-What a crowd. Thank you so much
for being here. Seriously, what’s better than
sitting next to 300 people during a worldwide pandemic? Am I right?
[ Laughter and applause ] Well, last night, President
Trump held a press conference to ease fears
about the coronavirus. And after he was done, everyone in America breathed
a huge sigh of panic. [ Laughter ] The big news is that Trump
picked Mike Pence to lead the government’s
response to the coronavirus. [ Laughter ] Trump said he chose Pence because he has a certain talent
for this. [ Laughter ] And that talent is
always looking like a guy who is holding his breath,
apparently. [ Laughter and applause ] But Pence actually
has an interesting plan to fight the coronavirus. He’s going to send the virus
to a conversion camp where it can pray itself
into the common cold. [ Audience ohs ] [ Cheers and applause ] I’m not really sure why Pence is
handling this instead of Trump. It feels like if Trump and Pence
were husband and wife, Trump would hear a strange noise
in the house and say, “Mike, go check it out.” [ Laughter ] “I think it’s nothing,
probably.” [ Laughter ] “I’ll be in the safe room.” [ Laughter ] Actually, the press conference
was a little confusing because it seemed like Trump
contradicted what the medical experts
are saying. Let me show you
what I’m talking about. This is real. -As the disease spreads,
if it spreads — -It’s not so much a question of
if this will happen anymore. -We’re rapidly
developing a vaccine. -We can’t rely on a vaccine. -This will end. This will end. -This coronavirus will go
well beyond this season into next season. -We have it
so well under control. -It’s likely that this virus
will cause a pandemic. [ Laughter ] -But this is helpful. The White House also put out a
video with the President’s tips to avoid catching
the coronavirus. Watch this. -President Trump’s tips
to avoid the coronavirus. Avoid close contact
with other people. Stay away from anyone
with a cough. -Let’s do that over. He’s coughing in
the middle of my answer. -Yeah. Okay.
-I don’t like that, you know? -Your Chief of Staff — -If you’re going to cough,
please leave the room. -And don’t shake hands with
anyone who just traveled abroad. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Smack! Wow! -Paper, scissors, rock. We didn’t mess with the audio. That was a real — that sounded
like a “Three Stooges” slap. [ Laughter ] Can we see that again, Dave,
just the slap? [ Laughter and applause ] -“Why, I ought to –”
-Ow. Ow. -Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! [ Laughter ] -And now experts are warning that if there’s
a major outbreak, people might not be allowed
to gather in large crowds. On the bright side, Tom Steyer
can keep having rallies. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Meanwhile, the CDC has released
a beard and mustache guide for which styles work best with
a surgical mask. -Oh.
-Take a look at this. This is real. Yeah. Can we see that one guy
at the bottom? Well, at least Hitler
won’t have a problem. [ Laughter ] Hitler’s fine.
-He’s good. [ Laughter ]
What about Hitler? Can he wear a mask?
-Oh, yeah, yeah. Some business news —
This isn’t good. Today JCPenney announced they’re closing more stores
due to poor sales. So if a friend gave you
a JCPenney gift card, one, spend it now. And, two,
get rid of that friend. [ Laughter ] Seriously, I’m not saying
JCPenney is in rough shape, but even the coronavirus
won’t go in there. Oh, come on. Hey!
[ Laughter ] -Come on.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Hey, guys, I read about
a woman who took 550 times the normal dose of LSD
and claims the foot pain that she’s had for
almost 30 years went away. [ Laughter ] Then again, that’s only because
she chewed off her foot. [ Laughter ] 550 of the normal —
What is the normal — -I guess one?
-Yeah, I guess. [ Laughter ] Probably none, right?
-Yeah, sure. Half a — -Finally, this isn’t good. Wildlife officials in Tennessee
discovered a bald eagle that had eaten so much
it was too full to fly. And never before has there been
a greater symbol of America. We have a great show, everybody.