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Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – #20

September 3, 2019


I love my fire, but it just won’t listen I need help That’s why in this time of crisis- I’m on my way! My name is Kevin Cosmo and I am the Fire Whisperer Do you have a flame that’s out of control? Then I am your guy This is Problem She’s letting Fire Walk all Over Her! She needs to assert her dominance! That’s Why I’m Here! Let’s take a look. *Knocks* Thank you for coming! Is that the fire right there? Do you let it on the couch normally? NO! Usually it’s only allowed here. OR Sometimes on the stove but I just can’t say no to it! That’s your problem! You’re being weak and letting the fire control you, and not the other way around DOWN! GET DOWN! OFF, OFF! I try yelling, and disciplining it, but nothing! Fire’s can be like cats, they hate water BACK! PSHHH! BAD! BAD BOY! PSHH! PSHH! BACK! GET DOWN! There you go, good fire – OW! No, no. You are spoiling it with kindling and oxygen! Don’t! You have to show it who is the alpha! Assert your dominance Liz. Don’t be afraid. NO! NO! BAD FIRE! Did you see what I did there? Ohhh! Uh huh- Okay now it’s protesting, it wants attention, but just ignore it. Turn your back to it. It’s starting to hurt. That’s just what it wants! Ignore it. Okay! Now turn around! Wow! Thank you Cosmo! Now I can finally take my life back. Happy to be of help! So what did we learn? That your fire won’t respect you until you respect yourself. Take control. And now let’s check in with Karin from our last episode for an update Yep, still dead. Okay, we’ll see you next week for another episode of the fire whisperer. Hey guys welcome to sweaty piggle’s can I get you something to drink or an order of cheesy pretzeled ham nibblers Ooh those sound good. Yeah, those sound great. Uh, do they have any gluten in them? They do. They’re pretzels. Ah shoot! I’m allergic to literally everything… Come on Yancy… you’re alive, but you’re not living. You got to get out of your bubble and try something new! Ah… You’re right *sighs* (Screams) I Won’t have what he’s having (laughs) Don’t go in there!! Oh, okay, thanks Hey Thanks for the heads up back there. Huh yeah, no problem. You, uh, want to go back to your place? (Gasp) Do I?! Yee-haw, it’s breakfast time! (Fast banjo music starts) Take that sauasge, put it on a fiddle. Play it real fast so it cooks like a griddle. No Oh, ahahahaha. But from your honeymoon, I presume? It was exquisite Bernard truly a perfect start to our perfect marriage This arrived for you master Henry Oh, that must be our marriage license Well, this isn’t a marriage license at all. It’s a restraining order? Oh, poo, I just grabbed a form and filled it out. I was in such a hurry it says here We can’t be within 25 yards of each other that simply won’t do But we can’t break the law if I may offer a suggestion sir Very good, sir. I shall lay this to your wife She has orgasmed, sir He was a good man and a virile, lover. Yes. Who are you again? Oh, you’re that- from that thing Oh, yes of course, that’s right Rargh, ughh! oh I just can’t seem to shake up this weight. I don’t know what to do Maybe you just need to incentivize yourself if you know what I mean oh I think I do And that’s how I lost all that weight! I don’t care! Boy that must be my girlfriend ♪ It’s not me, no-no, it’s you! (No it’s you!) ♪ ♪ And all the very stupid things you do! ♪ ♪ You’re out of luck! (Out of luck.) ♪ ♪ We’re breaking up! ♪ ♪ And I’ve already found somebody new! ♪ ♪ Please don’t call! ♪ ♪ No, don’t ever call! (Don’t call!) ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t wanna be your little baby doll! ♪ ♪ I know it stings, but here’s the thing! ♪ ♪ I really need a man with bigger balls! ♪ How much did this even cost? ♪ It was all free. ♪ ♪ Because she’s fucking me. ♪ Hey kid you’re pretty good on that thing you want a real gig *Wheeze* Hold it watch it easy easy Thank you so much for taking me to this awesome dump dad look at all that trash. It’s so cool I’m glad you like it son I’m glad you like it Cello camp oh man time to bust up on some nerds I’m afraid you won’t find any nerds here my good man. Oh That’s what a nerd would say nerd. Oh, yeah Well coulda nerd Do this? Oh, oh god. Somebody get me outta here. Ah, Oh (cries) All right round two Oh What seems to be your trajectory sir you better watch it, nerd Last week I stuffed the kid in his own cello I find that dubious the volumetric differences between a person and a cello would make that quite improbba- (cries) This mathematically unlikeleeeey Hi hey y’all you see anything Nothing yet, just keep your voice down. We’ve been out here every night for days, and I ain’t seen shit Me neither. I thought you said this beast was the real deal. God damn it He is real, and we’re gonna bag and tag old Bigfoot as soon as he shows his ugly head But my ass is sore from sitting in this damn tree all night for some imaginary beast. I’m telling y’all he’s not imaginary. He’s Y’all hear that Hear what? (rock music starts) Oh, there he is. Ohoh, get him. Oh God Can I get a ride home, please Sigh fire twice in the same day, how will old Harry ever find a job now? One today Harry the handsome butcher that’s me All right men listen up It’s been an entire afternoon and Harry the handsome butcher is still at large get out there and do your goddamn job Did you say job? Because I’m looking for one Hey is that Bill Gates Sir. It’s fatty bones Malone notorious drug lord, yeah He’s back on the streets, and he’s pedaling that sweet ass crystal meth is to children What do we do we need to infiltrate his organization? We need someone who can blend in disappear into the crowd someone without a face Gentlemen It brings me. No pleasure to say this But I’ve learned that one of you has been working as a police informant for the past six years And I believe I know exactly who it is Reggie. What no boss I didn’t No face my closest most trusted friend We’ve seen each other through many trials and tribulations who even came to my daughter’s wedding On account of the fact that you married her and yet I couldn’t help but notice that you did not join in on the execution Of Reggie sorry boss I wanted to it’s just that well I’ve been working as a police informant for the last six years. No face you two face wet Thank you for your outstanding service Harry the handsome heroes Just doing my job Now back to jail. Yeah. Yeah piece of shit dang fired again What do you say we make a clean getaway

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