Articles, Blog

I gained 50 lbs – weigh in and talking openly about mental illness

February 5, 2020


it’s saying I’m a guest because my
weight has increased so much that it doesn’t like recognize me anymore. 90 kilograms that’s really bad and I’ll show you on a dodgy old old one as
well I am in the 90 kilo zone again which is wow umm.. so that is pretty much the
highest weight I’ve ever been I have weighed in at 92 before but I
mean all it would take is a bit of a binge and I would be there again and
it’s genuine fat that I’ve gained it’s it’s genuine weight gain it’s not just
being some like oh I’ve been just for a week and went up so much because that
can happen for me it’s not water retention it’s genuine weight gain it’s
been creeping up and up and up quite slowly a part of the reason for that is
I have back injury at work and I was off work for a month and it is so surprising
how much strength and muscle you lose in that amount of time just sort of lying
around more I didn’t really well I’m thinking that’s what the problem is now
because now I’m just in so much muscular pain in like every single muscle like
everywhere I poke feels like a bruise every like my hip is really really
having a problem it sort of goes down into my butt and hip and through to the
front of my hip as well and then like my lower back and then I’m getting pain all
in my shoulders and like I just do one shift at work or just go for a walk and
the next day even like my triceps are killing me and it’s like I’m so weak and
now I’ve gone back into my normal life my body is just like freaking out I
think because I mean a lot of pain and it’s not all just coming from my back
like it’s like whole body muscular pain like I kept thinking ah am I getting the
flu or something because everything is just so sore but I think it’s that I
lost so much strength after the back injury and that sort of affected my
entire body fitness and muscle mass and everything
and yeah then of course because I couldn’t exercise for a while because of
the injury that contributes to weight gain and I would just sit around and eat
and I got really really really depressed being out of any kind of routine I
thought it would be really good for me to finally have a break but actually
having a lot of time to think and being out of my routine made me real I went
into a very very depressed state and then now that has morphed back into
having quite severe anxiety and panic attacks which I used to talk about that
all the time on YouTube but now you can’t really monetize videos where you
talk in depth about mental health issues so it’s not that I I mean I’m used to
this as my reality I’m not I don’t feel that I’m a lesser person or I think in
terms of like work and your professional reputation there’s a reason they’re not
to want to admit that you that you’ve ever struggled with depression and
anxiety but this has been my whole life I’ve had anxiety since I remember being
a toddler so it’s not it’s not an unusual thing for me to talk about but I
just don’t talk about it a whole lot on here because you’re not really allowed
to anymore it’s so censored but that’s what I’ve been really really really
struggling with is anxiety and panic attacks back in swing I’ve I’ve never
not had anxiety I’ve always had to be anxiety but I’ve gone through phases in
my life where it never went into that panic attack mode whereas yeah now
that’s back and it really really sucks and it’s restricting my life and it’s
making me feel like I can’t do anything and that I don’t have control over my
life and body and but rationally I know that even though it feels really really
bad I stood I still do you have control over many things and
I just I’m just at the point now where yes every day is a struggle with anxiety
but you know it might not ever get any better and so I keep waiting for this
one magical day where I find something that suddenly makes me better like a
great psychologist or a certain diet or something meditations you know changing
my thinking so many different things that I have tried elimination diets and
quitting all the bad stuff in my life and things like that and I get a little
bit hopeful that maybe this time it’s going to be something that cures me of
anxiety and I can live like a normal person but unfortunately that has never
come along and it may never and to imagine to imagine living with this much
anxiety for the rest of my life is not a nice thought and it’s demotivational and
it really gets in the way of me achieving things that I want to I have
achieved a lot in life despite having lifelong severe anxiety I will never
give up the fight of trying to find something that helps because you have to
like you nobody can get used to you never get used to it that’s the hard
part is that because the neurotransmitters are so strong you
never well I personally never adapt her anger
to the point where I’m like okay this doesn’t really bother me anymore it’s
like it’s new every time and that’s the hardest part it remains as scary as it
ever was it doesn’t desensitize and that’s the
hard part of these issues so I decided you know
what I have a weight loss Hannibal and I really really don’t want to be this way
I don’t want to be 90 kilos none of my clothes fit I’ve got a lot of muscular
issues now and joint issues and pain and I don’t want all this weight on my body
restricting me from exercise because I know that exercise is really good for my
mental health and I’m really struggling to exercise with all the pain and
stiffness and limited range of motion and everything that’s happening for me
now since I had injury so it would be very very easy to just say well it’s all
too hard and I’ve been through too much in my life which I have I’ve had a lot
of very serious trauma and at this stage I’m just reading self-help books and I’m
doing YouTube guided meditation and I am also doing curable so I downloaded the
curable app and I paid for a one-year subscription I think so I I was
expecting curable to just be a bit of guided meditation and things like that
but it’s actually kind of hardcore it does expect you to drag up a lot of your
past trauma and I don’t feel like it gives a whole lot of warning about that
I decided that I may never get better this may always be my struggle and I
really really hope not like I hope and pray to God that that’s not the case but
my life is a lot better now my relationship is wonderful my partner is
wonderful so thankful for him and my job is really
good now I mean it has its issues but so does every job it’s just like such a
better job than where I was before you know we’ve moved in and everything sort
of settled and everything so my life is better so but but I still am not better
in terms of the anxiety I was for a while but then I think when everything
settled it sort of came back out I just thought okay this may not get any better
this may not get any easier and there may not be any magical thing that ever
comes along that makes it easy for me to give up my addictions and lose weight
and get a more physically fit body and I think physical fitness is you know your
mental health and your physical state are one entity you can’t separate them
both you know if a healthy function of your brain you need healthy function of
the rest of your body and vice versa so I really really really want to get fit I
want to get all this baggage off me and it’s not cause oh I want to look better
and I am so ashamed of how fat I am and like it’s it’s not that at all I just
don’t want like this fat is like metaphoric like this fat is like my pain
and anxiety like hanging off my body you know I feel like if I can I do have
control over what I put in my body it’s very hard when you have anxiety and all
your neurotransmitters and everything is out of whack and but high cortisol and
high adrenaline and all these problems and dysregulated leptin and ghrelin and
insulin that’s driving you to eat carbs and eat fast and eat junk it’s really
really hard it’s it yeah my signals all over the place my
signals are like you know ate a bucket of mac and cheese and and like five pot
noodles or something you know five ramen that’s what my body is demanding that I
ate so it’s really hard to resist but in terms of you know being a naturopath and
a nutritionist I know what I need to eat for my mental and physical health and I
have been doing that on and off like one day only you know a porridge for
breakfast with banana not sand and almond milk and then and like a couple
of boiled eggs and then for lunch I’ll have like a chicken or tuna wrap with
lots of veggies dinner and then for dinner I’ll have like pan-fried salmon
with you know like a huge grape salad and some couscous on the side or
something like that and then other days it’s like oh I’m eating like a chicken
burger for breakfast like it’s very inconsistent um but yeah I I’m just I’ve
just decided that it may never get better and I’m making a conscious
decision to accept that for the time being still still working on myself
still still working on trying to improve the way I think and reducing anxiety and
reducing stress but also just kind of accepting you’re just gonna have to get
fit and healthy and it might feel like total crap but you just have to do it so
I’ve got these cards because I said I would buy I wrote I will lose ten
kilograms by the end of 2019 so it’s me it’s the end of May now and I also wrote
another one that I will lose 20 kilograms by the end of 2020 so I’m not
I’m not like going all right that’s it I’m gonna lose 20 kilos in
six months and go on water fast and do all this crazy crap no no because my
mental health and general health is a huge priority for me right now I want to
be healthy I want to be happy I want to feel stable okay content grateful
thankful like I want that so badly so I’m working on that and another way of
course I need to work on that is through nutrition so if I’ve only got 1,300
calories to work with you know you can’t be filling that up with booze with
refined carbs and all of this junk that I turn to when I feel absolutely at the
end of my rope it can’t be you know using your calories for those things on
a really regular basis because then your nutrition is going to really really
suffer and I I true scared to let it suffer that bad because like I’ve lost a
lot of weight before and lost like half of my hair had been really really unwell
because I was only adding one meal a day and I was using the rest of my calories
for alcohol and total crap so I am not doing that again flat out not like I’m
not perfect I’m not gonna eat perfect every day but I just mean like with 80%
of my nutrition it has to be nutritious like it has to be right because I’m not
willing to hurt myself and give myself nutritional deficiencies and not give my
body what it needs because I am I’m will never choose to be unhealthy or unhappy
and so with less calories to work with that will be you know my biggest
priority is getting the proper nutrition in lots of protein because
neurotransmitters are amino acids they’re not just kind of made up of them
they’re actually converted amino acids there that make up a huge portion of a
neurotransmitter you know zinc is very
very important for me because zinc is a cofactor in so many reactions and I also
have skin issues and you know it’s great for immunity but zinc is so important
for your mental health B vitamins magnesium iron oh you know I’m gonna be
taking supplements and you know taking care of my nutrition in that way as well
this big long and half an hour I don’t know if I’ll ever upload this I’ll use
this for anything but I just wanted to explain that I just want to be totally
honest and say like my life has been hard because of my brain
I don’t blame it on well past trauma has a huge impact but like I don’t feel that
my life is bad or that anything’s wrong with my life
it’s from within that I’m dealing with and trying to work on I don’t blame any
person still in my life I’ve got a lot of supportive people well to me it’s a
lot I mean I’ve got like a couple of really really supportive people in my
life and my life is I’m very thankful for a lot of things of a good job I have
an amazing partner and I have a good family and just trying trying to work on
changing my brain but at the same time realizing I’ve got stuff to do which is
getting this body in shape and I can’t be waiting around for a magic cure or
some person to come along and fix it for me I’ve just got to do it and I’ve just
got to treat it like every other thing every other I’ve pushed myself through
ginormous things degrees jobs I absolutely hated and made me vomit
before I had to go in like to every shift like I’ve pushed myself through so
many things I can push myself through getting fit because trying to get fit
does not feel as bad as some stuff that I’ve had to push myself through so I
just need to keep reminding myself so if anybody else is struggling with
anxiety depression panic attacks binge eating any kind of eating disorder any
kind of addiction like you’re not alone a lot of people struggle with this and
we’re not all just lazy people who refuse to help ourselves or anything
like that a lot of us are trying really really hard and if you’re one of the
people like me who’s getting up and making their bed and having a shower and
going to work or exercising or making yourself a meal that’s good for you you
know doing anything that feels basically unnatural when you just feel like
crafting you just want to throw it all in and go I love whatever if you’re
still one of the ones pushing through doing things that are good for you and
and fighting the fight like I’m with you and I understand it’s really really
really really hard

16 Comments

  • Reply MsGechi77 June 11, 2019 at 2:19 pm

    Sorry you're feeling blue.🌸 Dairy has a lot of hormones made for baby cows. Have you considered going dairy-free? It improves mood, gut health and cravings. I know I've mentioned it before. I just don't like to see you struggle everyday.

  • Reply jacpppp June 11, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    I'm so so sorry :(.

  • Reply 86peaches June 11, 2019 at 5:32 pm

    Sending you best wishes. I am going through very similar things, and it feels crippling. Accepting things the way they are really helps.

  • Reply Victoria Worsley June 11, 2019 at 10:49 pm

    Does your mental health ever impact your relationship? Do you and your partner ever want children? I hope you are okay <3

  • Reply mitchrc3 June 11, 2019 at 11:13 pm

    I know you are sad but weight looks so good on you. : )

  • Reply sun flower June 12, 2019 at 3:33 am

    Sweetie I just gotta say you're absolutely gorgeous!

  • Reply Alexis Kraus June 12, 2019 at 4:18 am

    I'm binge eating as I'm watching this video, so I feel ya!

  • Reply Elizabeth Rose June 12, 2019 at 5:38 am

    Hi. I'm an ex bulimic of 10+ years who's recovered from purging but left with binge eating disorder. I recently got a hold of my disorder long enough to lose 45lbs in 5 months and gained 15lbs back of pure fat in 1month which is where I'm at. I've literally been eating 10,000+ calories a day and cant stop. I was searching for someone similar so I didnt feel alone. I'm sorry the reason for your weight gain was out of your control and you had that back injury. I'm a new subby now and have faith in you. If you can do it. I can do it. Okay I'm going to go watch all your videos now lol

  • Reply Kimmys Kitchen and Garden June 12, 2019 at 9:47 am

    You explained anxiety really well, I know I will never be "normal" I can mostly hide it well in public but sometimes I just can't even more so recently, just going to the shop and back 5 minutes away. I'm the same I think I have everything, everything is good, why am I not ok now. I keep thinking about doing weight loss and heathy living on my YouTube for motivation but I don't think I have the confidence. :/ I just love your honesty on your videos and them cards are a great idea I will do that too.

  • Reply Gailene Guadarrama June 14, 2019 at 4:33 am

    The last time I watched your videos you were very thin. You had mentioned that most people were watching you because of the lose weight videos. I was…you were doing so well as I was following you and I wasn't doing well. I couldn't take off the weight so I gave up…but never stopped subscribing to you. Now I see you in this predicament and see myself in you. I am able to identify with just about everything you said in this video. Keep your chin up…we all can do this together.

  • Reply openfire June 14, 2019 at 9:07 am

    I’m pulling for you. I’ve had anxiety and agoraphobia, it’s so so hard but i believe you’ll feel better again. I know sometimes there’s nothing you can do, but you just keep chipping away at it and you’ll feel better over time. For me what helped is therapy, yoga, running. Sending love and bravery

  • Reply starvla246 July 2, 2019 at 7:21 am

    Don't beat yourself up, you're beautiful and worthy no matter what you weigh.

  • Reply Mixy Tampa August 18, 2019 at 5:24 am

    you should model you have amazing face features and your so pretty I think working out will help like yoga Anxiety is horrible I have it too with depression. ITs like your mind thinks for you its like your like bro chill

  • Reply EyeCU 205 September 1, 2019 at 4:10 am

    You have parasites which are the cause of mental illness. Me particularly, I have alot of parasites but I also have an open third eye. I am extremely depressed and stressed out with whats going to happen to this planet by 2030. Therefore I eat to calm my grief at times. My weight fluctuates as a result of intense psychic abilities and knowing things that I wish I didnt. I am also alone constantly. Cant wait to leave this shithole planet.

  • Reply David duFresne September 26, 2019 at 7:29 pm

    When you gain that amount of weight, your body is in an anabolic state and you almost definitely added muscle at worst when you gain you are gaining 2/3 fat and 1/3 muscle, unless you are bed ridden. The muscle might only be in your legs and you could lose in your arms though if you became much less active.

  • Reply Jonathan Dunn January 5, 2020 at 12:11 pm

    Pulling for you. I know what it’s like: https://youtu.be/catnYi6ndEY

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