Articles, Blog

Misconceptions of Mental Illness | Why Don’t People Understand Mental Disorders

December 28, 2019


Hi everyone! This videos
is going to be about the misconceptions of mental illness
/ mental disorders, including my own experience. I honestly do
not like those terms, despite the fact that I do use them,
because I believe those that struggle with something that is
considered abnormal, it’s just a different way of thinking and
living, different life views and experiences. What I mean
is, someone could be socially impaired, yet they could be
gifted in another area. It’s a trade off. You sacrifice
something to have something else. That is how I view it.
I use those terms though to describe what is considered
mental disorders and mental illness according to psychology.
Let’s discuss why other people often misunderstand those that
struggle with mental problems. This also includes people with
mental disorders themselves that can be judgmental and critical. One thing is that people do not
understand. They do not get it, cannot relate, and are quick to
judge because it is accepted by society to fit into a mold. That
is what I believe medication does. Changes our behavior and
thinking to be acceptable. But, that’s a completely different
topic of discussion. Anyway, when you do not fit into this
general mold, people see you as an outcast, differently, not
like everyone else. They can citizen and judge you because
of how you are. Yet, those that judge do not get why the person
is the way that they are. Our personality is shaped by our
past experiences. So, if you were abandoned and abused as a
child, you will grow up with a fear of abandonment and
paranoia, thinking everyone will deceive you and leave
you. People who don’t have a childhood like this can judge
someone who is paranoid and delusional, calling them crazy,
insane, because they do not get why the person is like that.
This doesn’t make any sense to me because we are all different.
Each and everyone one of us was raised differently. No two
people are exactly alike. Yet, people who criticize think it is
easy to change one’s thinking on the spot. Saying, “Don’t think
like that. Don’t be paranoid. Stop panicking. Stop obsessing.”
While it is true that those things need to be done in order
to be comfortable, it’s not so easy to change behavior that has
been part of your personality for so long. This requires
retraining the subconscious mind. In turn, many people
can think a person is faking or seeking attention, or just
completely nuts. Let’s look at several examples. The first
is someone having a psychotic episode. They are talking to
hallucinations that seem real to them. They can’t tell the
difference. People stare at this individual, thinking they are
weird. Perhaps even saying, “They are so dramatic. They need
to find a better way to seek attention.” Yet, many do not
understand what this behavior is like, what it’s like to
experience this and not even know that it’s all made up
in your mind. They judge and criticize because they cannot
relate and do not understand. Secondly, someone with OCD who
routinely performs tasks. They do the same thing over and over
and over again and cannot stop. The amount of people that will
stare would be overwhelming, making them even more anxious
and stressed. And, it’s all because those who have never
experience it, or understand it, don’t know what it’s like to
deal with that. Third, let’s take someone with PTSD. They
are terrified of a particular location because of something
that happened to them there. Other people may say, “Come on,
it’ll be fine. What’s wrong with you? Why are you not going?”
Yet, those with PTSD are scared of the location because their
mind has formed a connection to that area and the traumatic
event that occurred there. An association is formed, and if
the person returned to that area and couldn’t handle the stress,
the events could relive itself and dissociation
could occur which could cause many more problems. Another thing is people treat
you differently. People may think you need special help or
be cautious around you out of some fear something will happen.
What is that about? People can fear someone with a mental
disorder, view them as scary and stay away because of their
‘odd’ behavior and beliefs and thinking. Additionally someone
may not take the individual seriously and think they are
out of their mind crazy. As an example, a person commented on
a video of mine saying, “This woman has a video about
her life with schizophrenia… I have severe doubts about her
honesty.” I find this beyond offensive. Is this person
implying that schizophrenics are liars and deceptive people? This
is something that many people believe. They do not take the
person seriously. When you have a mental disorder, they look
at you like a joke. Those with schizophrenia can be ridiculed
by people. People view them as dangerous and stay away, when
that is just not the case for everyone. A person experiencing
a psychotic episode would be more scared of you over you
being scared of them. At least that is how it is for me.
Another example could be someone with a mood disorder. People
could say, “Oh, she’s just moody today. She has bipolar and is
out of control.” It’s so awful what people do and say about
someone that is different. Judgment and not being
treated equally is terrible. Next, people can criticize
someone because they do not fit into the mold of the mental
disorder itself. First and foremost, everyone experiences
and copes with mental disorders differently. For example,
someone with bipolar or schizophrenia could probably
relate to many other people with the disorder, but the severity
and how they cope with them are very different. No two people
with a mental disorder are exactly alike with how they
handle it and cope with it. On a related note, people can say,
“But, you don’t look mentally ill.” While it is true some
individuals suffer with certain disorders more than others, and
they may appear to be a little off with their appearance and
mannerisms, according to what society considers ‘normal’
anyway. But, for the rest of the people who do not look that
way and still struggle with the disorders, that statement is
irrelevant. As I just said, people with any kind of disorder
can struggle with it in various degrees. Just because someone
doesn’t look or act like they have a mental disorder, doesn’t
mean they do not struggle with something. Sometimes a best
friend of someone with a mental illness will never even
know about it. So, I find this statement completely false. Many
times people can discredit your experiences with a disorder
because you do not fit the exact criteria or handle it
differently, perhaps even better than most people with the
disorder. But, this doesn’t mean you do not struggle with it.
Only you know what you struggle with no one else ever will. I
think when many people with mental disorders are criticized
for being a fraud and fake, they try to prove themselves to make
the person in doubt a believer. However, this is really
unnecessary since, if you can take a step back, let it go, and
realize that there is no need for proof. That you know what
you struggle with and the other person does not, then forget
them. No further conversation is needed about the topic. I find
that by trying to prove yourself, or just simply getting
involved in the mess this person has caused you, it greatly
intensifies stress. When people would tell me something
negative, I use to obsess over it. Now, I am learning to
let it go. I don’t look back. I’m done with it and
have let it go. Now I will discuss my experience
with people misunderstanding what I struggle with. The
biggest thing I am accused of online is regarding dissociative
identity disorder. So many people think I am a total faker
and liar. Some people believe the disorder exists, but that I
do not have it. Or others just don’t believe it exists at all.
Some people were saying how rare the disorder is and it’s just
impossible for someone like me, who is aware and can handle it
quite well, to experience what I claim. It is impossible in their
eyes. The truth is, the disorder is not necessarily rare, but
the most severe cases are rare. Cases where severe changes take
place, changes that are really not possible to fake, are rare.
Uncontrollable. I have decided to do a completely separate
video on this whole topic as I am done talking about that. I’m
not letting that negativity get me down any longer. So, I’m done
with it. If you want more info you will need to watch my video
I will have dedicated to this and the misconceptions around
DID. Ok, moving on now. My family does not understand what
I go through. They have said some of my behavior is put on
and they do not take me seriously because I
have inappropriate smiling and laughter because
of being nervous. I could talk about suicide
which is nothing to joke about, yet smile and
laugh about it, making them not take me seriously. They get
mad when I accuse them of doing things they claim to not have
done, like mess with my food, poison it and try to kill me,
or anything else really. Anyway, many people criticize my
authenticity. People don’t think it is possible to struggle
with what I struggle with. I want to know from people who
disagree with me greatly and think I’m a total fraud, so I
can hear their side and know why, so I can understand their
perspective. But, they can’t even be bothered to elaborate.
This makes me think that some people are just out to make
others feel bad for no reason whatsoever. I’m not trying to
jump to conclusions here, but there certainly are people out
there like this. Now, a lot of things started to come to
me about my past, after I transitioned. I think this is
because I was finally ready to go back to my past after I
successfully transitioned and escaped from the male person I
was. Dissociated from him. And, it brought back a lot of
traumatic memories and really affected me, causing me more
stress and anxiety, amplifying my pre-existing conditions. On a
related note, many people have said, “You can’t have ALL these
mental disorders.” And, the way I look at it, it makes perfect
sense. I am transgender, which is not a mental disorder by the
way, because my mind and body developed differently of one
another. I had a female brain, yet a male body. It was not
a choice, a birth defect, something that occurs in the
womb when the brain develops to either a male or a female, yet
the body develops differently. So, that explains to myself that
I am trans. Next, I come from a family that has mental problems.
The one side I do not know about has more, but I do not know the
extent of it. Perhaps this is where the bipolar and
schizophrenia came from. These generally have a hereditary
component, so it makes sense to me that this is perhaps where
they originated from for me. Next, I was abused, neglected,
abandoned as a child. This led me to developing PTSD and
unconsciously repressing trauma. I learned to repress a lot of
myself, due to also being transgender, which in turn
caused me to develop many different sides to myself that
those repressed thoughts and emotions could be expressed
through. And lastly, due to the stress and anxiety of the
entire situation, I became obsessive-compulsive to reduce
the anxiety. My family and my traumatic past explains why I
am the way I am today. And, for someone to criticize that and
say, “You are lying, faking, it’s all in your head.” Making
fun of the person I am, the person I struggled so hard to
finally be and am still pushing through to make my life better,
I find that to be extremely disrespectful. Those people do
not understand it or get it. But, with this disrespect and
misunderstanding, I can grow stronger. I become a better
person that can look at the negativity as a way to boost my
morale. It may get me down in the short term, but in the
long-term, it has a profound positive effect on me. I think
some of the strongest people are those that have suffered
greatly. Those that were abused and tormented, and struggle with
things only a small fraction of people have to endure. That
is what makes all these people strong and I fully support
anyone 100% who has endured so much in their life and continues
to push through, hoping each day is a sign of improvement.
Because that is a sign of strength, not weakness. We may
be criticized for who we are, how are personality is, but
in the end we are such strong people to have to put up with
all that and continue fighting through. You are a strong person
and don’t let anyone, especially those saying you are
wrong, trying to get you down, criticizing you, say otherwise.
Because you are strong and you will make it through. There is
a lot of stigma around mental disorders. But, it is nothing
to be ashamed of. We are all different. We each struggle with
our own challenges. Acceptance is the only way. Not only
acceptance of ourselves and what happens to us, and what
we struggle with, but also accepting others. Everyone
deserves to be accepted and loved no matter how different
they are, or how rude or inconsiderate they are. Everyone
deserves respect. We all have a need to be accepted, but our
personality can get in the way of this and make us hold back
ourselves. I use to be like this, but no more. I do not hold
back myself any longer. I tell all to the world, total
openness. I put myself at risk of being criticized and made fun
of, which I am a lot. But, this is all in hopes that one day,
humans can learn acceptance of everyone, even those that are
the complete opposite of them. So, I hope this video was
informative and helpful. Thanks for watching!

99 Comments

  • Reply Run around March 10, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    I enjoy your Vids. Your makeup looks pretty. I notice it's softer, very nice. Keep up thr good work.

  • Reply Run around March 10, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    Like push through!

  • Reply Taylortimeteam March 10, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Brilliant video, you covered a lot of what I'm sure many people think about these matters. Keep up the awesome videos. 🙂

  • Reply Becky Erickson March 10, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Oh my god, THIS. I hate when people dont even try to understand. I have anxiety and panic disorders (respectively, one seems to accompany the other in my experiance!) and no one understands that saying "calm down!" When i'm having an attack just makes me mad. I CAN'T calm down, that is LITERALLY the issue! Or they say "You had such a good childhood, you can't have a mental disorder!" Well, yeah, I can apparently! The chemicals in my brain have a better argument than you! I LOVE your videos Autumn, you are so beautiful and strong, keep at it girl!

  • Reply Jamie1982 March 10, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    I honestly don't blame "normal" people for not understanding most mental illnesses.

    Before I became aware that I have a mental illness and started learning about it. I wouldn't be able to understand mental illness.

    So can't blame them. But hope that "normal" people will be able to be more understanding and open to people with mental illness.

  • Reply dwalta7 March 10, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Most people are just trying to do the best they can, given the tools they have.

  • Reply dwalta7 March 10, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    Have you read anything by Marya Hornbacher?  Madness:A Bipolar Life is a great and relatable read.  For me anyway.

  • Reply Umgezogen March 10, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    I have a question for Iris.

    What if you ever decide to get your hair cut? Wouldn't the others be kinda pissed of at you? Like what if Autumn for example likes her hair long, and you go and get it cut, how do you all coordinate things like that?

  • Reply HellCat March 10, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    I believe people accuse you of faking because when you are in here and talk about these things you seem the clearest, most logical and sane person on Earth. Also, those who haven't done any research in the matter, expect a person with let's say schizophrenia to act in a certain way at all times.
    They cannot grasp the idea of "episodes" or "triggers" and they think a schizophrenic person should behave like a crazed beast.

    Also, it is pretty hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes. I remember my sociology teacher asking us "what is like to be a turtle?". We adapt the reality to OUR therms and chemical structure and we try to bend it in a way that fits us. Therefore, fully understanding what someone else feels is close to zero. For instance, having HSP all my life caused me to feel, think and act differently compared to "normal" people. For them is just as hard to understand what I'm going through, just as much as it is for me to understand how can they be so different about it.

    In the end, dealing with these things, for each of us they become normal. I do not believe in normality, happiness or beauty as generally acceptable therms anymore. They mean such different things for everyone.

    Being on the internet doesn't help much in that matter. We tend to care even less about people we don't personally know, and mixed with the fact that we are cocooned by being anonymous, leads many to become bullies and throw away cheap and harsh critique. One can't expect others to fully understand or at least be a little more gentle in their comments, given this fact. All you can try to do is not put it to the heart too much. Easier said than done, I know. But I've been dealing with this for more than 10 years now in my line of work and I learned to grow a thicker skin in time.
    Just be sure that there are people out there who admire you for what you do, support you and wish you good. Try to get your energy off of that.

    Can't wait for the next video, and until then, be safe, Autumn.

  • Reply Nicoletta Pierini March 10, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    It's been a long time since i've come across such an understanding and amazing person … Autumn, you explain everything so well!

  • Reply balloonparty2012 March 10, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Well spoken as always. maybe it's just me but you keep looking prettier all the time.Thank for taking the time to educate us. You do a nice job.

  • Reply Kim123456 March 10, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    This brought me to tears towards the end, I can totally relate to people putting you down and belittling what you say, I've really been fighting myself mentally at every down time I get. It becomes so tiresome. Thank you for posting though, it was such a good video, and you look amazing, your eyes are so beautiful x

  • Reply China Hassan March 11, 2014 at 12:01 am

    hi love

  • Reply MentalFleshHarvest March 11, 2014 at 12:51 am

    I think your really pretty!! :3 that's not the only reason I watch your videos though lol

  • Reply China Hassan March 11, 2014 at 1:02 am

    where are you where are you where are you I need you to talk to me next Tuesday is my operation where are you where are you where are you

  • Reply ShopWornFairy March 11, 2014 at 1:59 am

    That you are stronger, WONDERFUL!!!!  Yes, your videos are and will help in reducing the stigma of mental illness.

  • Reply Me2Michelle March 11, 2014 at 3:19 am

    Hi Autumn, thanks for another awesome video. You have such wonderful understanding and knowledge on Psychology and Mental Diversity. Have you ever thought of making it your vocation? You would make such a brilliant Psychologist or Psychiatrist. I agree that if people in general could try harder to understand and accept others who are different from themselves then the world would be a much better place. Yes everyone deserves understanding and respect whether it be on the grounds of Mental Diversity, Gender, Gender Identity, Sexual Orientation, Race, Religion, Age, Culture, Socio-economic status and Political views etc etc etc. It might be "pie in the sky" but after all that's what John Lennon's "Imagine" was all about. We need to put ourselves in other people's shoes to understand why they may think and act in a different way to ourselves.

  • Reply KingThrainI March 11, 2014 at 4:07 am

    Don't let people get you down Autumn your a much more interesting person than they are or ever will be. And there are those of us out there that accept you. You have an awesome channel. I would love to have you as a friend, I believe in you. I think you can achieve what you want in life.

  • Reply emily leyland March 11, 2014 at 6:56 am

    I mentioned you to my psychologist so you may have one more subscriber. One of issues that I experienced is somewhat reversed. My exterior image was somewhat programmed to convey an image acceptable to others. During a particularly difficult period in my life I tried to get help with no luck whatsoever. A doctor commented to me that I present too well. I was able to relate all this to my current psychologist and she completely understands and could see it in terms of my overall transgender disposition.

    I am really happy how confident you are. You are an inspiration to others who may feel down on themselves because of what they are experiencing. I think you have tremendous gifts as you mention in this video. Your introspection will only serve to strengthen your great gifts. Really, Really enjoyed the video, made me happy. 🙂

  • Reply Ashley Molloy March 11, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Okay you're perfect just the way you are, unique, unlike anyone else and if you feel or are told you have a mental illness it shouldn't matter because it's your life your body, your brain, your consciousness of reality, the fact that we judge each other and hold standards is just the product of mass media and brain conditioning to work, buy, work, buy and work jobs we don't like and buy things we don't need to fit a mold that society has engrained so deeply that it's too late to change, we have already handed over the decision making to people in power or money that we choose to hold value to when we could all burn it and keep doing what we are doing but who would work for free because they don't like their job and it they did they would work for free. Sorry I'm rambling but the truth is, there are too many people in the world and were crammed into cities and towns etc. and we all grow up differently but everyone thinks everyone else should be exactly like they are, little do they know if everyone was like them their tiny world would be very boring and incredibly lonely.

  • Reply Pudge March 11, 2014 at 11:52 am

    beautiful as always and great vid much love Autumn

  • Reply Mia Alexa Gonzalez March 11, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    There are people who can't believe in the different behaviors, or lack of constructive behaviors, caused by different types of mental illness. They dismiss someone like me as being lazy, ignorant, or fake. I guess that's why there's so much shame, fear, and other negative reasons why many of us don't get help until later in life or even not at all.
    I've been seeing a therapist for a while now. It's a lot better, but not much easier. Good video by @Autumn Asphodel for those who are interested in learning about mental illness and the behavior of people who suffer from it.

  • Reply BJFTYPE82 March 11, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    You speak as I would expect  a professional to.Very insitefull You look good  without the heavy eye shadow, beutifull eyes. Could you try your next video with natural eye brows   kindest  Regards.

  • Reply AlannahMarie95 March 12, 2014 at 4:37 am

    This was an amazing video, Autumn! <3

  • Reply YouSoRusso March 13, 2014 at 10:08 am

    I hate that people act differently. Stifling their words in case I'd be upset by it, being as nice as possible to a point where it's patronising, thinking and presuming things about me. None of it is cool. I would prefer to be treated like a normal human, I already feel weird enough without everyone treating me weird as well. I think there just needs to be a wider understanding of mental illness within popular culture. It seems so tucked away and not talked about when it's a completely real, hard, and damaging thing to deal with. At least someone gets it! Thank you Autumn, thoroughly enjoyed this and I'll see you on the next one 🙂

  • Reply firesign 82 March 17, 2014 at 6:06 am

    you are the most intelligent, open minded, and uplifting personi have encountered in well ever… I hope you realize how much you are helping people.. you are sooo young but speak soo beyond your years.. experience is the best education… anyone should be honored to call you a friend.. =) ps if i keep watching your videos im never gonna get any sleep.. lol 

  • Reply Emma Sparrow March 18, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    You are very intelligent and extremely well spoken and engaging. Lectures usually bore me to death even when I'm interested in the topic but yours are so interesting and really draws me in. You should lecture at high schools and colleges it would be so helpful for students weather they suffer from disorders or not.

  • Reply Oddvar Örn Hjartarson March 25, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    god, your awsome!! thanks for all – keep it going beautyqueeeeen 😉

  • Reply hamster20017 March 29, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    I tried to find a thread where people just gush about how pretty and nice and clever you are. I couldn't find it. So here it is. I've been dealing with bipolar depression for 20 years or so (probably all my life). I also study LGBT issues. Thanks.

  • Reply AWellDoneSteak April 9, 2014 at 12:45 am

    These misconceptions are, unfortunately, natural reactions. Before I knew I had Social Anxiety Disorder, I just thought that I was a nervous wreck who was worrying about stupid things for no good reason. It was myself, and even then, I couldn't understand until I did research.

  • Reply Angela K April 19, 2014 at 10:39 pm

    this is encouraging 🙂 

  • Reply Jeanne Young April 25, 2014 at 4:47 am

    <3

  • Reply owlislike May 17, 2014 at 8:07 pm

    My marriage has both Chronic PTSD from combat, and Secondary PTSD ( I know that is a new one, many doctors still do not recognize it as an actual issue). I find myself constantly having to explain to people that just because my husband has PTSD he is NOT a monster that is going to snap at any moment. Movies and media portrayel of PTSD ( most especially for military personel) is very innacurate, and it makes me really sad when the first thing that people ask me when they find out are questions like " Is he abusive?" or " Is he dangerous?".  We have our issues, and we have to deal with life differently than most couples, but we still have a loving marriage and are happy together.  I wish that the world did not make people feel ashamed for wanting to seek help for themselves, to me it should be embraced and supported so that more people will feel comfortable enough to come forward and get the help the need. 

  • Reply Given To Grow May 23, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    Thank you for your videos. I suffer  from mental illness myself and have few people I feel I can relate to. Watching your videos reminded me i'm not alone and even though i may not be considered "normal" I am worthy of happiness. And so are you! You are beautiful and inspirational.

  • Reply Legendary Music May 25, 2014 at 6:25 am

    There are a lot of things that I put off for so many years, just trying to deal with things myself. Mostly because of what has been said in this video–negativity, the fear of not being taken seriously. A couple a years ago I came across the whole concept of introversion while realising that I wasn't alone, and other things such as Asperger Syndrome.  I'm only just now seeking a diagnosis for Aspergers as well as therapy with regards to my anxiety/panic attacks, depression and scars of past traumas (of which I have a good idea of the underlying causes).

    It was a learning experience for my mum, as she was with me when a "Social Inclusion Worker" came for a preliminary talk before I meet the Diagnostic Team, and I had to discuss those things. Being introverted, an INTj–I have difficulty expressing my emotions, and they will usually be hidden under a mask of fake smiles. It's why people see me as calm, patient and collected. All the while, I may be screaming in anger or crying out of sorrow inside and have a thousand thoughts running through my head at any given time–like a thousand voices speaking all at once. 

    Even she didn't know any of this, until of these things came out. But afterwards–her words were "it all makes sense now". 

    It's for reasons stated in this video, that the only person I feel comfortable being myself around, is my 3 years old niece. She has no judgements, no hidden agendas, no prejudices…she sees me for who I am as a person. As soon as she walks through the door, she shouts "Michael!"–when she's at school, she's telling the teachers there that she's "going to be seeing Uncle Michael". She's the only thing I live for–she's my shadow. 

    It's a shame some of us can become judgemental, prejudice and have our own hidden agendas as well get older. 

  • Reply Jamie Lee May 27, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Who (I mean like which personality) is she??

  • Reply coalikesdesi June 10, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    I don't think mental illness exists…it's an arbitrary label designed to punish and oppress.

  • Reply lukaluei June 13, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    I just found your channel today, and I am so glad I did.  It gives me confidence in myself to find someone who is willing to share so much info with the public, especially for myself, since I am schizotypal.  Keep up your work.  

  • Reply Sab Martin July 2, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Honestly, you're amazing. I love your channel, and I love your views. Thank you for sharing <3 :))

  • Reply Saif Bhuiyan August 16, 2014 at 7:26 am

    this he/she has a lot of crazy inside it. 

  • Reply Piqueniale August 20, 2014 at 2:00 am

    When I was diagnosed with major depression, I didn't know what to do. I felt as hell and I needed someone to tell me they cared about me having it and that they would care if I killed myself, so I said it to my classmates and friends without making it seem serious or a big deal because I was scared they would label me as "crazy" more than they already did. Somehow, and despite that, I still wanted it to be taken seriously. That did not happen with almost everyone.
    This girl asked me "how does it feel like?" and she didn't mean it badly, but it was so personal I couldn't share it and just answered "I don't know". That caused a boy to jump and say "well, you don't look depressed to me, bitch. If you are depressed and take meds, I can go to a doctor to take them too. I bet you lied to get attention and privileges, twat." They couldn't know I had tried to kill myself multiple times and that the wounds from the cuts of the previous night were still fresh beneath my sweater, I tried to play it cool and they never noticed how I kept scratching my arm until it bled or how I bit wrist from time to time trying to make the itch stop. I felt useless, sad, lonely and as if no one could feel the slightest love for me, I thought they lied whenever something positive was told by anyone to me. I hid panic attacks while in class, used cold as an excuse for constantly shaking, used my cat as an excuse for any possible mark they could come across…
    But I tried so hard to hide it on one hand, while on the other I was just dropping subtle hints always. I wanted someone to try to look behind and notice, to tell me they knew I wasn't fine but I would be because they would be there by my side.
    Once I had to explain in class, in front of everyone, that I had been allowed to do the test one week later because of my mental illness. The teacher laughed and implied that she thought I was lying, but that she would accept my "excuse", which made me embarrassed enough even if I acted okay. I felt awful and the response from another boy was to comment on how they had always been right about calling me the ugly crazy freak. The teacher laughed again and added that she also knew I had never been good enough up there anyway. Luckily, the bell rang, and I left the class before anyone could see my tears.
    Everyone treated me like a broken toy, as if touching me too hard would break me and I had to be pitied. Or they would make fun of me. Both made it worse, no one would just sit with me and treat me like someone normal who just needed to be in peace and feel bad but with company. My best friend was really supportive, though, she would allow me to call her everyday and talk to me for hours even if she had her university exams the next day or whatever. She was my life boat.
    I wanted to be needed by someone, so I started having many one-night make out sessions with random guys that I didn't even like to feel something. All I felt was disgusted with myself and blocked their phones because they made me sick. I abused alcohol and got wasted so many times I can't remember most of the weekends of those months.
    My mum thought throwing a party would make me feel better, so she left me the whole house so I could share it with many classmates, acquitances and friends without adult's supervision. I got wasted and made out with a guy I didn't know had a gf until the next day. He took me upstair telling me he wanted to have privacy to make out. We entered my room and he suddenly turned off the lights, he said he didn't want to see me because that way we would just feel. Then he said he was going to kiss me again, but when I opened my mouth he stuck his dick inside it. At first I was so surprised that I went with it because he moved my head, then I didn't want to anymore, I felt used and disgusting. I tried to get it out but he thought I was just doing it wrong because I was drunk, so he kept saying "no, no, not that way, this way, here, let me show you", so I pushed him away and he got mad. He said he was almost there and if I didn't go on, he would tell everyone I had undressed myself in front of him and I was disgusting, so he turned off the lights so I could dress up and suck his dick without having to see me. He would say I was the one who started taking off his pants and who put his dick in my mouth. He would say I was a gross whore and, as he was the popular guy and I was the mad drunk girl, no one would believe me. He said he wouldn't if I finished and then he would even please me the same way. I thought I had no choice so cried as finishing. He came in my mouth, put his clothes back on, turned the lights on and said "you didn't really think I would please or like someone as you, did you? I would only touch you with a stick and you already know which one. If you tell anyone about what we did, I will deny it." He left the room as I felt like shit and passed out drunk in my bed sobbing a bit. I woke up the morning later and saw him going through my private stuff as another friend slept in my room, he smiled and said he was looking for some pain killers and offered me one. They turned out to be my sleeping pills, I tried to shout at him he was an awful man and I didn't understand what his problem was, but I was too tired and hung over so it came as a whisper and I slowly fell asleep. He kept whispering in my ear "it was just a dream, nothing happened between us, I am too good for you". I can't believe he thought that would work.
    I still feel it was my fault for leading him by making out, I feel it was my fault for being depressed. I feel being depressed and suicidal is my fault because I am not supposed to go on, as if it was a way of applying the neo-darwinism in the new times, getting rid of the useless weak ones. Getting rid of such a waste for the society as me.
    I am on strong antidepressant with a high daily dose, anxiety pills and occasionally sleeping ones too. I am better, I haven't tried to finish it in a while, I haven't cut in a while either, my thoughts aren't even as bad anymore. I still feel depressed and that way many times, though, it just can't get to me as much, but it's still there. Waiting. I kinda want it to get me sometimes so I could feel all my pain back and get enough of it to have the guts to do it right once and for all.

  • Reply Adammarketis August 20, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    One of the things I find interesting about the human race is that we have been here for 200,000 years (6,000 years or if your a fundamental) And mental disorders has been a problem since day one….And yet too many people still have problems understanding even the most basic aspects of it. Most of the time it was because they kept turning their backs to it except when they wanted a 'flaw' for characters in fictional entertainment or when they wanted a scapegoat to blame everything on.

    For a sapient race to ignore such an elephant in the room, seemingly on purpose for so long, makes me wonder if there's something wrong with everyone in general.

  • Reply insane247 August 28, 2014 at 4:44 am

    7:28 i have (am formally diagnosed with) autism spectrum disorder, PTSD, A.D.D., OCD, paranoid personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, mild dissociative and borderline disorder, Synesthesia, (and a couple others I can't remember at the moment) and nobody knows I'm not mentally "normal" unless I tell them. They do notice my personality differences (that are not based from any disorder) like how I am eccentric, high energy, and can be pretty silly (I joke around A LOT!), but not my mental disorders. 

  • Reply insane247 August 28, 2014 at 5:11 am

    I am neutral when it comes to judging your legitimacy. I have a good enough head on my shoulders, unlike millions of people, that if I am not educated in a topic, I have no right to claim or disclaim it in my mind or verbally. I am not educated in DID so I do not have an opinion either way based on your legitimacy. But I do find the topic intriguing.

  • Reply Lilith Aurora September 23, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    I smile and laugh when I talk about previous suicide attempts…almost every time I've mentioned it. 

  • Reply Penny Lane October 23, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    love this video the beginning is so awesome.   People do not understand the difference in disorder vs mental illness.   Yes or they judge you cause they are.  

  • Reply Penny Lane October 23, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    omg this is so good.   You hit it on the nail girl.   People should know this

  • Reply Penny Lane October 23, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    PTSD is so hard because of the fear and what you are experiences.   I have this and it's horrible.   I sometimes don't even know where I am.   People suck that is why they can't deal with someone in pain.

  • Reply Penny Lane October 23, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    that is right know two people are the same in the disorders they have.  You look okay but you are not.   No one can feel someone else s pain or joy.  I don't listen to negative people.  yeah DID no one believes even a Psychiatrist told me that in the community most don't believe in it.  LOL they aren't that bright DID is real and you don't have to prove it.  Sometimes when you think people are out to get you, they really are.  They just don't think 11:00.  I so understand this 11:30.  Oh they are so sad to think they are God.  I asked someone just recently about Homosexuality in the Bible.  I said if God makes us they what about hermaphrodites?  12:54 You know I don't even know my family.  People in families that do that are wanting to stay in their lies and delusions.   Me too 13:50 I love that about you.  14:20   Say otherwise wow wow what a great way to put it. yes accepted and love and respect.  Awesome awesome testimony … Christians what do you say about these other people you don't love.  You better love them or you will be judged as you judge. 

  • Reply Jamie Gould October 24, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Throughout the history of mankind, people have been terrified of what they don't understand. Making fun, avoiding or remaining scared instead of educating themselves is a weird way of coping for some.

  • Reply Shea Lupkes November 14, 2014 at 4:57 am

    ptsd doesn't just connect fear to a place, sometimes it can be linked to an action, a person, an object, something you hear, smell, anything really.

  • Reply Elia Willis December 10, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    I've recently come across your channel and I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you. You're very brave to be discussing your innermost problems in front of a global audience. I don't think I could ever make myself so vulnerable and open to ridicule on such a public forum. For that reason I've got nothing but respect for you. I find your videos very informative and helpful. I've recently befriended someone who suffers from schizophrenia and while I know I'll never be able to fully understand them, your videos have given me a bit of an insight into what they may be going through.

    Keep up the good work!

  • Reply Moraynduh Brenoon December 13, 2014 at 3:12 am

    I can relate to a lot of these, especially the first one. I am ADD and my medication makes me nauseous. Also almost none of my family/friends views ADD as a "mental illness" or they simply don't understand it. Most people don't understand ADD because doctors still don't understand much about it so whenever i tell me friends i have ADD they all say "Don't you mean ADHD". This gets me angry when people don't know the difference between ADD and ADHD.

  • Reply Adelle Ramcharan December 29, 2014 at 1:24 am

    I've been going through a lot…watching your videos all weekend has helped me so much! I love your honesty and how you address your issue with smiling. You are very brave. I'm glad that you made it and you are alive. Not just because you helped me, but because just by being who you are, you add value and goodness to this world, whether you make videos or not! Thankyou 🙂

  • Reply nightmarelab December 30, 2014 at 11:06 am

    someone who does not understand or think it exists, is because they have never experienced it, and im happy that they have never had it, it is something one does not wish to anyone. I know, because I´ve been there, male transgender, with ptsd, did, paranoia..anxiety.  And I try to always listen with love what others have to say, if is rude, I say, I have the right to disagree with their statement. If you ever go tumblr, try following the blog named sakurasepuku. Has very encouraging quotes and advice.

  • Reply shae January 1, 2015 at 9:26 am

    One day people will be able to fully understand "source" conciousness.

  • Reply T-bomb February 19, 2015 at 2:10 am

    "No matter how rude they are. Everyone deserves respect!" Naah… I was watching some "Westboro Baptist Church" videos earlier this evening  (talking about mental disorders 😀 ). These morons don't deserve respect at all. Hopefully one day somebody drives his/her car at 100 mph into a crowd of these idiots. That's the person that gets my respect.

  • Reply MadParrotLady March 17, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    What a great video, thank you for raising awareness for mental health. I will be sharing this on my page on Facebook 🙂

    https://www.facebook.com/MentalHealthandInvisibleIllnessResources

  • Reply Helen Wendel March 20, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Well said, Autumn.  I view these things the same way.  Some of the people who are classically termed "mentally ill" would have been called spiritual mentors in other types of societies.

  • Reply Daniel Segatto March 23, 2015 at 10:03 am

    I have a depressive condition. NOT A SINGLE PERSON has ever said anything helpful. On the contrary, of course. Apparently, just physical disabilities are valid to people. They just can´t accept depression as a petrifying disability.

  • Reply Seer Lumbreso March 27, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    I use to be OCD, but when that along with other of my dominant traits I got an opposite hippey like traits. Now that I am healing I need to rebuild… and more that I wont share cause… ya public.

  • Reply Seer Lumbreso March 27, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    I believe religion is what others call a disorder but Rene Descartes questioned much I think there for I am. It is a model of reality that makes reality make sense so existing can happen with out the fear of right and wrong. Now, this age I feel more and more people can master them self's. Judging others is a simple fear, greed is fear…. in an age with no more fear we will achieve things we would only imagine a god could achieve.

  • Reply Ethan Fields April 7, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    What kinds of things were your family putting in your food?

  • Reply Mintyoreos April 8, 2015 at 10:37 am

    This video is wonderful and so well done, you are so amazingly wonderful. Thank you, this was so helpful (': <3

  • Reply Fallenangel 85 April 9, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    I sometimes wear a shirt saying "pretending to be normal", most people don't get it.
    You can have severe mental problems, but still look totally "normal" on the outside, because after some time you learn to play normal, just as a means to protect yourself.
    And i never want to be totally normal either, there is some effects of metal disorders that are really nice and hard to miss. Like being very emotional or being able to disassociate yourself easily, going to your "Dreamworld". 

  • Reply San Hay April 20, 2015 at 9:16 am

    All I care to understand is that I am a narcissist. I don't care what you think. But seriously, you should trust me. I don't trust anyone else ;D

    I TOTALLY get you (all) btw. Have you considered my "deal" yet? Just give my comments the attention I clearly think I deserve and then switch your attention from the comments to ME…sorry, got a little carried away there. I'm a narcissist (really).

  • Reply Kuma Presten April 25, 2015 at 7:30 am

    you are an inspiration to me. this video was just so on point.

  • Reply KitKatKai May 13, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    Autumn…thank you for your words at the end of this video. I really needed those words today. Thank you.

  • Reply D May 15, 2015 at 2:22 am

    Im bipolar just for u to know
    People really dont think im bipolar
    I try not to teer to the depressing side of sed disorder and makes me seem like an over joyful person and when i actually do get depressed extremely for no actual reason i juat look like i have depression instead

  • Reply flowersgen May 30, 2015 at 6:47 am

    You're so gorgeous!!!!!

  • Reply Larisa Stow May 30, 2015 at 8:13 am

    Absolutely inspiring!  Thank you for speaking your truth and walking an intensely sacred path of authenticity and self love.  I am inspired by your immense courage and vulnerability.  You are doing your deepest soul work.  Thank you!!

  • Reply M.F. Twotablesnotime June 5, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    I am glad I ran over this video. Thank you for sharing your strength, I felt so connected… you have a wonderful speaking voice that resonated with a Ping! and a few of my own experiences, so I am including a link to a post from my blog. I was browsing because I have just decided to start holistic therapy and I was searching for a bit of affirmation.  You're beautiful… And completely not related to topic, but I had to say I love your eyebrows! Peace

    http://twotablesnotime.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-stigma-surrounding-being-medicated.html

  • Reply Hector Rivera June 24, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Your smileeeeeeeee!!! And the whole you. So cute (/u)

  • Reply Agent 47 June 28, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    I have schizophrenia and IED. People always tell me that I fake my symptoms and problems and people make fun of me. In case no one knows what IED is it's Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Its an anger disorder that is severe uncontrollable and to me its something very hard to deal with. Same with schizophrenia…

  • Reply Paula Gillis July 10, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    This woman speaks clearly and simply so that anyone can understand the truth she is speaking

  • Reply Natalie Fay July 24, 2015 at 2:50 pm

    I love your makeup here! U are such a natural beauty ?

  • Reply Elizabeth Shaner December 10, 2015 at 4:16 am

    Medication does help but some days not so much, it saved me from killing myself yes I do have tendencies but to a lesser degree that's how I see it, I still self harm but to a lesser degree

  • Reply Aravia Newton January 26, 2016 at 5:22 am

    I love your videos how you explain how people view a person with a mental illness. I had a friend we were cool and long story short her Mom ended it because she thought I would harm her daughter.. I'm so hurt cause I seem normal too most but once I tell them they don't want to date me.. I feel no one wants me my own Grandma says I talk her to death I have very little friends and the one I have suffers more than me.. what do I do??. I feel no one understands me my Grandma thinks I lie or I'm trying to get attention than she thinks I know nothing… I hurt I feel like you understand me… and ingore people who talk about you your videos..They are good I wanted to talk about it on YouTube but I didn't want to get hurt like you, also my family don't understand me either I talk about death and laugh too I wish me and you were friends thanks again for your videos hope you see my comment.. ttyl

  • Reply RapMuscleMan January 28, 2016 at 6:11 am

    I have a mental disorder. People around me try to convince me that I don't….But I do.
    It's very hard to be surrounded by people who make me feel alone. I just do what I can each day. Thank you for posting this video.

  • Reply Tony Padilla March 15, 2016 at 3:16 am

    Thank you [email protected] You are ruin

  • Reply Vasiliky Dimi June 12, 2016 at 6:28 pm

    Hey 🙂

    I was just wondering if you have heard about Blue ray, indigo, crystal and rainbow children?
    Do you ever meditate? Ground, cleanse and protect your energies?

    ~ Vasiliky <3

  • Reply Bliss The Nightmaren June 14, 2016 at 1:59 am

    I have an idea. Would it help if we started to raise awareness for DID?

  • Reply Keith Zielinski June 16, 2016 at 6:12 am

    I think it's very brave of you to be this open and revealing. it's is very difficult to be this open about ones self

  • Reply truthseekeer 4 July 15, 2016 at 6:53 pm

    I'm socially and mentally impaired and now facing conviction on something disgusting I haven't done. I was afraid of police and said what they wanted to hear. or they made it up. I don't know I was too far manic suicidal and drunk ???? I'm in Scotland any advice? The courts won't understand I'm going to prison innocent .

  • Reply truthseekeer 4 July 15, 2016 at 7:05 pm

    I believe you

  • Reply Emma Turner August 10, 2016 at 7:35 am

    http://www.thepetitionsite.com/tell-a-friend/27792189  please help me beat this xx

  • Reply CommanderLVJ1 August 25, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Remember that there are some true disfunctions etc. where a person is truly out of touch with physical reality.

  • Reply Alice Lockhart September 9, 2016 at 4:57 am

    What you say from 13:00 on is just.. Amazing <3

  • Reply 3D Editor November 14, 2016 at 10:44 pm

    @ Autumn Asphodel, Would you agree that Respect is earned by the way we treat others? It's a two way street? We can command respect through leading by example and not demanding it? I ask you these questions, because you said in this presentation that everyone deserves respect, even if they are being rude and inconsiderate toward others. I understand that there are some people that struggle on a social level due to their different disorders, but people still need to and can learn how to treat others properly in society through counseling and learned behavior, even if they don't feel like it. Some people I have seen with severe anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar, narcissism, passive aggressiveness, you name it, that don't treat or talk to others very kindly, and that is unacceptable, because everyone wants to be treated respectfully no matter what. If someone has some chemical, mental disorders that need to be addressed and helped with, they really should seek help immediately before they make things worse for themselves on a social level.

  • Reply Samuel Lau February 20, 2017 at 4:37 am

    What do you think about people who have narcissism?

  • Reply Samuel Lau February 20, 2017 at 4:38 am

    How can we help those people who have that mental illness?

  • Reply E Zachariah June 6, 2017 at 2:18 am

    I heard your thing on medication and my mind went to the time I had to take Prozac and acted like a zombie.

  • Reply Common Science October 27, 2017 at 4:07 am

    What do you mean female brain? Are you talking about personality?

  • Reply Farah Mukhtar December 2, 2017 at 5:47 pm

    True no one understands people who have experience

  • Reply Farah Mukhtar December 2, 2017 at 5:52 pm

    It’s really upsetting ???????

  • Reply rick Es February 2, 2018 at 12:43 am

    You’re a breath of fresh air and thanks for this video. Ive struggled for years and still do. I’m still pushing through.

  • Reply 13levante February 4, 2018 at 10:51 am

    You potentially can save lives! You have experienced deep pain and not turn it against other. You have been through the darkness of mental illness and now you deeply understand it. Be proud of yourself, first of all. Low self-esteem, still?!! I hope that your journey will takes you, one day, in a position to help other, professionally (although You are already trying to help). If that is not what is meant to be, no blame on you at all! My deep respect to You 🙂

  • Reply King Scorpion August 28, 2018 at 8:11 am

    ? Life was so much better when I was little.

  • Reply Rosie and Abbie January 15, 2019 at 11:07 am

    I don't know if this is allowed but if you enjoyed this video please check out ours – talking about more misconceptions including depression, anxiety, OCD and anorexia <3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGzUu_WrWKY

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