for fun and not to forget? Did you guys know that?
(audience laughs) That’s insane! Like, I remember
when I was in college I would drink whatever
to get fucked up, right? I’d be like gin and tonic? Hell yeah. Vodka soda? Fuck yeah.
(audience laughs) Ethanol and Fanta? Let’s party.
(audience laughs) I can’t do that anymore. I’m 32, okay? I go to bed at 10
p.m. every night so I can wake up at
six in the morning and listen to motivational tapes so I have a reason to live. That’s
(audience laughs) all I do now. (chuckles) And it bums me out ’cause recently my
favorite one, Tony Robbins got me too-ed. Did you hear the news?
(girl laughs) Is anyone surprised?
(audience laughs) No, people pay $80,000 to go to their seminars, okay? If there’s not a weird,
satanic, sex-orgy going on, it’s a waste of my
fucking money, okay? (audience laughs) He got me too-ed. I got really sad
about it and look, we’re all monsters! Everyone in Hollywood
is a fucking monster. In two years, the only
people we’ll have left are going to be Lin-Manuel
Miranda and a Muppet. Those are the only ones.
(audience laughs) Okay and not even a good one. Gonzo? He fucks chickens.
(audience laughs) Okay? Miss Piggy is an abuser.
(laughing) And Kermit, he’s a beta male. No one fucking likes Kermit.
(audience laughs) All right? He’s a cuck, we all know that.
(laughing loudly) Yeah man. I mean, here’s the thing is that, when it
comes to drinking the one thing I really hate
hearing is people saying that lady drinks, right? Girly drinks are somehow
the weaker drink. That’s bullshit. ‘Cause I’ve never been
more fucked up in my life than off a girly drink.
(audience chuckles) Beer? That’s shit.
(audience laughs) Yeah, I could drink
12 beers, pass out, wake up in a fountain smelling
like a yeast infection, yeah. (laughing) I could do that. Or I can drink 2/3 of an
Appletini, black out, wake up I’ve started a small
business, okay? (crowd laughs) I just wake up, I’m just like, “Ah shit, did I incorporate
again last night?” (laughs) Ugh, man. So much paperwork.
(laughs) These dudes in my bed,
they’re my shareholders, okay? (laughs) We have a meeting coming up. The other thing I don’t like. I don’t like stereotypes, right? I hate this concept
of big dick energy. (laughs)
Right? You guys know what
I’m talking about. And I’ll tell you
why I don’t like it, ’cause it’s not real, okay? I’ve met people with big dicks. They are weird, quiet,
never make eye contact. (laughs)
That is every person with a big dick, okay? What you have is medium
penis power at best. And I get it, right? It’s heavy. They can’t make eye contact. They’re just like oh my god. (laughs) (exhales) I saw a boob today. I am wiped. (laughs) (groans) It’s true. I went on a date with a guy, during the date he said, “I just finished reading a
book on how to not be awkward.” (laughs) And my first thought was “oh man, I got to
go buy lube now”. Like that’s, my night
is ruined, okay? I’ve got to call out of work, I don’t even have a
job to go to, okay? I was just going to call
an office and be like, “Hi, I can’t come in today,
I encountered a giant dick”. And they were going to
be like “who are you?” and I would say a hero, click. (laughs) Living in LA has
really screwed me up. Anyone else? (cheers) This place is weird, okay? I didn’t realize what
a bubble we live in, until I left. I was doing a show in
Johnson City, Tennessee and I was on stage talking about the healing
powers of crystals. (laughs) Then I saw the look of
horror on everyone’s face, and I was like oh, they
think I’m talking about meth. ‘Cause everywhere else
in the country, LA, crystal is meth, okay? I was on stage being like, oh my god, the healing
powers of crystals. And they’re just like
crystal ruined my family. Like it was, such a different experience. I also learned about
this thing living in LA, called sex magic. Have you guys heard of it? Okay, get ready for your
minds to be blown, okay? Sex magic is the act of harnessing the power of your orgasm to
achieve your goals. That’s it. Its just masturbating
to things that you want. (laughs) It’s like a vision board
in your pants, you know? Like you don’t need to cut
out magazines or anything. Which I love this
concept ’cause that means if you get caught by your
partner masturbating, you can just be
like whatever babe I was just casting spells, okay? I was just casting some spells, I’m trying to get us a house, what the fuck are you doing? (laughs) You’re lazy not me. I know after this show, some of you are going
to go home and be like, let’s screen play. I get it. (laughs) I get it. Look at that call back (groans) or some of you are
just going to be like $50 gift card from Starbucks. I don’t know, whatever. Whatever you want to fuck to. (laughs) I’ll leave you guys
with this little PSA. I am a lady with endometriosis, any of my other
endo ladies, huh? Great, good to hear it. So what this is
if you don’t know, it’s a condition where
my uterine lining grows on other parts of my body. Right, like what a shitty
superpower to have. Like when they were
giving out mutant powers, they were just like storm, weather, cyclopes,
eye shit, Jenny, you’re not going to like this. And it’s just more proof of like how complicated
the female body is. Like I can grow other
parts of my organs everywhere else. A dick is going
to grow one place, it’s not changin’. There’s never going to
be a doctor’s appointment where the doctor’s like Mr.
Davis, the results came back. It’s exactly what we expected. You have a dick growing on
the inside of your lung. (laughs) And he’s just like oh my god. what are my options, doctor? Well you can either have a
high five, or a fist bump ’cause that shit is cool. You have a dick in
your lung, dude. Am I going to die? Oh, for sure, you’re
for sure going to die, you have a dick in your lung. Come on. Every time he gets a boner
he coughs, c’mon it’s great. It’s a great visual. But truly, I got to take
care of myself, right? I got to take care of all
that stuff down there. Don’t want to get
pregnant so I have an IUD. Okay, some of you do
know what that is. If you don’t know what it is, an IUD is a form
of birth control. It’s this little plastic T that they put in your uterus
using a tee shirt cannon. (laughs) (upbeat music)
-Here’s a question. Have you ever had one of those
weekends where it’s so horrible, you thought to yourself, “Man, I should have just canceled the
weekend and stayed at work.”? Well, Hillary Clinton–
she had that weekend, and it all started on Friday. Hillary Clinton facing a major
backlash from Republicans after opening up a new
and biting line of attack against opponent Donald Trump
and his supporters. The racist, sexist,
homophobic, xenophobic Islamophobic, you name it. You could put half
of Trump supporters into what I call
“the basket of deplorables.” Ooh! “Basket of deplorables.” Damn! Grandma slam! -(laughter)
-Yeah. You know
when Hillary said that all the grannies in her clique
lost their mind! They were just like,
“Damn, Hillary!” (laughter) But look, but look,
on the real, though– a lot of people were upset
by Hillary’s comments, and honestly,
I actually agree with them, because Hillary can’t be
running around the country insulting and generalizing
about large groups of people. You know, that’s Trump’s vibe. And even if polls show that 76%
of Trump’s supporters want to ban all Muslim immigrants, and 40% say blacks are lazier
than whites, you can’t just go around
calling half of Trump supporters
“a basket of deplorables.” The correct term is
“a duffel of dip (bleep). -(laughter) -That’s… that’s
what you were looking for there. So try and be accurate. -So…
-(applause) So that was…
that was Hillary’s Friday. So now fast-forward
to Sunday morning. Now, if over the past few weeks you’ve been watching
the news nonstop because you hate yourself, or because you can’t find
the remote control, then you’ll know,
one of the biggest conspiracies going around right now is
that Hillary Clinton is dying. And not in the
“we’re all dying” kind of way. No, no, no. In a
death-is-imminent kind of way, like the Grim Reaper is wearing
a Hillary shirt kind of way. That’s the kind of death
we’re talking about. And everyone
has different theories, but the bottom line is,
she gonna die. Traumatic brain injury
with symptoms down the road
is very, very likely here. She coughed on the airplane, and
then she spit something up. MAN:
She may have arthritis.Is there a possibility
she had a mini stroke? …rumors about her having
brain damage, coughs, and even– I hate to say this–
even syphilis. MAN (over speaker):
It’s obvious that, uh, Hillary has had
this Parkinson disease for ten years now, and they say
she has one year to live. Where do you get the Parkinson’s and the “one year to live”
facts? Uh, off of Facebook. (laughter, groans) (Southern accent):
Uh, yeah. Off of Facebook. NOAH: That’s really what
this campaign has become. Voters making their
most important decisions based on what they see
on Facebook. And I don’t understand why. Because the people on Facebook are the people we know
in real life. We don’t trust them
in real life, either. But when we see their comments
on Facebook, all of a sudden we’re like,
“You know what, “drunk Uncle Billy
you’ve got a point. “Maybe Hillaryisdying. And I bet Harambewas
an inside job. Yeah!” Now, normally, we’d be quick
to dismiss those theories– we’d besoquick
to dismiss them– but then… Sunday happened. Some concerns raised
this morning about the well-being
of Hillary Clintonafter she left
the 9/11 memorial serviceearlier than expected.NEWSMAN:The reason was
a medical episode.As one witness told me,
uh, she appeared to faint.NEWSMAN:
Clinton then takento her daughter Chelsea’s
apartmentthree miles away.NEWSWOMAN:
About two hours later,Clinton appears,
smiling and waving.-WOMAN: Are you feeling better?
-Yes. Thank you. NEWSMAN:According to her
campaign, she overheated…Okay, now, here’s the thing. Hillary faints
at the 9/11 memorial, and then she just comes out
and waves, like, “Hey!” Doesn’t talk to anyone.
You can’t just come out, and make it like
it’s normal, Hillary. You fainted.
We want to know what happened. You’re just walking out like,
♪ I dropped it like it’s hot ♪ ♪ Drop it like it’s hot. ♪ If you think America was just
gonna simply accept “overheated” as an answer,
well, then you don’t know how divided this country is. Because it’s gotten so bad,
people can’t even agree onwhatthe weather is. The weather has been horrific. Very hot.
Extremely humid temperatures. It was not as hot
as it has been in New York, I can tell you that. It was very humid out here,
I have to tell you. It was a beautiful
September morning… NEWSWOMAN:
…just miserable outside…NEWSMAN:
It wasn’tthathot…She’s on in extreme heat… …a day that isn’t
particularly hot… NEWSWOMAN:
…unseasonably warm……very, very comfortable… It was very, very,
very, very hot. I had sweated
through my entire suit. Weather is not
a subjective thing. Just give us the weather report. Yeah, because one person’s
gonna say it’s hot, another person’s
gonna say it’s cold– it depends on who you ask.
If you ask me, if you were like, “Hey, Trevor, what did you think
of the weather yesterday in New York,”
I’ll be like, “Well, personally, I think it was one of
thecoldestdays of the year.” Why? Because I’m from Africa. That’s why. Yeah. And my malaria has affected
my perception of heat. That’s why. Africa Jokes. Where you don’t know
if I’m kidding. So, it was hot outside
or it wasn’t hot. Hillary was overheated
or she was exhausted. No one really knows,
and that’s the problem. Because then,
after Hillary’s camp told their story,
this video comes out on Twitter. And look at this video. Hillary can barely stand,
all right? The van pulls up, and she has
to be hoisted into the van. Now, putting
your politics aside, this is a disturbing video
to watch. Because Hillary
doesn’t look fine. She looks like she’s
just had brunch with Bill Cosby. -(laughter)
-And now… and now, only because
this video came out, only because
this video came out, the Clinton campaign
had to admit that something
really was going on. NEWSWOMAN:Clinton’s doctor,
Lisa Bardack,announcing eight hours
after the Democratic nomineeleft the 9/11 ceremonythat Clinton was diagnosed
with pneumonia on Friday,news withheld from reporters
at the time.Yes. Hillary was diagnosed
with pneumonia on Friday, and her campaign
didn’t tell anyone about it. And you know what? Everyone–
especially reporters– have a right to be angry. You know?
As does everybody else who Hillary kissed and touched
this weekend. Yeah. Look at her, look at her,
handing out pneumonia like it’s a free sample
at Costco. “Would you like some pneumonia?
Like some…” And I don’t care.
All you people like, “Pneumonia isn’t
especially contagious.” Hey, you let me decide that! My body, my choice, okay? You see, this is… this is
the problem with the Clintons. It’s not the things
that they do that get them. It’s the way they try
and cover them up. Because if you knew
on Friday, Hillary, that you had pneumonia,
and you’ve known for a while that your opponents
have been saying that you are hiding
a terminal illness, you could end
all the speculation by being transparent, just coming out and saying,
“I have pneumonia.” Instead, you walk out
of your daughter’s apartment acting like nothing’s wrong. I mean, look at that. The purse is there. Walking out of that apartment
was Hillary’s chance to set things right. I mean, here are just
a few of the things Hillary could have said. I have pneumonia, you (bleep)! (laughter) Oh, I’m going… I’m going…
I’m going down! I’m going down again. Psyche! (laughing) Hey, everyone! So I have pneumonia, and I decided to work today,
anyway, despite my doctor’s advice, but let’s be honest, if I hadn’t come
to the 9/11 memorial today, you would have called me
unpatriotic and chewed me out, so I guess in the end
it doesn’t really matter! All right, bye-bye! Just some suggestions
for next time. Use the, don’t use them. Yeah. But no matter what, if this
happens again, Hillary, please, just sit us down, look us in the eye,
and tell us the truth. But not-not that close. Don’t come close.
-All right, here’s how it works. I’m going to press
this button here, which activates
the impression generator. It will land
on one random celebrity who we can do an impression of
and one random topic. And so whoever’s turn it is,
they have to do an impression of that celebrity
talking about that topic. Since you’re my guest,
my first guest, you go first. -Thank you.
-You’re welcome. Press the button,
and the game begins. ♪♪ Ooh, Jason Statham.
-Jason. [ Laughter ] -Talking about troll dolls.
-Okay. -I didn’t know
you did a Jason Statham. -I don’t know if I do.
Okay. -All right.
-Okay. -Jason talking about
troll dolls. -All right.
[ Clears throat ] [ British accent ]
“Here’s the ‘troof.'” [ Laughter ] “Nothing quite pisses me off
like those little troll dolls.” [ Laughter ] “I just rip off
their [bleep] heads.” [ Laughter ] “I can say [bleep]
because I’m from the U.K.” [ Laughter ] “You can say that.
That’s right, in the U.K., where I was
a competitive-level diver.” [ Laughter ] “It’s true. I was a competitive diver.
Google it. Or as we say in the U.K.,
Ask Jeeves.” [ Laughter ] “Anyway…”
-Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ]
-“Anyway, back to the dolls. I still look better
than them naked, see?” -Oh, my God.
That’s insane. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my goodness!
That is phenomenal! -Thank you.
-That was phenomenal. All right, here we go.
This is my turn. Ask Jeeves…
-Ask Jeeves. All right.
-Regis. [ Laughter ] Regis Philbin talking about
“Hot Girl Summer.” Okay.
All right. “All right. Let me —
Let me tell you something. [ Laughter ] I am missing
“Hot Girl Summer” already. It is fall. I’m counting down the days when
I can sip rosé with my squad… [ Laughter ] …and play our favorite bops.
Like Lizzo.” -Yeah, sure.
-“For example, I just took a DNA test.”
-Oh, yeah? -“And it turns out
I’m 100% that bitch!” [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ “100%!”
-100%. -All right, Nick.
You’re up. -Okay, I’m gonna press
this real button. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Okay.
-Oh, Pitbull. -Pitbull. -It is real, yes.
Pitbull. -Pitbull, flu shots. -Talking about flu shots.
-Okay. -Yeah, I don’t know
if I know how Pitbull talks. -Okay — okay. “Aha!”
[ Laughter ] “Miami Beach, Mr. 305,
coming at you to say you got to get
your flu shots, man!” [ Laughter ] Germs are going worldwide,
baby.” [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, my God. -“It won’t hurt at all.
It just stings for a second.” That’s one, two, three, four.” Uno, dos, tres, cuatro! ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. Phenomenal! All right,
we have time for one more, and it is my turn.
Here we go. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Okay.
Seinfeld, sure. Surprise party. Jerry Seinfeld
talking about surprise parties. -Okay.
-“Okay, okay. What’s with all the secrecy?”
[ Laughter ] “I come to an empty apartment, which is exactly
what I wanted for my birthday. But I turn the lights on,
and all of sudden, “Surprise!” The only surprise is, you have to make small talk
for four hours now.” [ Laughter ] -“Oh, get it together, Jerry!” [ Laughter and applause ] -“George! George, what are you doing here,
George?” -“That’s right. I put this
party together, Jerry. I put it together.
I schemed it together.” -“You shouldn’t scheme.
No one should scheme.” -“Oh, I schemed, Jerry!”
[ Laughter ] “George is getting upset!” ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -That’s a good George.
-It’s a little bit — It’s a little… -You helped me
with my impression! That’s all the time we have
for “Wheel of Impressions.”
You were supposed to be here last week and
at the last minute, that morning, you cancelled because you had fever and
you were sick.>>Yeah.
>>You were gonna have healers come over. How’d that work out?>>I have cupping marks on my butt.>>Did it work?>>[LAUGH]
>>Yes, it did work.>>Cupping works?>>They were really good. Cupping works.>>Wow.>>And I’m not talking about you know,
I mean like, with the cups.>>[LAUGH]
>>Yes, I feel a lot better but it turns out if you work really
hard non-stop for 15 years and don’t take a break,
it’s not like good for your body. [LAUGH]
>>Yes.>>I didn’t know.>>Your body.>>I came here before I ever went
on the road ever 10 years ago.>>Yes.
>>It was like is it gonna be good and you’re like mm-huh. And you’re telling the truth, it’s hard.>>It’s hard. It’s hard to be on the road, because you’re in a different
hotel room all the time. Which is why I said everyone
should start coming to me.>>Just come to you.
>>And I got a show. So they would come to me.>>This is great.>>Because touring is harder.>>She’s smart, you’re smart.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>I’m stupid.>>Yeah.>>That’s nice. You bring everything to you, the seasons.>>Yeah, everything, these are all gifts. These are all people
that are like sacrifices. That’s a bowl of onions, I think.>>[LAUGH]
>>I don’t know that that’s good.>>Yeah, so congratulations. You’re in love, you’re happy. You have a boyfriend since I saw you last.>>Yes.>>Thank you.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>Thank you. He’s very lucky.>>[LAUGH]
>>I think it was kind of because of my appearance on here last time. He saw my outfit and he was like,
I wanna get involved in this.>>Really?>>[LAUGH]
>>Yeah.>>Did you have a outfit that was skimpy?>>I was roller skating
in front of Hillary.>>It was that, that’s right.>>Obviously he was like hm. Dating app? Yeah, we met and I think neither of
us were really looking for anything. But we really liked each other right away. And I liked him so much,
I was like I’m gonna make him wait. And I did. All through dinner.>>[LAUGH]
>>No, we didn’t go to dinner.>>[LAUGH]
>>But he was awesome. We’ve been very honest with each other. I was like upfront I was
like look I’m realistic. I know for a fact that I
don’t have any diseases left.>>[LAUGH]
>>[LAUGH]>>[LAUGH]>>You guys have never been tested, Ellen’s audience?>>[LAUGH]
>>Sorry, I know it’s the holidays.>>[LAUGH]
>>But we just had our year anniversary, that’s very cute.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>Thank you, we need it. It’s still early,
we’re still, like, lying.>>[LAUGH]
>>Neither of us had ever been to France because we’re both trash.>>Right.
>>[LAUGH]>>And so, we were like, let’s go. And so we go and it was like we wanna be romantic. It’s an intimidating city.
And then we had one of those hotel rooms where the bathroom, when you’re in it and
someone goes like [COUGH], you hear it loudly in the whole room.
You can hear everything. And we both got violent food poisoning. Violent. And so it hits him first. And he’s in there just, blah, blah, blah. And then the way it
manifested itself in me.>>[LAUGH]
>>Is basically I was in there just like. How do I say this? Just kind of like [SOUND] machine gun. [SOUND] And I knew it was over. I’m yelling at him. It was so great dating you,
I wish you the best luck, you’re gonna meet the greatest girl,
but I knew.>>[LAUGH]
>>I knew it was over.>>[LAUGH]
>>[LAUGH]>>Who can make it through that? And then I thought,
I’m just gonna be the one with that end. And he’s going back in there, he’s put his
head where I was just [SOUND] and then->>[LAUGH]>>Under a year, we’re together. But then he hears me go! And I grab the trash, and
I had to, so all ends.>>[LAUGH]
>>I was like the fountain on Friends, you know, basically.>>[LAUGH]
>>And that is when I learned not to ever throw up
in a wicker basket.>>[LAUGH]
>>Happy holidays, guys.>>[LAUGH]
>>That’s when you learned.>>[APPLAUSE]
>>[APPLAUSE]>>My God, my God.>>We’re still together.
You’re sick. No hugs. No, I’m more than sick Ellen. I’ve got one of the worst
diseases on the planet. Oh, what is that? Man flu. Oh. Really bad. Yeah. It’s different than woman flu? It’s definitely, yeah. When I’m ill, Jane’s like
Florence Nightingale. She’s on me all the
time, helping me. When Jane’s ill, I
don’t know about it. She gets up, she goes to the
doctor, she’s back before I up. You know what I mean? But when I’m ill
everyone knows about it. Yeah. I don’t think I’ll
make Christmas. Oh no. There’s not hot tea
in there anything. Oh, Well that’s fine. When I have a fever,
Portia can always tell when I have a fever. I cry when I have a fever. Really? Yeah, I don’t know why, but
whenever I have a fever I cry. So if I’m sick someone ever
says is, does she have a fever, Porsche’s like no
she’s not crying. Like that’s how you
know I’ve got a fever. I just I feel like I’m
not long for this world. My Nan used to say that. My Nan said that
for about 20 years. She’s used to say, ah
I won’t see Christmas. She was right eventually. Obviously. Well, the last one. Eventually, yes. Yeah. So first of all, I’m really
glad that you’re doing stand-up again and I am very
excited by that. So am I. It’s my
favorite thing now. I hadn’t done it for seven years
because I kept putting it back. I always thought,
like, stand-up was the second or third job I did. I thought I was a writer,
director, or actor or whatever. Right. But now, this tour, I’ve been
on tour for a year nearly. And I love it more
than anything. I just want to do it
forever now, it’s just– I don’t know why. I think it took me this
long to get good at it, you know, 15 years. They say it takes
10 years for someone to get good at something. And, yeah, it’s not
revelation– it should be like and I’ve just, I think
I’ve hit the age now– because I’ve got old
people’s rights now– I can say what I want
and no one’s angry at me. You’ve always said
what you want. Yeah, I know, but now– but then they
thought it was nasty, now they just go, oh no, he
doesn’t know what he’s saying. I see. So it’s called Humanity. It is indeed. Why? I just thought it was
time to let the world know what an awful species we are. We’re the worst. Human beings? Yes. Yeah, all human beings. All human beings. I love all animals. Human beings– could
take or leave them. No, the show is sort of me– They’re the ones
coming to see you. You know that right? OK. I know, I tell them, I
say, look in the show I say, I don’t know why I called
it humanity, I’m not a big fan, I prefer dogs. Dogs are brilliant. Yeah it’s me whinging from
the most privileged position imaginable. Right. But I think most people
who come to see you know that you’re kind of joking. I mean, you’re kind of not. Of course. Well, we are animals,
yeah, and I like people. Yeah. They’re just not
my favorite animal. Because when you
do tours like that, you have to do a meet and
greet afterwards, so– Oh no, no, no, no. I’m in the car before
they finish clapping. [LAUGHTER] I play venues where the
car can get by the stage. I’m in my hotel room before
they’re out the venue. Sometimes I’ve
even held the door, so they can’t get around
to the stage door. I’m off. Wow. Helicopters, anything
to get me out of there. No meet and greets. I’m like Elvis. Yeah, I see. I am now. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] So you keep mentioning, Jane. You all have been
together for 35 years. I know. Which is a wonderful
amount of time. [APPLAUSE] And I think you and I are– They’re clapping
her, aren’t they? Really. Well done, Jane. How did you do that? We don’t know her, but wow. Exactly, yeah. Because Portia and I have been
together for 13 years now, and I feel like people still ask
us if we’re going to have kids. And it’s like we’re not. And people still– No, they ask people all
the time in the press, why don’t you have children? Which is a really odd
question to ask someone, why don’t you have children. Yeah. As opposed to asking people,
why do you have children? You know what I mean? [APPLAUSE] There’s loads of reasons
why I don’t love kids. Tell me some. Well, the world’s
over populated. No one’s sitting around going,
oh, Rick’s not having kids we’re going to run out. There’s loads. Yes. They’re scroungers. Aren’t they? From day one, me, me, me. Feed me. Clothe me. Yeah. You don’t even have to go on. That’s enough, that right there. I’d worry sick about our baby. I’ve got a cat, and
I worry about that. I check the door three
times before I go out. I put food water in
every room in case the shuts and it’s
peckish for 20 minutes. So, no, a human baby is
too much responsibility. I feel the exact same way. And I love my animals the
way you love your animals. I love animals so much. And when I see– and I post them
all the time on our Instagram– anyone rescuing an
animal, to me, is a hero. I agree. Anybody that sees
an animal in trouble and is rescuing an
animal is a hero. Yeah.
OK there you have it. Libtards, Cucksand Snowflake’s
are the three words that we want you to stop
calling us in the comments. Let us know which word you want
people to stop calling you. See you next time on every damn
day. Ryan that last take was. A take. Reminder the nurse
will be by this afternoon to give everyone flu shots.
Great I don’t have health
insurance. Do flu shots cover rabies? This dog licked me you can’t
get rabies from a dog licking
you I didn’t tell you where he
licked me. Did he lick you on
the voodoo doll you Keep on a chain around your neck Cuz that can give you rabies It happened to my uncle
he lives with the wolves now. OK guys let’s just
please act normal today. Hi
So you’re like a doctor right. No. No. I’m a nurse just here
to give a flu shot. Don’t sell yourself short. Listen getting this flu shot
makes me so nervous. I feel like that maybe qualifies
me for some medical weed. Wink wink. I need five flu shots
a shit load of Z packs and whatever medical exams I need
between the ages of 18 and 30. Or you can have one flu shot
or no flu shots. What about three flu shots
and I slip you a 20. Okay. This is sterile.
So where to draw the line. I don’t trust this so-called.
Flu shot. I’m sorry what. Oh this is how they killed off
the X-men and get them all
with the legacy virus What are you saying Oh what I’m saying is this
better not put me in the sunken
place Oh god so much anxiety
really could use some medical
MDMA or medical whippets is no such thing as medical
wippets whatever the medical
term is. I just need to get
as medicated as possible. Wink wink. You know you’re not
even winking when you do that. Thank you so much for coming in.
Yeah it’s really great because when you work full time you know
it’s hard to find the time. Of course. Oh actually.
Can we do my voodoo doll first. So he doesn’t get jealous.
What is wrong with you people. We make comedy content
for the Internet. So each of our brains
is broken in different ways. Okay great. Dolly wants a shot
but a down shirt going to get right in the middle
of the neck there. Oww Yeah yeah.
Okay good. Well he is good for the flu
then okay. Great job. Why do you have a special trash
can for the needles Used needles
are a biohazard. I get it you’re trying
to clone a black man. Kill the originals.
and control the clones. Who are you talking to
I’m talking to my people So how’s your day going.
SHUT UP AND LET ME DO MY JOB
ok I. Am so so sorry.
I told them to act normal. I appreciate your apology
but please never call me again. They’re on to us. Chris knows abort operation