Articles, Blog

Sex WITH the Beach – Sex Fails (feat. Catherine Cohen)

August 21, 2019


– Hi, I’m Catherine Cohen
and I’m going to tell you about the time I had
sex with the beach. Let me paint a picture for you. Let’s go way back, way
back summer 2015, okay. Can you go there? I’m there right now. I was going through an
absolutely horrible breakup with a guy who once
said my butt looked like an old painting, basically
my butt is wide and flat. Okay, cool. So I was sort of on a bender. You know, is it a bender
if it lasts a year? Just sort of fucking
everyone in town. Mom, Dad please
don’t watch this. There was the park ranger
who once came inside me and then immediately looked
out the window and goes, those are oak trees. The drug dealer who
would show up with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s,
fuck me fast enough so that it wasn’t
melted and then eat the whole thing in my bed. Anyone holding a drumstick. You don’t have to know
how to play the drums but if I see you in
and around drums, I’ll be like, ruin my life. I need to focus on me, I’m
done fucking strange dudes. Strangers who
don’t even own beds cause they take
up too much space, that’s a whole other story. (chuckles) Anyways, stumbled
into a shoppe one day, shoppe with an E at the end, like shop-eh, like
it’s sort of like, they only sell bowls. But in a corner I saw they
had an absolutely gorgeous necklace that had a little
envelope charm on it. Finally, a love letter
to myself for once. I’m putting myself first. Cut to the next weekend. I’ve been invited by a
family friend to Cape Cod. Thank you. So I’m at the Cape. Everyone there, they
call it the Cape. No one really uses the Cod, if you use the Cod, it’s
actually really embarrassing and I feel sorry for
you and your family. I’m at this party and
I look across the room, I see this tall, dark
and handsome stranger. I’m done fucking strange dudes. I’m sort of in an
IPA induced haze. By the way, if I have
one sip of alcohol, I’m like so wet
and dripping horny. If I do one tequila shot,
I’m like sliding around town on a snail trail. I look out and I see him, I see that we’re on
the beach and I think, this is so romantic. Maybe this is what I needed, maybe I needed just to
get away and fall in love all over again, give myself
to the ocean, the waves, to the tides. Anyways, he’s fucking
me on the beach. It’s more, sort of
fumbling near salt water. Don’t remember his name. I don’t want to know his name. It’s more romantic that way. It’s not dangerous,
if you romanticize it. He’s about to come and
in one final thrust, he pulls me towards him. The necklace pops off my chest. The love letter to
myself, fucked off of me, whisked away into the ocean. The beach, I thought
you were my friend. But the beach stole from me. I don’t know where
this guy went. It’s like he fucked the
charm off me and then he disappeared, maybe
he wasn’t even there, maybe it was the beach
that was making love to me. Okay, I just wrote a poem, someone write that down. When people have
sex in water too, I’m like what’s going on? I’ve never done that
but I’m very young so there’s still time. But not too young, call me. (laughs) I am alone. The next morning,
I obviously have a horrible yeast infection
from the salt water, the sand, the spit
of a stranger. I’m back in New York
with my absolutely burning pussy, brag. I head to the drug store and
I buy the Monistat Ovule. I don’t know if you
guys have used this, it’s this little egg, sure, that you insert in your vagina. And I bought the
most extreme one, which is like one day. Get absolutely
railed by this egg. And so I do that to
myself, by choice, I actually paid to
do that to myself cause you have to buy it. I was sitting at my day job, I’d just put the egg
in and all of a sudden, my vagina starts burning in
a way I’d never felt before, absolute pain and I googled, what the fuck’s
happening in my vagina. I’m taken to Amazon.com,
amazing site, check it out, shout out. There’s a message
board of tons of women complaining about the Ovule. The first one I see is fire
of mount doom in my snatch, Olympics of pain. One is just like,
help and then like, a bunch of different letters, this sort of a slid
off the keyboard. Moral of the story is, don’t
throw money at your problems. Don’t put foreign
objects upside yourself and maybe, only the Bachelorette
should fuck on the beach. (upbeat music)

100 Comments

  • Reply BigBoysDon'tCry April 17, 2019 at 3:10 am

    What a disgusting creature this "woman" is… God help us all if this is the future.

  • Reply srthatejeep April 17, 2019 at 5:01 am

    So what I am understanding is that she gets cummed in all the time by randoms??! 🤔

    Nice!

  • Reply tommygunn504 April 17, 2019 at 5:00 pm

    instantly googles her closest show to my hometown

  • Reply John Mox April 17, 2019 at 6:50 pm

    This person has a father?! Where did you go wrong sir?

  • Reply 3z00z m April 17, 2019 at 7:16 pm

    ذي ممحونة الف

  • Reply Jose Sosa April 19, 2019 at 4:31 am

    Id fuck her in the water lmao

  • Reply Rafael Sandoval April 19, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    snail trail. lmao ok, i got it xD

  • Reply Gene Murphy April 20, 2019 at 11:34 pm

    Lifeguard tower on Waikiki SAND and sex don’t mix

  • Reply Billy Trueblood April 21, 2019 at 4:52 am

    It’s over my head…no morals….who would want a woman that came close to being what she relates to? That’s not funny that’s sick

  • Reply Niicole4177 April 21, 2019 at 4:19 pm

    She is grade A… A for Amazing

  • Reply Gideon Bowman April 21, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    Hilarious

  • Reply itre bebag99 April 22, 2019 at 2:48 am

    Good to know that "Comedy" Central is going down the same route of BuzzFeed autism as MTV.

  • Reply 4 AM April 22, 2019 at 6:19 am

    "those are oak trees"
    hahahahaha holy shit.
    you can't make this shit up

  • Reply im bored April 22, 2019 at 6:56 pm

    Those are oak tree's

  • Reply V. Scott April 22, 2019 at 11:34 pm

    Don't blame being a hoe on a guy telling you you have a big flat ass. Own it you love sex.

  • Reply Charles Harris April 23, 2019 at 12:21 pm

    That would be hilarious if a future husband comes across this. Almost like the skit Chappelle did with "real sex" it was an HBO miniseries

  • Reply James Morris April 25, 2019 at 4:10 am

    Man…this is the type of chick i use to get drunk with and poke her in the butt…damn i miss pensacola florida!

  • Reply mr haze April 25, 2019 at 1:41 pm

    This bitch gross

  • Reply barrel dreamz May 4, 2019 at 12:35 am

    Bruuuuhh oak tree??? 🌳 😂😂😂😂😂😂😥

  • Reply barrel dreamz May 4, 2019 at 1:25 am

    Poor girl just doesnt get it

  • Reply conservat1vepatr1ot DL May 5, 2019 at 3:35 am

    She is really fuckin funny. Hopefully her future son doesn't see this and try to gouge his eye and ears out.

  • Reply E Holde May 6, 2019 at 6:37 am

    Moral of the story: stop acting like dudes. We can get away with a lot more shit. I'll give you a fake name and your left with the choice:keep or abort?

  • Reply Ariana jordan May 8, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    She is the love of my life?

  • Reply Blackiti Katt May 10, 2019 at 12:27 pm

    🤣🤣🤣🤣Soooo funny!

  • Reply Matthew Davidson May 11, 2019 at 8:03 am

    Cod Cod Cod Cod Cod

  • Reply chris someone May 12, 2019 at 4:38 pm

    Thx I will only refer to it as the "cod" now.

  • Reply Manolo Tusca May 13, 2019 at 1:59 am

    We eat the cod at the cape 😎

  • Reply KaosInKali May 13, 2019 at 4:35 am

    Lol yolo

  • Reply Gho5t Spartan26 May 14, 2019 at 7:29 am

    How don't know how she's lonely when she looks like that 😉

  • Reply Karina Aguiar May 14, 2019 at 6:27 pm

    Amazingggg Love your style

  • Reply Tom Cat May 18, 2019 at 12:17 am

    thanks for the nude tho

  • Reply jujia7 May 18, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    Omfg the snail trail🤣🤣 dyiinn🤣
    Btw she’s hella funny,Poor baby!🤣

  • Reply Melisa May 21, 2019 at 9:34 pm

    SHE IS SO FUNNY

  • Reply chas1600 May 22, 2019 at 7:21 pm

    So…you still single?😀

  • Reply Jim Carter May 22, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    SLUUUUUT!

  • Reply Jim Carter May 22, 2019 at 9:50 pm

    This generation has no sense of privacy. The sexy part is guessing what is in the package. Today, everyone knows.

  • Reply Alex Martinez May 23, 2019 at 12:23 am

    LMFAOOOOO IM DYINGGGG

  • Reply im19ice3 May 25, 2019 at 4:47 am

    the snale trail is so unfortunately relatable

  • Reply James Lamb May 25, 2019 at 10:02 pm

    I've been to Cape Cod many, many times. I visit basically every summer. Absolutely love that place. Anyways, I had a very different experience with sex on the beach. But, that's most likely because I'm a man and…. yeah…i dont have a vagina for salt water to ruin.

  • Reply Sunny May 29, 2019 at 3:48 am

    BRAG. DYIIIING HAHAHHA

  • Reply xlunkness0monsterx May 29, 2019 at 7:42 am

    Possibly the worst trade in the history of trades: A necklace for Chlamydia

  • Reply Jamie Liss May 29, 2019 at 10:21 pm

    There's people doin this are HILARIOUS

  • Reply the extream g.o.a.t TV May 30, 2019 at 3:14 am

    I would fuck you too

  • Reply Deadpool May 30, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    I feel like I need a shower.

  • Reply M PW May 31, 2019 at 2:20 am

    I thought comedians by nature needed to be funny? Not a single smile on this dud.

  • Reply Mohammed Hamza May 31, 2019 at 5:02 am

    What the fukkity fuck fuck is going on in this bullshit era of youtube. God damn it!!, I just want to surf Youtube without these hoes.

  • Reply Sam Fosdick May 31, 2019 at 9:53 am

    I'll be a stranger 😉

  • Reply Howie Feltersnatch June 2, 2019 at 10:25 pm

    Get railed by this egg. Extra funny because I used to say railing the old lady all the time.

  • Reply Berna June 5, 2019 at 2:58 am

    i respect the editing in these videos

  • Reply H Harmon June 6, 2019 at 12:14 am

    i love her lmao

  • Reply Chris Adams June 6, 2019 at 2:08 am

    She's perfect. I could watch and listen to her for days.

  • Reply Dear Red June 6, 2019 at 6:13 am

    If u get over a breakup by fucking strangers u have a mental illness.

  • Reply Myer Werl June 7, 2019 at 5:13 am

    Shout out to Amazon? Wtf? 😂

  • Reply Logan Daniels June 7, 2019 at 7:00 pm

    I've always thought she was hilarious.
    And gorgeous.

  • Reply keelan luxford June 8, 2019 at 12:57 am

    i need to meet someone like her
    (for learning purposes)

  • Reply MrCowabungaDude June 8, 2019 at 9:33 am

    1915? Do you mean A.D. or B.C.? Hrm… you are really old if you lived through the 15's. Whoa-ow! Oh, whoa-ow. 'Interview with the Vampire' like. So cool.

  • Reply Paz Sincethe80's June 9, 2019 at 6:36 am

    LMAOFF 😅 WTF you should of stumbled into my shop… omg … talk about wacky shit …

  • Reply Pete ASMR June 9, 2019 at 10:26 am

    Questions!
    So if this med causes fire how the hell did it pass testing?
    Is there something to cool it down?

  • Reply Sellam Ismail June 9, 2019 at 11:56 pm

    If you have to insert a caveat before your story to ward off potential viewage by your parents, you probably don't want to be telling stories of your whoring on the internet.

  • Reply Ilovemusicnbabes June 10, 2019 at 1:48 am

    This is the kinda slut who questions why she can’t find a good guy but refuses to admit she’s a whore and claims she fucks for “women empowerment”

  • Reply Lnn June 10, 2019 at 6:35 am

    "BRAG" lol

  • Reply Dennis Clark JR June 11, 2019 at 4:02 pm

    Watch COMEDIAN Dennis Clark JR next on YouTube then share with your social media friends

  • Reply Paelorian June 11, 2019 at 9:31 pm

    This is exactly what BuzzFeed sounds like to me. Great job capturing the aesthetic and playing in the good parts. Pretty good writing and performance!

  • Reply harley cortez June 13, 2019 at 4:54 am

    Snail trail and yeast infections. This is like the Walmart version of an Amy Schumer set. Gross

  • Reply Tim Lewis June 13, 2019 at 10:02 pm

    No the moral of the story is don't become a whore after you have a bad breakup just deal with it more maturely have fun being single forever

  • Reply Reecopolis June 14, 2019 at 6:23 am

    These women remind me of the girls at my school I feel intimidated while watching a YouTube video.

  • Reply Z A X X M E 420 June 16, 2019 at 2:28 am

    She’s annoying

  • Reply Nicole Romero June 18, 2019 at 11:43 pm

    This girl is a riot lol love her

  • Reply nosaci cohen June 20, 2019 at 7:37 am

    Beautiful 😍😍

  • Reply mercury4metal June 20, 2019 at 5:34 pm

    Comedy Central, in the future, is it possible to make these videos minus the music? Thank you.

  • Reply Caleb harris June 20, 2019 at 10:56 pm

    This girl is gross

  • Reply Abbrielle Rain June 25, 2019 at 3:34 am

    I FUCKING LOVE HER 🤣

  • Reply Tugis Art Studio June 26, 2019 at 2:05 am

    Bad video. I thought she was beautiful but now a damaged goods.

  • Reply Diana Angell June 26, 2019 at 9:23 pm

    You are disgusting. Go to a mikveh and pray for forgiveness your a bad example of a Cohen. I hope you live a very short life if you do not repent.

  • Reply Luis Tentindo June 27, 2019 at 2:55 am

    So talented!

  • Reply 7351741815 hii 7351741815 July 4, 2019 at 5:59 pm

    How

  • Reply Andrea lee July 11, 2019 at 5:25 pm

    A nurse told me once she didnt know y Monistat was even on the market said its bad for you

  • Reply vishal joshi July 11, 2019 at 9:35 pm

    She is so cute! Her eyes!

  • Reply The Best The World Has To Offer Channel July 11, 2019 at 11:06 pm

    This chick is nasty, hope her husband gets some respect for himself.

  • Reply mike oxlong July 13, 2019 at 2:31 am

    I hate these kind of people

  • Reply KAT V. NYC July 23, 2019 at 6:22 pm

    Okay I legit thought when she said she had a burning pain fire in her vagina I thought she was going to say she went to the ER and they found her envelope charm and necklace inside her and that's what was burning her but hey turned out a different way than I thought LMFAO

  • Reply Ashley Reid July 24, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    What drugs was she on?

  • Reply Bella Caracappa July 25, 2019 at 3:22 am

    She reminds me of Rachel Bloom. They look similar and have similar sense of humor. Both very funny.

  • Reply Anjy Masmil July 26, 2019 at 6:50 am

    😳

  • Reply n. p. July 31, 2019 at 5:03 pm

    i am really hoping this is a characterization, not a real personality.

  • Reply Don Trump August 3, 2019 at 1:47 am

    Bwaaah Haaa… Snail Trail !

  • Reply jessica f August 3, 2019 at 4:51 am

    you sound like gabbie hanna

  • Reply I am Hassan August 3, 2019 at 2:55 pm

    Buzzfeed is trolling us under a different channel name hahaha!
    Good one!🙄
    Trump da Don described best 😉

  • Reply swift August 3, 2019 at 3:09 pm

    How old is she

  • Reply Some Guy August 6, 2019 at 12:16 pm

    her vagina is probably expired

  • Reply Adrian Valenzuela August 7, 2019 at 11:32 pm

    Where do I find hoes like this one

  • Reply wmfivethree August 10, 2019 at 7:08 am

    I don't even have a vaj, and what holes I do have are terrifed of sand.

  • Reply Skinny P August 13, 2019 at 1:41 am

    I FUCKING LOST IT when she said “snail trail”😂😂😂😂

  • Reply shiva umesh August 14, 2019 at 3:20 am

    I’m actually a drummer.

  • Reply George Mead August 14, 2019 at 1:36 pm

    What a cum dumpster

  • Reply lukeBbrum August 15, 2019 at 12:32 pm

    This bitch needs to fix her eyebrows, especially the gap between them, she’s got mans eyebrows n the uni brow is nasty

  • Reply Skytyme August 16, 2019 at 1:09 am

    What a whore. Period

  • Reply Brintin August 16, 2019 at 5:18 pm

    This type of modern woman is so unattractive. What happened to ladies?

  • Reply TeslaTheJolteon August 18, 2019 at 9:33 pm

    I always wonder, how does it go from seeing a good looking stranger to having sex

  • Reply Sa Mah August 20, 2019 at 9:54 pm

    I love her

  • Leave a Reply