Oh, hi! You’ve been with me for a while. You know I’m a little bit of a crunchy girl. I like the outdoors. I don’t really shave. I’m obsessed with kombucha, but as a fan of the au naturale I have discovered a few kind of weird things that are happening. Specifically, people are putting rocks in their vaginas. They’re called Yoni Eggs. Alright you guys, it is April 2nd, 2018 the year of our Lord, and I am ready to put an egg in my vagina. [laughs] So, I got this online, I boiled it to sterilize it… I also got… brought some lube along ’cause I am not about to stick a rock in my vag dry. I just want to give it a little whirl and see what it feels like. Okay, it’s in. Um, I immediately have to pee. Oh my god, it just came out! I just laid an egg! I… I can’t. What am I doing… so the website that I bought this from claims that this egg is a sacred object that will relieve my period cramps, give me a better sex life, just help me connect to my inner feminine energy… um, I’ve spent the last 15 minutes mostly just thinking about my life and my choices. I can see why people like it. There’s, like, a fullness, and you definitely, like, feel it. Honestly, it feels like, you know, a small vibrator or a bullet or something. You know, I have… I have concerns. So if you’re the type of person that is into, you know, more “woo woo” spiritual stuff, I’m not here to rain on your parade; as long as it makes you happy, you do you, but I think there are safety issues involved, and also lies. Yoni Eggs are usually made of jade or rose quartz, which are porous rocks that can harbor bacteria and cause infections. Not only that, but I find the claims that these companies are making really predatory. Like if somebody is struggling with their sex life or hormonal imbalances, painful periods… those are problems to solve with the help of a health care provider, so on that front Yoni Eggs are a scam. Just plain and simple. The only claim that I’ve seen around that has some inkling of truth is the claim that it can help to tone vaginal muscles. Some people are calling it “vaginal weightlifting,” which is just a clickbait term for kegels, and everyone, whether you have a vagina or not, can benefit from kegels… and you do not need any special equipment to do it. Kegels are when you contract your pelvic floor muscles over and over again. Those are the same muscles that you use to stop a stream of pee. When your pelvic floor muscles get ripped, a lot of good benefits from it. You know, you have stronger orgasms, for males, it can help them have multiple orgasms; it can help with some bladder control issues, it’s not a magic bullet, but it helps. That said, just shoving this thing up your vagina isn’t gonna do that on its own. It’s the practice of kegels that does that, and if you want to up your kegel game, you know, make it a little bit harder, Ben Wa Balls are safer than Yoni Eggs, because they’re weighted for one thing, and they’re made of non-porous material. There’s also a new thing called “vaginal steams.” I was actually at an event last week, and they were handing these out so you could give yourself a v-steam. Some small businesses are selling, you know, special v-steam pots and herbal mixes but more often, this is like a spa thing. One such spa right here in L.A. claims that the v-steam will cure painful periods, endometriosis, vaginismus, and infertility. Gwyneth Paltrow and her company GOOP, who have brought a lot of these “woo-woo” things to the mainstream, claim that these steams can balance your hormones and clean your uterus. Oh god… Why no sex ed? The uterus doesn’t need to be cleaned. Like, do we clean other internal organs? No! Because that’s weird. And, unnecessary, which brings me to my second question: Why? For you to reach the uterus, the steam would have to be able to travel up through the vagina, and into the tiny hole of the cervix, called the “cervical os.” Bearing in mind that the vagina lays flat! And just like douches and Yoni Eggs and all the things, it can aggravate infections, or make you more susceptible to them, especially yeast infections, because yeast loves moisture. This is not even to mention the obvious risk of course, which is burning your f**king vulva on hot-ass steam! Why we do this? It’s possible that some people are, you know, being turned on by this. The heat can help draw blood to the genitals. Oh my god, wait, is this a kink? Oh my god you guys, am I kink-shaming? I’ve talked in the past about how feminine hygiene companies will sell things like douches and sprays that claim to “clean your vagina.” These products can cause infections, they mess up your pH balance, they’re just bad news. A very similar thing seems to be happening but it is repackaged for the “enlightened feminist woman,” instead of douches and sprays, now it’s Yoni Eggs and vaginal steams. Between the old-school products and the New Age stuff, a similar theme here is: cleanliness. There’s a really popular idea that vaginas are gross and dirty, so, here, buy these products that will fix it. I’ll probably say this, like, a million more times in my life: they are not dirty. Vaginas are self-cleaning. Another reason people buy this stuff is because they… they want to take care of their vaginal health. If you want to give your vag a little extra TLC, here are five things that you can do. The first is to eat probiotic-rich foods, things like kombucha, miso, sauerkraut, and yogurt all help populate that good gut bacteria, which acts basically as your vagina’s army. And then you want to feed that army fruits and vegetables. Number two is to opt for those cotton undies. They let your vag breathe. And the rest are with your healthcare provider. Number three is to get your HPV vaccine, number four is to get STI screenings regularly, number five is to get your pap smears on time. All of these things will help prevent cancers, infections, diseases, and the badness. And that, my friend, is a healthy vag. Lastly, I think a big selling point of the New Age products is that they claim to help people get in touch with their bodies. And there are lots of ways to do that, depending on what you’re comfortable with, you know, when it comes to your sexuality, I always suggest masturbation! Experiment with self-touch, with being naked at home, tracking your menstrual cycle.. some people like to track their cycle alongside the moon, so they can actually predict when their period’s gonna start based on the moon phase, which I think is kinda cool. And if it’s the feeling of having something in your vagina that’s not sexual, that’s kind of healing, then try out Ben Wa Balls, or other kegel devices that are non-porous. Your vagina will thank you. I’ll see y’all next time. Bye!