Articles, Blog

Sin Is the Deadliest Virus of All | The Whirlpool

March 8, 2020


Welcome back to The Whirlpool, where fibs
and fabrications are pulled under and drowned. I’m Michael Whirly. All anyone can talk about is the coronavirus! The fake news media has become so fixated
on this alleged outbreak that the stock market has plummeted over the last few weeks. The American people are confused, misinformed,
and acting on blind fear — who could have imagined such a state of affairs with Donald
Trump as President of the United States? Just in case any of you watching are among
those who are nervous about this “pandemic,” allow me to allay your concerns. There is nothing to worry about, because Our
Heavenly Father is presiding over these events as he has presided over everything that has
ever happened from the beginning of time, and no matter what happens with this “coronavirus,”
his will shall be done! Lucky for us, it is his will that His Excellency
Donald John Trump be the President of the United States during this crisis, if that’s
even what it is — I’m not convinced — and His Excellency President Trump has this situation
well in hand. You may have heard otherwise from those yellow
journalists at NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, the Washington Post, the
BBC, NPR, PBS, and even a few recreant roosters in the hen house over at Fox News, but this
notion that the Trump administration is dangerously unprepared to respond effectively to an outbreak
is easily disproved by the application of a little common sense. If disease outbreaks like this one really
posed a threat like the media and those Chicken Littles at the World Health Organization say,
why would President Trump have removed the head of the National Security Council’s
global health security team — without replacing him — nearly two years ago? In fact, His Excellency President Trump not
only removed the head of the global health security team; he disbanded the team altogether. He also removed a similar team within the
Department of Homeland Security, and cut billions of dollars in funding from numerous health-related
government agencies, forcing the CDC to lay off staff and drastically shrink its international
operations. Why on earth would he do that when global
pandemics represented a legitimate threat? [Ad break] Since I still don’t have a sponsor for this
space, and since we are currently in the grip of a panic over this coronavirus “outbreak,”
I thought it would be prudent to use this time during the show to advise you what to
do in order to protect yourself from the virus. I’ve been paying careful attention to His
Excellency President Trump this whole time, so you can be confident that I’m giving
you the best advice possible. First, wash your hands. Second, don’t touch your face. And that’s really it. Do those two things, and you should be fine. And if you do happen to contract the virus
— through inadvertent contact with a China person, for example — don’t worry. It’s not nearly as dangerous as the globalists
are saying. Go to work, do whatever you normally do. If you start to feel sick, just try to hold
on for a few more weeks until a vaccine is developed, then take the vaccine, which will
cure you. If you get tired of waiting, get a flu vaccine. That should be just as good. It might give you autism, but that’s easily
reversed by eliminating soy from your diet. Above all, don’t worry. God only kills the people he wants to kill,
and if you’re going to Heaven anyway, what do you care? God bless you. [Back to show] The worst part of all this coronavirus hysteria
is that it distracts from the real threat. For there is a disease far more virulent than
COVID-19, whatever that’s supposed to mean — in the old days, they gave diseases names,
not license plates. It’s a contagious disease, and deadly, and
there is only one cure. But fortunately, that cure is freely available
to all who ask for it. The disease is sin, which entered the world
when the woman Eve disobeyed a direct order from God in the Garden of Eden six thousand
years ago, condemning all who came after her to a fallen, corrupted earthly existence. The cure for this disease is not available
at a hospital or a doctor’s office. Then again, that’s not so unusual — there
aren’t cures for any diseases available at those places. They don’t want to cure you; they want to
keep you sick, so they can keep selling you medicine. It’s how they make their money. Which I’m totally fine with, by the way
— God bless their entrepreneurial spirit — I just wish they’d be a little more
honest about it. The cure for the spiritual disease of sin
is the same as the cure for all physical diseases: the grace of God. And no, despite what the Protestants would
have you believe, you can’t just ask God for it and expect anything to happen. That’s not the way it works. If all you had to do was ask for God to help
you, building all these churches wouldn’t have made much sense, would it? The church is God’s house, and the clergy
is God’s staff, and you have to go through them if you expect anything to get done. You have to ask a priest to deliver God’s
grace to you. And it can’t be just any priest in any church
— it has to be an ordained priest of the One True Church. Maybe that seems unfair, but don’t come
crying to me. I didn’t make the rules. The founder of the One True Church did. His name was Jesus Christ. Tragically, even though the rate of sin infection
is 100%, most people won’t choose to take the cure. Though Dr. Christ hung out his shingle over
two thousand years ago, the waiting times at his office are always surprisingly short. By which I mean to say, there aren’t very
many patients coming in for appointments — obviously, it wouldn’t make a difference if there were
a billion people in Jesus’s waiting room, he could work a miracle to keep the wait times
reasonable. The point is this: coronavirus definitely
won’t kill you, but sin will. For, as it is written in Romans 6:23, “the
wages of sin is death.” But when you die in sin, the suffering doesn’t
stop — like it does with measles or depression, for instance. On the contrary, it’s only just begun. Eternal damnation is like the worst case of
the flu you’ve ever had. You’ll run a fever. You’ll ache all over. You’ll be utterly depleted from fatigue
and yet unable to sleep. And it will feel like it lasts forever — because
it will. Once you find yourself in that predicament,
it’ll be too late! It’s not that Hell doesn’t have a health
care plan — it does. But unfortunately for the damned, salvation
isn’t covered, and Dr. Christ is out-of-network. [Whirly chuckles] For The Whirlpool, I’m Michael Whirly.

39 Comments

  • Reply Christopher Burke March 6, 2020 at 1:10 pm

    If your plan to prevent COVID-19 spread in the US is to ensure those who make your food, deliver your stuff and clean your house – are all unable to afford health care or days off sick – then you are doing something wrong.

  • Reply chefnerd March 6, 2020 at 1:13 pm

    Seriously, this show is great! I'm always having a good laugh 🙂

  • Reply Troubleshooter125 March 6, 2020 at 1:16 pm

    1:00 Sure, Whirly … tell that to the families of those who have actually DIED.

    2:41 Why? Not knowing his ass from his elbow comes to mind.

    Mikey, were you BORN a schmuck, or did you have to take Schmuck 101, 102, 201, & 202 to get this smarmy? Inquiring minds wanna know!

  • Reply Владимир Кузнецов Vovacat17 March 6, 2020 at 1:19 pm

    I would really love to see something like an overarching storyline with this show. "The breakdown and fall of Michael Whirly" ending in him totally abandoning God and One True Church, but not because of logical reasoning,but because this religion just did so many bad things to him.

  • Reply Ivan Stanton March 6, 2020 at 1:29 pm

    I got an unironic conspiracy theory ad before this video

  • Reply BIG61AL March 6, 2020 at 1:34 pm

    oooo time to take a dip in the whirlpool…yes!

  • Reply HiopX March 6, 2020 at 1:43 pm

    Satire meets uncanny valley.

  • Reply Sam Ferguson March 6, 2020 at 1:48 pm

    Mike Pence is in charge of the corona response. Mike "I caused an HIV outbreak in Indiana" Pence.

  • Reply Square Peg March 6, 2020 at 2:06 pm

    "God only kills the people he wants to kill and if you are going to heaven anyway what do you care?" Yep, that is how the Christians in my old church think. If God decides to take them then that is his divine will and they accept that as perfectly fine, even if HE decides to give them horrible, excruciating death that serves no other purpose other than removing them from the world. It is after all just temporary suffering and then they will be in the presence of the LORD! for ever and ever. I found those types of thoughts to be really weird even when I was a Christian. When someone would talk like that we'd all nod and smile, some woman in the back row would close her eyes, tilt her head back as if she is gazing into heaven and softly murmmer "MMMmmmm". I always wondered if the rest of them actually believed those types of things or if they just smiled and nodded to fit into the group like I did.

  • Reply Em E. March 6, 2020 at 2:11 pm

    "It's not that Hell doesn't have a healthcare plan. It does. But unfortunately for the damned, salvation isn't covered and Dr. Christ is out of network." Sick burn, Whirly. Sick burn. I bet that smug look of pride wasn't entirely in character– I'd be proud as hell (I couldn't resist), if I wrote such a clever zinger.

  • Reply Opinions No One Cares About March 6, 2020 at 2:16 pm

    That bit about the medical industry wanting to keep us sick is the only thing I agree with in this video.

  • Reply dragonweyr44 March 6, 2020 at 2:40 pm

    I'm surprised you didn't mention anything about the Corona beer bullshit

  • Reply The Raddest Scorpion March 6, 2020 at 2:44 pm

    Brilliant to use the sham of healthcare in the US right now as an analogy for the cultish fanaticism of religion.
    Doctor Christ is out of network, and you won't be have medicare for all!

  • Reply Nia McNamara March 6, 2020 at 3:04 pm

    My favorite part of that ending joke is that it's way too funny to come from an actual apologist.

  • Reply Dorian sapiens March 6, 2020 at 3:23 pm

    I can tell Michael had fun writing this one.

  • Reply Franko Walker March 6, 2020 at 3:27 pm

    Has it been 6 thousand years already since the good Lord made the Earth. Does'nt time fly.

  • Reply HJD March 6, 2020 at 3:42 pm

    More, please.

  • Reply SomeRandomG33k March 6, 2020 at 4:18 pm

    Michael Whirly forgets to mention the other benefits of removing soy from your diet; for men, it stops the feminization of them. We all know that our lord and savior created man in his image. That means that God is the burliest macho man there is AND HATE OF THESE WEAK EFFEMINATE SOY BOYS THAT ARE RUNNING AROUND!

    But then again, there is only so much time in the ad space.

  • Reply BTMotley March 6, 2020 at 5:35 pm

    "Dr. Christ" needs to be the name of a band.

  • Reply JohnnyTheWolf March 6, 2020 at 5:48 pm

    Sin is the deadliest virus of all? Are you suggesting that Elexis Sinclaire is behind the epidemic?

  • Reply Hyperbeeno March 6, 2020 at 5:51 pm

    Dear Sir, If Jesus created the One True Church , as you seem to proclaim, what happened to all the poor souls that lived before Jesus? Was there no OTC to save their souls? Looking forward to some clarification for my simple mind from your esteemed self or you very very gracious flock of magnificent followers. Go with God💜

  • Reply Jerry Strand March 6, 2020 at 6:10 pm

    It's really sad that people actually think the way "Michael" describes, even if Steve skewering them is still funny AF

  • Reply Shadowman4710 March 6, 2020 at 7:43 pm

    "There is no sin greater than a really bad toupee"

  • Reply skyeplus March 6, 2020 at 7:47 pm

    Sick jokes.

  • Reply Jim Wilson March 6, 2020 at 9:03 pm

    I never thought I'd think that religious parody would keep me captivated in my thirties. I love it!

  • Reply Lee Westmoreland March 6, 2020 at 9:29 pm

    I still say the good Rev needs to try and get a commentator spot on AEW.

  • Reply justin fwibber March 6, 2020 at 10:38 pm

    I know this is satire and all but using the term "globalists" really irks me because of the connotations of being a social media-safe way to blame Jews for things.

  • Reply existential. anarchist March 6, 2020 at 10:47 pm

    if you inadvertently come into contant with a china mieville, give him props for the novels he wrote.

  • Reply Shutting Down March 6, 2020 at 11:26 pm

    Thank Creation the wig is so apparently indicative of the parody, because wow. LOL

  • Reply Izuela March 7, 2020 at 12:18 am

    You did something with your hair!

  • Reply HelloWURLD March 7, 2020 at 1:14 am

    Trump is also unable to understand ratios. He thinks the situation in the US is good as the number of cases is low compared to countries like Germany for example but the ratio of deaths to confirmed cases is quite alarming (1/22) as it's quite similar to Italy (1/23) Granted they've had a lot more cases though.

  • Reply Retando March 7, 2020 at 2:04 am

    The thought of god only killing those he wants to kill is kind of terrifying. What if he forgets about me? Or what if he just never feels like it?

  • Reply Jordan Joan P. March 7, 2020 at 2:06 am

    Eve didn't sin she was just very hungry and want a fucking apple! 4:46 🤪

  • Reply James Drew March 7, 2020 at 2:12 pm

    This is my favorite character Steve. Keep them coming

  • Reply Nathaniel Aiken March 7, 2020 at 2:59 pm

    I like this because his views are so "out there" and gives me perspective.

  • Reply OldJerseyDevil March 7, 2020 at 3:54 pm

    Damn Steve! You clean up good Son! LOL. Took me more than a minute to recognize you. Seriously though I have not heard that much on point sarcasm since SNL was funny: Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy Dennis Millerr… That kind of snark. Kudos Sir!

  • Reply Renato Corvaro March 7, 2020 at 3:57 pm

    Bit out of character here, but I was wondering, have you considered having other leftist YouTubers (or Socialist Networkers, as I like to call 'em) fill in the sponsor spots? I'm sure you can get some great jokes out of that.

  • Reply Caroline Clark March 7, 2020 at 4:53 pm

    Allah be praised. At least a Muslim isn't screwing up the planet Earth. His excellency Don John is.

  • Reply Jff007 March 7, 2020 at 8:05 pm

    "It's not that Hell doesn't have a healthcare plan. It does."

    I was waiting for a Medicare for All zinger. Something about how "Hell's healthplan is medicare for all since everyone gets eternal damnation."
    In any case, clever lines, "Whirly".

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