There’s a rhythm and watch things taste For the lights don’t move and the colors don’t fade leaves you empty with nothing but dreams In a world gone shallow and a world gone mean (music stops) Good morning!
Looks like a wonderful day to come out to my mom! (music starts again) Sometimes there’s things a man cannot know The gears won’t turn and the leaves won’t grow I didn’t film this with the intention of putting it online I recorded the phone call with my mother because while there are thousands if not millions Of ‘coming out live to parent’ videos on YouTube, they’re almost always about sexuality or binary transgenders I’ve never seen someone come out as genderqueer or non-binary and explain that kind of physical transition or Identity to a parent if it went poorly I wanted to be able to go back and figure out What parts I fudged or relayed to my mom unclearly. You see explaining ‘in the middle’ genders or ‘out of the box’ genders Can sometimes be super challenging and confusing. Plus, I am still quite insecure about my non-binary-ness I have some serious shame and internalized ish in here because of that I was very worried about sobbing, rambling and severely Perplexing my mother – spoiler that didn’t happen – in fact the conversation went so fantastically that I feel comfortable sharing it with you Hopefully this can help some future NB babes. You’re not gonna hear my mom’s word-for-word replies though, I wanted to keep some parts of our chat private and sacred. They’re not for you They’re for me and her and that’s okay I realized that documenting and sharing every vulnerable part of our lives seems to be the thing to do these days But I’m here to tell you it is perfectly fine to keep some personal things personal. Editing Ash will include a few paraphrased subtitles here and there just for context, but that’s it, alright, Enjoy!… I cry a lot, so Sorry (Music starts again) I will stay with you tonight This doesn’t necessarily have an intention of living somewhere It’s very possible that this recording is just for me, and this doesn’t see the light of day for a hundred different reasons I’m gonna text, gonna text. I have a thing not gonna, not gonna talk much more about it, though, or I’ll work myself up Doing it. Just doing it. (Mom on phone) Hello Ash: Hii! Ooh What kind of scones are they that sounds awesome you made the walnut ones before or someone else did? You have made scones on more than one occasion? Oh? That’s so fancy. I have never made scones. I’ve only consumed them, and they’re delicious Oh, I’m sorry that must have been hard, yeah, that must have been hard. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm Mm-hmm that makes sense yeah ha, that’s weird um well It’s something that I’ve wanted to talk to you about for a while um um oh crap Um it’s really not a big deal, but um you know Sorry, you know how you’re a crier, and I’m a crier so crap. I thought it would at least get further than this oh That’s too bad, I thought I would get way further than that at least um Right it’s like as soon as soon as like any kind of first voice quiver happens It’s like all downhill from there so yeah, it’s something that I wanted to talk to you for a while about but um I don’t think it’s Scary, or I don’t think it’s that that big of a deal. I don’t think it really changes Anything and and um before I tell you it I just want to tell you that I’m telling you because I love you and because I want to have like a really close relationship and I don’t want anything to ever like go untalked about or Unasked about or avoided or anything because like one of us or both of us or whatever is Uncomfortable or scared or something because that’s just not the relationship that I want to have with my mom because I…I…I Yeah, um so, that’s why I’m telling you. No. I’m not doing drugs Did you ask me that to lighten the mood? You’re nice that was nice Um and then also before I tell you um I’m just going to tell you about like maybe two things that I’m a little bit worried about and the first one is I’m worried that I’ll tell you and You’ll try to like I don’t know talk me out of something. I think that would hurt me a little bit, and then the other one is I’m worried that I’ll tell you and You’ll think that it’s like silly or something. I think that would Oh you’re so good um I also want you to like ask any questions that you have um and Whatever, and and and I want you to like you know be honest with I don’t know any anything you might be wondering or any Any feeling that you might have So I don’t you want you to like, I don’t know I want you to like you know be honest about how you feel about Like me and stuff like that so I guess it kind of comes in two parts I’ll start with the first one um you know you’ve read my book So you know that like? Right too many times um so you know that the way that I see The way that a lot of people and the way that I see gender is that it exists You know like on a spectrum, and I’m like pretty sure that you know this But we’ve never actually like super talked about it like head-on I think by reading my book and like just if you watch anything I do online and stuff you are kind of aware that I Don’t exist like exist all the way on one end of the spectrum I either like feel in the middle or I kind of move around a little bit or something like that and then a word That you could use to like describe that and a word that I’ve been using to describe that Kind of as of late is the word trans so I would say that I’m trans so that would be like the first part How do you feel about that? Okay, yeah, that’s a real That’s a really good or that’s like a normal thing to think and that’s not exactly how I feel so it can also be like somebody who was a girl and now feels like in the middle or or Because I definitely don’t feel like a guy so it so it it would be just anything where your gender doesn’t Match What yeah no no questions are stupid? Oh, um cuz that just doesn’t feel right to me like If somebody were to say like they’re a guy, I would be like no um It’s kind of like if somebody said you were a guy you would just know like oh, that’s not right But it kind of feels the same way with like if somebody were to look at me and be like you are Exclusively a girl I would have the exact same feeling I’d be like oh no that’s not right Right no yeah, no, I think that’s like how a lot of that. I think that’s like a total yeah I think that makes a lot of sense. I think the difference is like it goes beyond clothing um It’s definitely not just clothes, and it’s definitely not just like gender roles. It’s also like just an internal Sense it’s kind of hard to explain which I think is why it can be so confusing well Maybe that well first of all how are you doing? Okay good cool. Maybe the second part will kind of explain It maybe a little bit more so the second thing and probably the thing I’m just like a little bit more nervous to tell you Is that um You got it. Yeah, you know Yeah, but I think I want to go like all the way Right because it doesn’t feel right to me to Have that it would be like if you woke up with something That you didn’t have before yeah, and then oh I’m not upset. I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not upset at like your question or anything I Just know, it’s different, so I’m so like sensitive about Like being yeah, but no I think that’s a totally normal like none of your questions are Bad or…or they’re they don’t know your questions don’t upset me just like my own insecurities. Grace is totally supportive, and she totally gets it and Grace is like perfect We’re Going to like with Our surgeon talk through like how pregnancy Will affect any kind of like surgery and also like how like the best strategies for like keeping a biological kiddo super healthy if that’s the route we want to take Okay, cool uh-huh Sure uh-huh No, yeah, no, uh yeah. I said that’s kind of how I feel, but I know not everybody can feel that way I think that we all just proj… I think we’d like project our own insecurities on the people that we care most about You know like like I knew like I I knew that you in my brain I ran this conversation 100 times and Right in like 99 out of Oh Yeah I know and I didn’t wanna, I didn’t wanna, I wanted us to like actually talk about it rather than like I don’t know Think it’s harder sometimes to tell people that you actually care about you know Yeah, no definitely. well And that’s another reason that I wanted to talk to you because it can take Some recovery so in my brain since I love you so much. I was hoping that uh Once I go through it if you have time off work You’d fly up and help me recover because it takes a little Just like it like a few days of just having like a person by your side Okay, that’s good to know yeah No, that’s fine That’s okay, this is that’s fine Right that makes sense That’s funny. If that’s your biggest objection, then I think that this is I don’t think anybody I don’t think anybody would be like controversial or different like on purpose Like I know how many times I wished I didn’t feel that way because I think it’s so I don’t know It’s just so Strangely unique, so I like, like I wish I just didn’t but I can’t like I just I couldn’t I couldn’t anymore so Yeah, I just don’t think anybody would do that like I don’t know on purpose you know It’s just how they are I think people sometimes get hung up on stuff like this too because then they’re like well What are the chances that you’re gay and this and this and it’s like I don’t know brah It’s just how it is, but I agree. It is a pretty big coincidence But sometimes they can’t get past that All right, well. I’ll let you go mom, but I love you so much, and thank you for like literally I don’t know saying exactly the most perfect things and being a good mom and being accepting and and everything I love you too Okay I will I will I will I will I will Gotcha, yes, good to know okay, all right. Okay. Love you. Bye mom I recorded though for 54 minutes, so there is no way that Anywhere close to most of it is going online. I feel like I want to go for like a celebratory dinner Because I’m happy it feels like a weight off my chest no pun intended (Music) There is a truth and it’s on our side Also, if any of you are curious regarding the timeline of when this happened it occurred right before I came out to the Internet But it took a while for me to post Because I wanted to make sure this video is perfect and I wanted to run it by my mom and get permission to post it Cuz you can’t just record people and post them without asking Just so you know you got to make sure they’re ok with it And you got to make sure they’re comfy with everything you’re putting out there if they’re involved and sometimes I feel like we forget that. A lot of youtubers just hide cameras around the house perform non-consentual pranks err Drama story times that involve other people without any regard for if those people are okay with that So I’m trying to model the opposite of that behavior Considering others. This is a reminder to do that (Music) Dawn is coming, open your eyes Yay, thank you so much for watching if you want to see the next part of my trans journey be sure to hit that notifications Bell and you can watch me become me some more Okay, bye Look into the Sun as a new day’s rise