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Brewstew – Stomach Flu

September 25, 2019


https://brewstew.com I think we can all agree, that getting the flu sucks! Nobody wants to be hovering over a toilet all day,
like you’re some kind of.. Olsen twin And every time I get the flu,
I get it the exact same way every single time I’d be standing there at work, feeling like shit My stomach’s like
BRLRLRLVRLVRBLRLBRLBLRLRBLRWLEGH Somebody would walk up to you,
“Man, you look like shit!” “Oh, thanks a lot! That’s what I was going for!” “It’s probably ‘cuz I feel like shit, you dumbass!” “Oh, you probably have what I had!
I had a bad case of poops!” Like, “What the fuck did you just say?
Why did you come to work then, huh?” “Well, I thought I’d come in
and breathe on everybody..” “Maybe lick all the doorknobs in this place” So then I’ll come home and..
I’m still feeling like shit! But I lie to myself, like
“Nnnaah, I’m not getting sick!” “I.. I ate some Pizza Rolls four days ago,
that’s probably what it was!” “Probably Pizza Rolls!” And as soon as you think that,
that’s when it hits ya You burst through the bathroom door *BOOOOM* You’re not sure if you’re gonna throw up
or you’re gonna shit your pants Like, “Oh, I guess I’ll just hang out
in the bathtub, see what happens” And when I have the flu,
I just can’t get off the toilet I’d be sitting there all fucking day! “Hey can you come out here now?” Like, “Well, I’d fucking love to..” “.. If I wasn’t so sure I’d shit in my pants
as soon as I walk out the door” Hours go by and I’m still sitting there I’m taking meals on the toilet Which is gross, I know
You’re not supposed to eat while you’re poopin’ I’ve only ever done that once
and that was when I was eating an ice cream cone And I had to poop What do you do in a situation like that? Well, you fuckin’..
eat your ice cream cone while you’re poopin’! You’re not gonna let it melt!
Waste a perfectly good ice cream cone! Don’t judge me, I still think it was a good decision! I’d sit there for so long, I’d think,
“Man, am I gonna make it? Am I gonna die here?” “Well, he was a good man.
He just couldn’t hold the poop in his butt” But at least I wasn’t throwing up The last time I threw up from the flu
is when I was nine years old *Pop* And I puked all over my Sega Genesis controller And every time you throw up,
you remember exactly what you ate before you did it And it’s always some stupid-ass combination of food Shit, that doesn’t even make sense Yeah, let’s.. let’s eat pizza and cereal! How about some.. some pickles and hot chocolate? Maybe some popcorn
and cat litter, yeah, good choice! And on that faithful night I had a nutritious meal
of Fritos and Gummy bears You know, what that fuckin’
looks like, coming back up? Like a goddamn nightmare, that’s what it looks like Now I can’t eat Fritos anymore, ’cause it reminds me
of throwing up on 16-bit videogame systems But at least I was never
the kid who threw up in class In sixth grade I sat next to a kid, named Jacob And one day we were balls-deep in a spelling test And he raised his hand and said, “Ms. Faztech.. I don’t feel very..” *BLUERGH* “OH YOU SICK LITTLE MONKEY!” Threw up all over my goddamn desk The teacher’s shuffling kids out of the room,
like building’s on fire And on that day we had recess for like an hour While the janitor cleaned up
the hellhole of a classroom Jacob left behind All the macaroni and cheese and Skittles
that he ate for lunch that day And from that day on, Jacob was no longer Jacob He was the kid who threw up in class Which is just a notch above
the kid who pissed himself in class It’s something you’re never gonna live down I’ve seen him the other day, I was like,
“Hey, Jacob! What’s going on?” “Are you gonna fuckin’ throw up
all over the goddamn place again? You drunk maniac!”

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