Articles, Blog

LONELINESS EPIDEMIC | The Real Reason You Feel Alone

January 25, 2020


What’s up guys, this is Wenzes. Welcome back to my channel where we
talk about creating an Epic life on your terms. And today we’re talking about a
topic that’s a little bit more difficult, but I see how many people struggle
from this and this is the feeling of loneliness. It really is an epidemic and I always
find it very hard for people to talk about it, who’ve never been there, who’ve never experienced this feeling
of being completely alone in the world, but I have been there.
I know how it feels. I know how hard it can be and for me it
really had to get even worse before it could get better. But I’m here to tell you
it’s not something that you
have to feel for the rest of your life. You can absolutely
change the way you approach life, the way you approach people, and it’s not that you have to be
friends with the people around you. If right now you cannot
make a connection with them, it really takes something else. Before
we get started, I want to remind you, if you want to know more about the
concept of creating an Epic life on your terms and check out the
Epic life masterclass, you can also watch the free webinar on
it or download the poster with the five pillars to an Epic life. And if
you want to work with me privately, then also check out all the
information on one on one coaching. You find the links below. So first off, I want to tell you a little bit
about my experience with loneliness. The worst part I think was when I was
25 I really gotten to a point where everything looked great on paper.
Everything looked great on the outside, but I personally felt
really, really alone. And sometimes it seems like this is
even a different path than most people because most of the time
you have something you can
make responsible for this, Oh, I’m not with the cool click, or I’m
just not in this kind of environment, I’m not cool, or I’m not like
that. Interesting to other people. Whatever it is that it might seem
like an excuse why we’re disconnected. But there I was thinking I was just
presenting the best I could be. I was so good at being a chameleon and
giving the people everything that they wanted. So I thought at least not understanding
that what I was doing is neglecting who I really was. None of the
connections I was making, I was making through my authentic self. And every time somebody came into
my life that I felt like, Oh, now I can bypass all those rules I
have set for myself because that person really needs me. So I already was
some kind of codependent relationship. Every time I got in situations
and relationships like this, I felt now I can show my authentic self
because this person is really gonna need me because who else is gonna
give them exactly what they want? Who else is going to understand
them as much as I can? And because I felt that there’s
this dependency I dare to open up, but this of course was out of scarcity. I didn’t open up because I
felt abundant and full of love. And just wanting to give. I did that because I always wanted
something back from the other person. That’s a typical codependent relationship
and I was willing to sacrifice so much to keep that because this was my only way
out and most of the time we’re willing to do whatever it takes just to
keep that person in our life, just to keep that connection alive.
Although it might cost us our sanity, our financial wellbeing, whatever
it is. But how do you get out of it? How did I get out of it? Well, for me it really was that I
sacrificed absolutely everything. I really got to a point where
I couldn’t even speak up. It really felt like me speaking up that’s
already bothering the other person and this is an extreme case of
everything we go through. When we feel lonely, we feel lonely
because we neglect who we are. We only connect through what the other
person wants to see in us and we, we don’t matter. And the worst part about it is it’s
not that we don’t matter to the other person, it’s that we
don’t matter to ourselves. It really had to kick me to the curb. I really had to lay flat on my
face metaphorically speaking. Before I knew I had to change something
and then I understood I did that because I didn’t feel like I was enough. Marisa Peer’s always says we all have
the problem of not feeling enough, and I believe that’s one of the main
reasons why we’re so disconnected. It does not matter if you’re like having
connections through the internet or if you haven’t relationships in real
life, people so often say, oh, the internet is just causing us to
disconnect, it’s all superficial, but that’s not the case. The internet
just amplifies our own tendencies. It amplifies our dynamics and our life
and if you want to feel connected, if you don’t want to feel lonely, it’s really about understanding that
you don’t have to change in order to be friends with or have connections with the
closest people in your life right now. If this is the closest relationship
you can actually get right now, then you’re not gonna get
better relationships that way. It’s not that you’re going to change
something about yourself and then all the relationships in your life that
you already have will just improve. It’s different than that. You will actually show up completely
new in a way where you will make new connections with new people, people that
you haven’t had in your life so far, and that doesn’t mean that you won’t
improve the relationships you currently have in your life, but some of them will completely
diminish and some of them will get really great, but they will all be
completely new relationships. Even relationships you’ve had with
your parents, with your siblings, with your best friends. It will seem like you have a relationship
with a completely different person because you’ll gonna to show
up as a different person. See, the goal in all of this is to
be one person all the time. Yes, there are relationships where we bring
out certain aspects of ourselves out more than others, but there’s still this core that
most of the time we don’t live out, we don’t show it. We hide it and we hide it
because we feel it’s unlovable. We have been taught from no matter what
kind of circumstance we’ve been in our life, it could be really
close people in our life, but it could also be just
situations we’ve witnessed. We take certain things on that
tell us that we are not enough, that there is something
wrong with us. For me, it always felt like me standing
up and fighting for myself. Me being the center of my life, the VIP
or the leading character of my movie, me doing this, this will cause for everybody to abandon
me and I was definitely convinced of that. This was so deeply ingrained in me that
I didn’t understand that this was even a possibility. I didn’t know that this
is a way you could go through life. I saw that other people were doing it, but for me it seemed like the most
unnatural thing I could imagine, but I knew if I would do that, then people
around me with see my real strength, they would see my gift, they
would see everything that I am, but for me that strength and that gift
didn’t seem like something I would want. It seemed like a burden. It seemed like something people will
have been in me for and you know that’s exactly what happened. It’s not like you’re gonna stand up one
day and you’re going to be your complete self and everything’s going to be perfect
and the people around you will just see you for who you are and then
everything is great. No, as I said, it probably has to get a little worse
before it gets better because the thing is this, you have this image of yourself of what
you could be and you need to choose that image. This has to be yours. This has to be the thing that
you like most about life. If you don’t put yourself first, if you don’t see yourself
as a gift to the world, you’ll always have a problem of showing
up and connecting with people on a authentic level. You have to
be okay with not being perfect. You have to be okay with not being the
ideal image that you would want yourself to be because no matter what, when
you first start living that out, like your inner truth, you’re not going to be the ideal
image that you thought about. There’s no way how, you just starting to create a new real
persona for yourself that mirrors back what your soul really craves for
and building that up will take time. It will take time until it is refined. It will take time until it is something
that you’re not embarrassed about on some kind of level because for me, when I was really pushed to the corner
and I knew no matter what I’m going to do, that person will
never ever respect me. That person will never ever tolerate me
because back then this is what I wanted and most people who feel alone, they
just want people to tolerate them. They feel okay with just wanting
that. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m a bad person,
but please just tolerate me. I’m trying to do everything
to make it easy for you, and that’s the exactly wrong way because
what you do in this moment is you attract people who are so judgmental
towards themselves that they’re also going to be that judgmental towards you
because you don’t accept yourself. If you felt it’s completely okay for
you to bring up that part of you, you would never feel like it could be
a possibility of you to hide that part. But we do that because we’re so scared
of that because we’re so embarrassed about it. What are people going
to think about that part of me? What are people gonna say? It’s not
refined. It’s not. It makes mistakes. Yes, it definitely does. And so I remember when I really got to
that point and I knew I cannot get out of it any other way. I have to show up and start fighting for
myself because otherwise I don’t know what’s going to happen. Like I was
really close to a reality break. I think I even had one, but
I, I couldn’t do it anymore. And what I did was I showed up as that
part of me and from one day to the other, I was not cool anymore from one day
to the other. I was not refined. I was doing so many mistakes. I was showing up and being imperfect
way more that I felt I had ever done or shown up as because for the first time
I’m showing that authentic part of me and there’s no way it can be perfect.
Before that, I could just hide it. And when you hide something
and you’re just an observer, it’s really easy to feel like you’re not
going to get judged because how could you? You’re not showing anything
that people could dislike. You’re making it as easy as possible
for other people to like you, but you know even then, you’re not gonna be able to stop
people from this liking you, from people to getting mad at
you, just for you being yourself, even if it was just for a moment. Because
most of the time this is what happens. You meet somebody and you
try to accommodate them
and then one time you bring out this essence of yours and the other
one gets really mad. They don’t like it. They start judging you. They start
bullying you, and what do most of us do? We go back into our shell. We go back into our shell because we
feel this is the safest place for us and probably it was for a long
time. See, when we’re children, we don’t know how to act
differently. Back then, it probably was the best thing
for us to go back into our shell. This was probably the safest place
for us to be, but now as adults, we keep replaying that
program over and over again, wondering why we feel so disconnected, why we feel we’re the
only person in the world, why there’s nobody who
understands us. When in the end, nobody can understand you because you’re
not showing up as your authentic self and it’s not gonna be, as I said, that you wake up one day and then you’re
like completely your authentic self from one day to the other. You can
lean into it. I’m leaning into it. I don’t feel like there’s ever going to
be a moment where I’m completely always authentically me. There’s no
limiting belief holding me back. There’s not something I do for
recognition or some kind of ego thing. I don’t think that that’s possible, but I see how I get more and
more authentic with myself. I see how I let go of my ego more and
more and I’m willing to make mistakes and the progress I’m willing to show up
and maybe hurt somebody on accident and forgive myself. But you have to
do the same thing. And as I said, once you start doing this, once you
say the things you’re afraid to say, because people are gonna think you’re
weird, they’re gonna think you’re crazy. They ask you, who do you think
you are? Whatever your fierce are. Once you show up like this, you will see how all the dynamics in your
world will change because that moment is the moment you say everybody that
I’ll need from now on or everybody that I get to know again, somebody who used to
be in my life or has been in my life, they have to accept me with that part
of me with that part that I’m hiding. It’s not that we have to
connect through that part, that that part has to be the most
important thing in our relationship, but they have to know that I exist only
with that part and that is the part we have to live out. And as I said,
the first moment I did that, the first days it was the loneliest
I could have ever imagined. I didn’t think that I was ever going to
feel better because my mind has taught me that this is the thing you have to
keep hidden the most and once you start living this out, everybody will
abandon you. Everybody will say, Oh, like that’s not a person I want to hang
out with or she’s completely selfish. She just thinks about herself. All the
stories that I’ve been telling myself, and on top of everything, you will see that the people around
you will probably react in this kind of fashion because you have chosen the people
in your life who mirror back to you, would you believe? And if you believe
it’s right to hide that part of you, it’s right to keep that hidden and
that it’s wrong to live that out. You’ve got to surround yourself with
people who also believe the same thing. So of course, once you start living this
out, you’ll see turmoil in your life. You’ll see how all those dynamics change. You’ll see how a lot of people
just walk away from you, but you’ll also see how you will stop
having so many of the relationships you felt like you had to have that this was
like the little bit of connection you could have because now you’re
giving that to yourself. You don’t need that from
that person anymore. And so this relationship just doesn’t
matter anymore to you because you’re giving that to yourself. I always like using the metaphor of
turning a glove around all the time you’ve been creating relationships
through a vacuum in your life. You’ve depleted yourself and
then tried to connect to others. And of course it will feel empty
because there’s nothing authentic. You can connect with your authenticity. You hide because you’re so afraid of
a judgment. And I know how it feels. I know how scary it is, but I can guarantee you you’re
strong enough to take it. It’s not gonna kill you if you start
living that out and you can start small, you don’t have to go zero to a
hundred in like one day. For me, it starts with simple things like
just posting songs on Facebook. See, this was back I think 2014
so you know another time, but back then, like even that seemed
so scary because then I thought, okay, so everybody around me is going to know
that this is the kind of music I listen to this either kinds of thoughts I had
because I saw them represented in the lyrics. I saw them
represented in the mood. I was so afraid of people seeing my
anger. But once I did, I understood, okay, I still exist. Like nothing
really happened. I’m still here. And now when I connect with people, I hide one part less of me
and having that and saying, I’m standing and I’m choosing me and
everybody who wants to connect with me has to accept that part of me. And if they
don’t, then I’m willing to stand alone. And that is the scariest
part to understand that this
will only happen if you’re willing to stand alone. See, there’s
this concept of dependency, independence, and then interdependence. This is actually the right concept to
explain how to get from feeling lonely, to feeling connected. When
we’re here, we’re dependent. We only make connections
based on codependency. We make connections because we feel,
Oh, that other person needs me, I need them and I’m hiding parts of me.
But that’s okay. And if I share that, it’s because that person needs me
so much that I can dare to do that. But it always comes from
a place of dependency. And in order to get to interdependent
you have to go through the independent part and that independent part is you
standing up by yourself for yourself even if you have to stand alone. And a lot
of people say, but I’m standing alone, I’m really here and I don’t get anywhere. Like I really hide from the world
because nobody understands me and so I’m supposed to stay in that state. I’m here to tell you when
you’re in that position, you’re not at that independent state. Just still at the dependent state cause
you always still feel I can only have connections if I show up as somebody
else and since I don’t want that, I rather self isolate. I know
how you feel. I’ve been there. But when it comes to independence, it’s about standing up and being
willing for people to reject you. Not going towards that though. Not being there and saying I’m going to
be here and I’m just waiting for people to dismiss me. I’m just waiting for people to not like
me but to actually connect with people who are looking for exactly that. For people who want to see that authentic
self of yours and to be open to that because up until this point, you
have not accepted those people. You didn’t want those people because those
people actually believe that you’re a good person. Those people
actually like the way you are. But if you don’t like yourself,
you’re not gonna like them either. And you’re not gonna
like them for liking you. So start liking people
who really like you. When you show up as your most
authentic self, lean into that. And there’s so many ways you can do this. You can show up in organizations
within your city, online. There’s so many people
fighting for a better world, fighting for connection and authenticity.
And you can be part of that. And there are so many people who accept
you for all the quirks that you have, and they don’t just tolerate it.
They appreciate it, they love it, but they can only love it if you start
loving yourself and you start showing up as somebody who’s proud of being yourself. And you’ll see once
you start this process, you’ll be okay with standing on your own. This independent part of you that
is something that nobody can touch, that is the part of you, the deepest core that you will
never allow anybody to come into. That is the part that you
only give to yourself. So when we use the metaphor of creating
that vacuum in the beginning and then connecting with people through that, and we always feel like
there’s no real connection, what are we going to do now is
actually fill 30% of that vacuum, let’s say with our own energy. And
that energy cannot be taken away. That energy is not allowed
for anybody to judge. So there are things about me that
I believe so deeply about me, that if anybody came into my world and
didn’t believe that they wouldn’t even be able to have a conversation with me. That is something that is so
engraved in me. So I, for example, never had any physical
abuse, neither in my family, not in people I’ve seen. Like it’s just
not part of my life. It never has been. So it has never been a
story I’ve ever told myself. So there’s no way somebody like
that could come into my life. And I’m not saying that out of some
kind of superiority because trust me, I’ve had some other
mental abuse situations, situations where allow
people to treat me horribly. So I’m not even comparing that. I’m
just saying I didn’t have that story. And so since I never had that story,
I don’t allow this in my life. I don’t even think about,
it just doesn’t happen. I don’t have any kind of like
violence like this in my life. But if for some reason I was
born into a situation like this, if for some reason I’ve witnessed that, then I will not know that this is a
story I’m not supposed to tell myself. And so of course I allow this kind of
energy to get into that deepest part of me because this is what I know.
This is what I’m used to. But when you create this part
of you that is not shakable, you create something that you chose, something that is so important and is so
you that you will never neglect it for anybody. You are choosing your authentic self
and you can adapt that with time, but you have to make a decision. You
have to say, this is the way I show up. I show up as somebody who fights for me, who believes that I’m a good person
who trusts that I’ll do my best to contribute to whatever I create
in life, and once you do that, you’re going to be so much
better at accepting yourself. You’re gonna feel so much better as
showing up as your true self and then you automatically are gonna be able
to then create interdependence, which is above those, let’s
say 30% of your whole energy. When you go above that, you
are able to make compromises. You’re able to show up for others. You’re able to actually connect with
others by understanding where they’re coming from, but never at the expense of that 30%
that will always be that independent part of yours that you will never
adept for anybody but yourself. So what can you do now? So
you understand the concept. Now you’re in this position.
How do you actually show up? Do something that scares you,
show up in any kind of capacity. It can really be small. It’s about those
small steps that you continuously do. We show up more in a way which scares you, which is so authentically you that
you’re scared to be judged for it because it’s so deeply engraved in who you
are. And if somebody dislikes that, then it just mirrors back to you
that you’re really not likable. But if you make it step by step
and you know, I’m going to do this, I’m going to show up like this, and
everybody who doesn’t accept me for it, they don’t deserve my acceptance. This is something that is part
of me and I’m part of creation. I’m part of this world and I deserve to
be respected for who I am and this is how you show up and once
you choose yourself, once you’re in this position
and you say, this is who I am, I’m not going to budge for anybody,
you’ll see how the right people see you, the people who will want to be inspired
by you and they probably won’t be the people that you were hoping for all
the time so far it will be new people. It will be new dynamics and you really
start living in a way you couldn’t even imagine. We’re made for connection, but it can only happen if you dare to
show who you really are and you know that this is not up for the bait of
other people like you or not. Remember what other people think
of you is none of your business. I really hope that helped you. If you want to know more about creating
an Epic life when your terms remembered, check out the webinar, the masterclass, or just download the free poster and if
you want to work with me privately and tackle the things that are going on in
your life and create an Epic life on your terms, then also check out all my
information on one on one coaching. Guys, if you want to watch another video now, then watch my video on the four times I
should have listened to my gut instinct earlier because believing that I’m not
alone was actually a gut instinct that I listened to. Like always, guys, I wish
you a wonderful day, a great week, and I talked to you next time. Bye.

12 Comments

  • Reply Wenzes January 9, 2020 at 4:48 pm

    What is a hardship you have overcome when it comes to loneliness? Share and inspire others!!! We are all here to connect <3

  • Reply Giovanny De Jesus January 12, 2020 at 8:48 pm

    Best shrink ever!

  • Reply Christina Robin - Formerly INFJ California January 12, 2020 at 10:21 pm

    This is great. Thank you.

  • Reply Cherrytriix January 12, 2020 at 11:50 pm

    Thank you for your content! I was so happy when I came across your channel. I am a INFJ-T <3

  • Reply Sophie Gilbert January 13, 2020 at 12:01 am

    As I have been expressing myself more, I do get more pushback from people. It is something I am learning to get used to.

  • Reply Ahimsa42 January 13, 2020 at 12:38 am

    extremely attractive people such as Wenzes could never begin to relate to this but some of us are depressed & lonely due to being far too physically unattractive to be able to experience intimate relationships so are destined to be single, alone & unwanted . there is only so much failure & rejection that one can take before they come to understand that due to factors entirely beyond our control we are simply not good enough.

  • Reply Linda Teuling January 13, 2020 at 3:51 am

    You always project a lot of warmth and love in your videos, but you outdid yourself on this one. I felt like you were right there, standing beside each one of us as you shared this.

    I finished watching this one with a lot of fresh ideas and identification with what you were talking about. When you said we feel lonely when we neglect what we are and only connect with what we think the other person wants to see in us, I felt like I was looking in a mirror. And the mirror came into more focused when you mention that that it isn't necessarily because "we don't matter to the other person," but because "we don't matter to ourselves."

    Near the end of the video you said we need to create something that we choose. At this stage of my life I am doing exactly that. And while I was already comfortable with my choices, it was great to listen to you say things confirming my decisions.

  • Reply BassFartz January 13, 2020 at 4:56 am

    YOUR VIDEOS THAT I FOUND HELPED ME WITH MY DEPRESSIVE BREAKDOWN EPISODE (or at least got me to stop crying and wanting 🚶‍♀️🚌💥)

    THANKYOU SOSOSO MUUUCH!! MUCH MORE PEOPLE NEEeEEeEED TO WATCH YOU WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE BUTT

  • Reply HenWii / January 13, 2020 at 8:33 pm

    Perfect timing, my therapist even told me today that I need to look outfor myself and express myself more. Thank you Wenzes! =)

  • Reply Paula Gonzalez January 14, 2020 at 1:52 am

    This is exactly where I am right now. It's amazing how you described my exact feelings. I am changing. I'm discovering who I am and trying to show up as that. Everytime people reject my reality, I feel panic. Sheer panic. It's so tempting to give up and be the "nice" girl again. But this video was reassuring. Thank you Wenzes for sharing this. ❤️

  • Reply Level Drone RC January 14, 2020 at 9:53 pm

    🎈🎈Start with your rules and compromise from there, or not.

  • Reply ClearSpeed January 18, 2020 at 5:38 pm

    I’m so lonely that I actually start creating and acting like people that I’d actually like if I met them. Now I have more personalities than I was told that I actually have, and none of them treat me like shit or condescend to me even on a bad day. And my dating life is exciting because America as a country is going through an identity crisis.. 😌

  • Leave a Reply