yay it’s time for another depressed rambling boring vlog that no one’s gonna watch but I don’t care! all right so this is a topic that I’ve been thinking about for quite a while, quite a few months now I’ve been kind of debating on and off on whether or not I even wanted to do this and whatnot and what I would say but I’m getting the urge to do this again so I figured I should talk about it right? okay so Facebook and chronic illness I so badly want to just post on my facebook and be like” hey guess what, friends and family, I’m sick!” but the thing is like…a lot of people already know and those who don’t are not big parts of my life or they don’t care. so….. a few years ago I had a friend that went through her own chronic illness kind of crap and I was talking about this with her like two years ago and she said you know what just like send messages to your close friends otherwise don’t do it because it will just look like you’re calling for attention. and honestly, I’ve seen other friends post their kind of chronic illness shit or like “oh you know I’ve been in the hospital” or like “oh memenemene” and yeah it does just come off as attention wanting but I don’t just…I don’t want the attention for it, I more of just want to let people know that this is why you see me active occasionally on Facebook but I won’t message you back. because honestly it’s too much work to talk to people anymore it’s too much work to message people to be like “hey we should get together and whatnot I havent seen you in years” it’s like “heeey… yeah…. um can’t make any promises I’m really sick so it’s hard to plan things…might not be able to like show up if we actually do plan a thing” and this is the kind of crap that I just want to like…post the status and be like I’m sick. if we don’t talk anymore don’t take it personally, I’m sick. if like we haven’t hung out in forever even though we keep talking about how we should, don’t take it personally because I’m sick and I’m sick and also hey world, guess what? I’m Sick!! and maybe a part of me does want like that attention but I don’t want that like pity kind of negative attention in fact actually no, I just want them to know. I don’t even know why I just want them to know because I don’t want the messaging like “hey, I saw your status and that you’re really sick like are you okay? is there anything I can help with?” you know it’s like now honestly if you want to help me leave me alone because it’s much energy to talk to people and I forget about those that are close to me or closer…er, I forget……..what was I going to say …oh, I forget who knows and who doesn’t and it’s really exhausting to go through and try and figure that out and start conversations and be like” hey how are you, haven’t talked to you in a while” and they’ll be like” hey” you know and it’s like “yeah by the way I’m kind of sick so that’s why we haven’t talked in a while” and they’re gonna be like “oh yeah it’s kind of wondering what was up, you kind of disappeared from Facebook for a while” or they’re gonna be “like we haven’t talked in years what the fuck is she messaging me about now just to say this? Attention whore!” but um yeah so I don’t know what to do. I’m just gonna kind of like…as people kind of message me throughout the years just kind of be like “oh hey yeah you know this is what’s going on in my life” because I don’t know any better way to do this that doesn’t look like I’m just calling for attention you know? so….