Articles, Blog

My Everything: Chronic Illness in Love [CC]

January 26, 2020


You wanted everything and I gave you everything but my everything was too much for you because my everything is late night I love you’s, and drive safely’s, and text me when you get home’s my everything is future plans, and kept promises, and never being able to hold you long enough the past wrapped up in pretty packages, because memories are priceless and also because I can’t afford anything else my everything is not caring that you always left the toilet seat up, and the towel on the floor and the jeans right next to the clothes basket my everything is making dinner and doing the dishes too because you had a long day, and so did I but my watch stopped working when I met you. my everything is meteor showers on car hoods and sweet notes hidden under windshield wipers and words that wouldn’t exist if you didn’t exist But the thing about my everything is that it’s all or nothing And my everything is also… being on a first name basis with my doctors my everything is hospital visits, and blood tests, and moderately gross side effects from various medications to counter the moderately gross symptoms from my various conditions my everything is sometimes not being able to get out of bed which you only ever seemed to mind when my clothes were on. my everything is a pink slip. convincing myself that shining scars are just permanent reminder that things are better than they were when things were worse. my everything is a paternal ghost whose voice I can’t remember even though it used to sing me to sleep. my everything is a long list of diagnoses you can’t pronounce and a house full of mobility aids that were marketed toward grandmothers my everything is knowing I will never get to be a grandmother you wanted everything and I gave you everything but my everything was too much for you so you chose nothing instead and it hurt, but more than anything I was jealous that you were able to choose nothing over my everything… because my everything is too much for me, too. This poem is a sample from my new book entitled ‘I Loved You Once’ It will be live on Amazon – October 12th for $1.99 but it is available from now until then for pre-order for only .99 cents If you would like to see more videos like this, and also videos not like this, please consider supporting my Patreon page Feel free to follow me on all the things If you enjoyed this video you might just wanna subscribe, hit the like button, maybe That’s up to you I’m not gonna force you to do that But, you know, it’s a thing that you could do if you wanted to do that thing Thank you for watching, my Chronically Awesome friends! I will see you all next time, but until then and always, take care!

19 Comments

  • Reply AJ Hutchinson October 9, 2017 at 2:46 am

    This is amazing Styna! I love it!

  • Reply Mahala Marie October 9, 2017 at 2:48 am

    This is breathtaking and amazing! I watched it three times. It’s not only what you said, but also the way you said it. I can’t even find the right words to convey how beautiful and awesome this is! Wishing you the best!💙

  • Reply Josh Spence October 9, 2017 at 4:49 am

    I don't have words for this one Styna, just wow. Really, just….wow.

  • Reply Corey Ryan October 9, 2017 at 7:16 am

    I'm a spoonie writer too, but lately I haven't cared enough to write because I felt like I was running out of words. This made me find my words again.

  • Reply Ben Gring October 12, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    I won't lie, I sat there for the first 2 minutes thinking you were having an emotional breakdown on video lol. just like "Well shit just got real". Ill be picking it up day one.

  • Reply Sogonrei *** October 22, 2017 at 3:56 pm

    Beautiful and yet so relatable. Just lost my best friend a man I loved so much…grief on top of being sick is making my symptoms worse and this poem is so raw and true.

  • Reply ahnraphel November 23, 2017 at 8:29 am

    God damn girl you make a boy just wanna bring you gatorade and electric blankets.

  • Reply Raynotchad December 4, 2017 at 9:36 am

    This is beautiful.

  • Reply Schechter Arts February 13, 2018 at 6:12 am

    Wow… This got my attention. That says a lot since I'm not into poetry, either reading or writing it. It is both wonderful & tragic, to be able to craft something polished & arranged from what is obviously a loss for you.

    The usual bromide in a situation like this one is "It is better to have loved & lost than never to have loved at all" but I won't tell you that. Life can be unkind in its randomness, & we cannot control what other people do. At most, we can influence them from time to time. Be as well as you can, eh?

  • Reply Cait Campbell March 11, 2018 at 2:36 am

    So incredibly beautiful!! I related you everything you said. I'm so sorry that you have those feelings. I'm sorry any of us do. You are beautiful, kind, as very talented. That is an amazing poem and thank you so much for sharing that. Love and light, from a fellow spoonie

  • Reply Spring Griffin May 3, 2018 at 2:54 pm

    Beautiful. <3

  • Reply Marie C May 27, 2018 at 10:58 pm

    This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing..

  • Reply Jonsey _ July 4, 2018 at 12:59 pm

    This is my favorite video on the Internet

  • Reply Lauren Michelle September 16, 2018 at 6:20 am

    I am so thankful for this piece. I felt all these things in my last relationship, and I have never seen someone put it in words so well.

  • Reply Deisha Zilionis December 3, 2018 at 7:41 am

    your insanely pretty. also thank you for such a beautiful poem

  • Reply Ambulance_Boy January 11, 2019 at 6:13 pm

    Beutiful video! You may be sick and tired but you are not alone!

  • Reply Rebeccah Wark February 15, 2019 at 5:15 pm

    Beautifully tragic!💜

  • Reply Dr1ven Industries April 14, 2019 at 9:49 pm

    This is freaking good and very heartfelt, sometimes all we can afford is to show ! memories are priceless! Thanks for this, sharing it on my live stream!

  • Reply Shelley McNamara May 21, 2019 at 7:30 am

    Beautiful.♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
    Brilliant♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
    Love you♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

  • Reply jason piper July 3, 2019 at 6:40 pm

    Such a beautiful soul. We have so much in common. Just this beautiful poem, that hauntingly beautiful song, and I absolutely LOVE your sense of humor….. I've been looking for my soulmate for so long that I gave up. Since I started watching your videos it showed me something very, very important. That its still possible that my soulmate is out there <3<3

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