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Brittney Smaila – Dating Mental Illness

December 30, 2019


I’ve seen too many articles detailing just why dating someone with a mental illness is a good idea As I’m reading these articles all I’m reading is romanticized pain Glorified illness trust me you do not want to date my mental illness For the first months of our relationship, I will seem perfect I will be just aloof enough, strangely straight forward because I’ve got nothing to lose Only once I realize you’re here to stay will things begin to get bumpy You will get annoyed with my sudden n-neediness, when did I get so clingy? I said I wasn’t a jealous person So why am I so fucking jealous? What is wrong with me? I will apologize. I’m sorry that you’re dating me I I will try to be your support, but when you tell me you’re depressed because your fish Just died I hear a lack of understanding and I want you to think about how the words “attempted suicide” look as a centerpiece on the family dinner table How they look tattooed across your forehead because you can tell that everyone knows. Why else would they be looking at you like that? And they are looking at you like that What do you mean by Paranoia? I can just tell you don’t like me. I get the vibe, you don’t like me I’m pretty sure you don’t like me. Please reassure me that you like me. I know you get tired of it I know this is the fourth time I’ve checked in two days But how can I be sure that your answer hasn’t changed? That you haven’t grown tired of me in the mean time. Because I have grown tired of me in the mean time. I haven’t heard a positive word in years- my doctor says I tune them out But I don’t know how because I’m trying so hard to listen for them. Maybe I’m just not tuned in to the right frequency Maybe they’re just not said with enough frequency Please reassure me that you like me, reassure me that you like me, reassure me that you like me Reassure me that my presence is not a burden That it’s okay that I started crying in the middle of the grocery store and couldn’t explain why. that it’s okay that I haven’t done the dishes in three weeks. Haven’t got out of bed in four days and counting I’m sorry that you’re dating me. When you take me out to dinner, hope that I am eating that week Hope that your friends don’t notice when I get drunk off one beer because that’s all I’ve consumed in the past sixty three hours I’m sorry that you’re dating me When you pay for the movie don’t be angry when I fall asleep The nightmares are just to frequent to rest anywhere, except with your arm around me. I’m sorry that you’re dating me Yeah, you can come over tonight. We’ll have sex and it will be the best of your life But I will have been far away the entire time going through the motions I know you like. You will finish, I will apologize I am sorry that you’re dating me [audience claps]

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