Articles, Blog

Dr. Mettler’s Guide to D.I.Y. Medicine

December 19, 2019

Hi, I’m Dr. Mettler. I’m a physician. Now I
didn’t go to one of them fancy medical schools to get one of them fancy degrees. Some doctors rely on their tuition. I rely on my intuition. Now, all you need to
practice medicine just like the pros is a good heart, access to pills, a sharp
knife, and a few tips from me – Dr. Mettler. Welcome! This is Dr. Mettler’s guide to
DIY medicine. Now today I’m gonna walk you through the three tenets of medicine.
Pills, tracheotomies and suppositories. That’s right! Goofballs, necks and butts! Now there are three main types of pills you should
know about. First up, cocaine. It helps you by taking your boring nights and turning
that fun dial to an 11! Main side effect though you may become too cool. Next up, viagra. These pills help you for
what we in the medical profession call, your boners. Main side effect – makes
sleeping face down difficult. Third we have gobstoppers. These pills help you with the lack of deliciousness in your life. The main side effect – they could be
to everlasting. Next up, tracheotomies! Now the word tracheotomy comes from two Latin words. Trachi, meaning throat and otomi, meaning stabby. Tracheotomies are important. If your head is a drug fueled 24-hour rave in an abandoned warehouse
your neck is the line outside. And it’s as easy as that.
There’s absolutely nothing else to learn. Just stab and wait for gratitude. Now, remember it’s important that your victim, I mean patient, needs a tracheotomy. If not, congratulations! You just stabbed a guy in the throat. You’re going to jail buster. Now this all brings me to our third and final tenet of Medicine and
here’s a hint it’s a type that goes up the butt. Suppository comes from two
fancy Latin words. Supposi, meaning “up” and tori, meaning “the butt” Now the best way to administer suppositories with this – an old-fashioned blow dart gun. This will get the pill of the butt in record time. *Fart* I’m sorry I uh, I fart when I get
nervous. That’s okay I fart when I get confident * Fart* Here comes the suppository! And don’t forget the water! And that my friends, is how you too can
become a doctor. Now don’t be shy practice on your friends and neighbors. and don’t leave your family pet out of all the fun too! Little guy might just get jealous. and remember to practice on your roommate while he’s asleep. Remember, the only way to have a medical practice after all is to practice. Because being a
doctor isn’t just about the lives you save it’s about the memories you make
along the way

1 Comment

  • Reply Christopher Flippo March 8, 2019 at 8:04 pm

    Funny! Whomever wrote this is is a GENIUS!

  • Leave a Reply