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Dating, Relationships and Mental Illness: When Do You Disclose You Have a Mental Health Condition?

February 2, 2020

you know depression anxiety as you said
it’s it’s rampant we all deal with it at some point in our lives some more
than others yeah and and we we all deserve you all
deserve happiness thanks so much for tuning into our
second act with Paige and Silke for your second act of life hey there’s
Silke hello Paige I’m glad to have you back again today I been doing busy with
some other interviews with some of our content experts and that’s actually what
I want to talk to you about today we just finished a really interesting one
on dating and dating TMI too much information you know how do you get past
that first date and not just spill your guts that turns you know people off
exaggerate so I thought that was an interesting topic we will link
yeah we’ll link to that what came out of that though is something a bit more
serious that I really want to get your input on and that is you know dating
when you have some some serious issues such as mental health issues mental
illness one in five people according to the stats will deal with a mental health
issue can we shed some light on that how to date with the you know with with a
mental illness and how do you disclose it and when Wow well that’s a huge big
umbrella so let me try and answer that in a very short amount of time so
there’s a difference between mental illness that’s something that’s been
diagnosed and having a mental health situation where you’re going through
depression where it’s situational you’re depressed anxiety whatever it is that
goes through so we’re kind of looking at two different things here so the first
thing is you know what happens if you’ve been you know diagnosed with a mental
health illness well first of all you and I both know we’re in a world where it’s
a stigma stigma stigma and I know I’ve been trying for decades to change that
stigma through the work that I do but it’s always there and it’s still going
to be there so I guess one of the questions is that you asked is gosh if
you’re dating after 50 when do you bring it up right like when do you share that
you have something you don’t share it on the first date you don’t share it in a
text message you don’t share it in an email because I’ve seen people do
that before thinking okay that will you know not be as intense not be as you
know big of a punch it’s been my experience with my clients that you know
you have to date a little bit spend some time with the person see how they are
kind of talk about topics that kind of go around the issue of mental health it
comes up all the time in politics it comes up all the time in the news it’s a
good way to kind of say hey did you see so-and-so talk about mental illness or
like I know I just saw a commercial for Brian Phelps talking about therapy and
how he has had to deal with his depression issues and I thought Bravo to
him that’s a really good thing to bring up in a conversation as a very casual
thing of hey did you see that commercial what do you think about that you’re
gonna get some feedback from the person you’re dating as to where they are with
depression anxiety different types of or bipolar different times of different
types of mental illness what their take is on it so I’ll pause for a second just
to get your input on that but it’s a really casual kind of way to kind of
talk about things as you’re feeling things out with your potential partner
well I I agree and we did say that in the other segment too that that kind of
level of seriousness you know is you have to develop some empathy first or
you know some fondness and you have to be in a relationship or or you know know
that you want to head that way before you put that on the table otherwise it
probably is too soon the I you know one thing I want to say is that you know
depression anxiety as you said it’s it’s it’s rampant we all deal with have it at
some point in our lives some more than others yeah and and we we
all deserve you all deserve happiness and and and and love and coupling up in
relationships are you know is one way to really get get past work through those
issues you know that are intensified when you’re alone I have some friends
I’d reference another guy that I was thinking about you know just a great guy
who just won’t date or he’s just you know it’s just never gonna go anywhere
because he suffered with depression and had a breakdown in his past even though
he’s wonderful now and I just think that is such an important topic for us to
talk about you know I don’t know exactly what answers we can give that that
are practical other than just that yes is something that you do need to talk
about but when is the best time how can you give some well that’s what I was
saying is that the first thing you need to do is kind of you’re trying to figure
out where they are with mental health issues and instead of just coming out
and saying you know I deal with depression how do you feel about that okay
great if you want to do that but this is a really hot topic so again I’m going to
say it again is give examples and talk about things that are going on in the
world that are going on in the news because that is a real clear way to find
out where this potential partner is do they have empathy do they know people
who struggled with different types of mental health
you know illness do they share something at that time you know you’re kind of
investigating where they are feeling out how you feel about things that’s really
a positive way to kind of go and talk about things that’s the first thing that
comes to my mind that I’ve had some of my clients do and they’ve had really
great success with it because they’ll come back and say wow this person had no
empathy at all and I knew right then and there this wasn’t gonna work or this
person had a lot of empathy and started to share about other people that they
know and then when you get into the conversation you can gently tip your toe
in it saying hey you know at this time in my life I’ve been through a lot of
things and I’ve had to struggle with bouts of depression bouts of anxiety and
it’s been you know really really challenging you don’t have to go and
dive right into I’ve been diagnosed I’ve been diagnosed this long this is how it
is you know sometimes it spills out that way but there’s so many different ways
that you can go about doing it to where you’re more comfortable about doing it
and feeling out where other person is as well because as much
as you’re feeling them out you don’t know what’s behind their curtain maybe
they’ve struggled with some mental health illness or depression or anxiety
and they’re feeling you out as well too because that’s what dating is about
feeling each other out not you know struggling with being vulnerable with
topics that are very very difficult yeah yeah well and and of course you want to
do it at a time where you know you’re not in a you know in an episode I think
you don’t want to be quote discovered or have somebody find your meds and then be
thrown into having that conversation I think that’s what happened to some you
know again some friends that that we talked about all of a sudden is and then
it becomes a deceptive thing or if you do if you don’t explain you know that
sometimes you suffer with anxiety you withdraw you know you’re treating your
partner your loved one in ways that they don’t understand that if you did have
that conversation you know that they can be supportive versus you know not
knowing what to do or being hurt by it does that make sense yeah but that’s a
little further in we’re talking about right you want to know when you’re when
to when to share what’s going on with you and as far as oh my gosh you have an
episode and they see it I have a very different take on that my take on this
is who you are and this is the piece of you and if you happen to be out with
this relatively new potential partner and something happens guess what it
happens and that’s okay because it gives you an opportunity to say this is who I
am this is what I’m struggling with um you know I was kind of waiting to share
more with you but it happened and you’re gonna know right then and there what
happens with the other person so I look at things differently oh my gosh it’s
got to be at a certain time certain this because life is not at a certain time in
a box you know let’s open the curtain it doesn’t always happen that way shit
happens and sometimes it comes out and you deal with it when you deal with it
so I’m more of the adage of there’s many different ways to come about it
and pick and choose different ways to come about it that feel comfortable for
you but if something gets triggered and you’re out with this person
embrace it know that there’s nothing wrong with you in a sense of you’re
broken you’re fractured you’re this cuz everybody deals with some form
everyone’s on the spectrum of mental health situational types of issues that
they deal with maybe yours is longer than others maybe you’ve been diagnosed
and you’re struggling with it more but that doesn’t mean that you’re broken it
doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you and and that’s a really good
time if something comes up but and the other person’s like oh my god I don’t
know if I can deal with it that’s okay because at least they’re being honest
and you know this is not somebody who’s gonna be able to deal with that that
does not mean that the next person doesn’t see you for the beauty that you
are and you might be surprised because I’ve had a lot of experience with
clients who say Paige I told them I had bipolar and then they opened up and told
me that they had an STD or they opened up and told me that they struggle with
depressive diagnosis you know depressive type of disorders so you never know with
someone’s holding as well well and we’re coming you know to the end this is such
a deep hot topic I mean I obviously emotional health mental health is
important to both of us I want to you know again just re-emphasize the stats
that you are not alone within this so you know let’s all work together to you
know de-stigmatize and you know have emotional health be a topic of
conversation that’s easily talked about not this difficult Paige what would you
like to say in closing I’m just I just come from a space of because I’ve
been in this field for so long and I’ve dealt with different ethnicities
cultures around the world everything it comes down to we are souls in a human
body and in this human form that we’re in there is no perfection and we’re all
struggling with things and sometimes you go through mental health type of
situational things when you have a trauma in your life sometimes you’ve
been diagnosed because of trauma that grew up with and it’s hard to you know
kind of decipher is it this or is it this bottom line is you’re okay with no
matter what you have going on in your life and you will find somebody who sees
the beauty of you and sees the beauty of your soul and not the label of what
you’ve been diagnosed with or are struggling with yes and we all deserve
happiness so Paige thank you so much we’ll see you
on our next segment of our second act with Paige and Silke for your second act
of life if you haven’t already done so please be sure to subscribe to our
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  • Reply Life tobelived January 30, 2020 at 2:14 pm

    Thanks. i really needed to hear this information and reassurance.

  • Reply Ritz Zaz January 30, 2020 at 2:15 pm

    Truth builds better bond and trust. Beautiful video. ๐Ÿ‘

  • Reply Woodlice worm January 30, 2020 at 3:33 pm

    The problem here is there are two types of mental or psychological illness one affects the person and others can feel empathy for that person, depression anxiety and social shyness or isolation etc even the more complex bi polar, Schizophrenia-s the multiple types of, and other Psychiatric conditions . The second type reaps havoc on other people and leaves the person who has the disorder smelling of roses personality disorders fit in here and remember when you look for the male borderlines they are all in jail the female ones are causing financial disaster and affect the mental health of other people even resulting in suicide of their victims.

    In my time in heavy industry the number of men in tough construction jobs and high risk technical jobs, that have anxiety or depression or even an inability to cope with the stress of life at stages is quite high but not what you think of when talking construction, I'm not sure about other nations but here we are starting a massive effort – Beyond blue – Are you Ok and Black dog are opening the boundaries in the male and general work zones. As i am / was a safety delegate and senior technician and I also have psych qualifications I have been an un-official councilor for many years on different sites, listening and referring people mostly men to the EAP i usually explain what psychologist will do and what happens and I certainly have lead more than a few towards help. The time is of age now where people with psychological conditions can admit that to potential dates, the general disorders are understood and there really is little stigma in admitting to those these days just choose the time early on to talk about it – if a date cant talk about it then you have made a bad choice. The more complex psych disorders do need disclose-r in full again at the two to four week mark.

    As for the cluster Bs these are red alert situations and your mental safety is in danger – avoiding these may just save your own mental health maybe your life and certainly your retirement. Detecting them is is critical take, a mom/mum or borrow one – they are good detectors of cluster B type although no women is ever good enough for a son, Mom /Mums can be useful – the other detector is time time they will revel them if you watch for it about ten weeks min . Do not feel sorry for them that is a fatal mistake as these people cannot be helped and you will be destroyed or damaged trying. As they think its everyone else that is a fault they will never admit it on a date so always apply risk assessment to women and men when dating esp early on they are in the same class as Psychopaths you don't want Dexter now — well do you !!!.

    Talking listening and being genuine is the best approach, I have had girl friends in the past tell be of significant events they had never spoken about in ten years to anyone such is the power of caring and listening and I still hear things from women friends who seem to have waited years to talk to someone , I myself suffered anxiety until 30 then it burned out for some reason weird that i worked in the middle of EHV and saw many deaths when young never had an issue in that environment, but in social or when alone suffered badly so anxiety makes little sense . So when do you disclose a mental health condition, I would say as soon as you feel comfortable in the third or forth week, if significant offer to go with your date to a doctor or councilor if they need to talk of course if only mild like a lil depression or situational anxiety maybe mention it but don't make a deal out of it. Fairness works both ways.Honesty and kindness always win in the end.

  • Reply Rod Depensider January 30, 2020 at 4:58 pm

    Please me tell right off the bat so I don't waste any more of my time. Mental illness is no joke! Way beyond my pay grade. Just like STIs.

  • Reply Andrew Ocean January 30, 2020 at 9:03 pm

    I once had a first date with a lady who showed up with booze, drugs and a letter from her psychiatrist diagnosing acute nymphomania.
    That was 40 years ago and we're still together.

  • Reply Blair Franklin January 31, 2020 at 1:47 am

    Thanks for talking about this subject.

  • Reply The Vaccine Machine January 31, 2020 at 4:50 am

    Great job discussing this important topic

  • Reply Suzanne LeBizarre January 31, 2020 at 5:30 am

    My first (deceased) wife was bi-polar…had no idea when I met and married her…that became obvious after a year…constant depression, college courses dropped, retaken, hospitalizations, psychiatrist visits, suicide attempts.
    I learned about mental illness, now have a degree in psyche(from College courses taken in an attempt to learn and help) Not even her psychiatrists could do much…her own mother who had been hospitalized often too, committed suicide by jumping from a window of her 5th floor apartment…did not find that out until after the first year of marriage. She passed away of cancer of the spine back in the late 1990s.
    Of course, the two kids had problems too dealing with what happened…they both used drugs in an attempt to cope…both clean now…married, kids of their own.

  • Reply Suzanne LeBizarre January 31, 2020 at 5:49 am

    Just wanted to add to the story below…I married again…the second (also deceased) wife had been a PRO Russian Ballerina, also danced in some of the Hollywood Musical Spectaculars, and had no mental health issues (thank whatever gods there are!). Physical problems, yes…but those were things which I still feel are better understood than mental issues…
    And yes, the name associated with these two comments is that of a male (who also is a CD/TV)…the second wife had no problems with that issue…as I am NOT into men…just feel I was born in the wrong body…(psychiatrist terminology – Gender Dysphoria).

  • Reply Materialworld4 January 31, 2020 at 12:00 pm

    Silke, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now actually I think happy birthday in this case is a little redundant. As a professional digital imaging specialist I think you got your just reward when you, and your significant other, found each other. Professional speaking mind you, he is so good looking he makes Jon Bon Jovi look like Pee-wee Herman. Now that's good looking, bravo on your birthday Silke. You do know you look stunning, exude charm, warmth, sincerity, and tie it all together with you intelligent wit. With that, I bid you adieu. Now keep up the excellent work.

  • Reply Mark Zaney January 31, 2020 at 7:49 pm

    Just like your other videos you don't answer the video title question. In this case, "When Do You Disclose You Have a Mental Health Condition?"
    All that was said is not the first date or through text.
    Some of us need clarification on minimum e.g., second date, third date, fourth date, when deciding to be exclusive, first kiss, first sex, when deciding to meet friends/family, etc….

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