Articles

Bad Sponsors: Anaconda Condoms, Urinal Scones

October 24, 2019


-Now, every television show,
I don’t need to tell you, has sponsors
to help cover the expenses. Unfortunately, we’re a
little overbudget this month, and to make up the difference, we had to take on some
additional sponsors. They are terrible sponsors, sponsors we’re not proud of. I’m ashamed we took their money,
but because we did, we now have to mention them
on the air. So, I’d like to apologize
in advance. “Late Night” is brought to you
by Anaconda Condoms. Got a promiscuous anaconda? Make sure he’s
got Anaconda Condoms, the only condoms for anacondoms. My anaconda don’t want none
unless you got protection, hon. We’re also sponsored
by Wet Cleaners. Wet Cleaners. We’ve all tried dry cleaners, but now it’s time for
Wet Cleaners, the cleaners that will get the
stains out of your clothes but also return them to you
in a big, sopping mess. Wet Cleaners —
don’t mind if I mil-do. Next up, Cap’n Crunch
Oops! All Bugs, the only Cap’n Crunch
that’s all bugs. Cap’n Crunch Oops! All Bugs — there’s a prize inside,
and it’s laying eggs. Up next, Derby Glue, made from the last-place
finisher of the Kentucky Derby. The winner goes to a stud farm, and the loser gets to do
crafts with you. Derby Glue — the worst runners
make the best glue. We’re also brought to you
tonight by Strep Clubs. Tired of getting turned away
from your favorite adult-entertainment
establishment because of your fever
and hacking cough? Well, hit up a Strep Club, where the dancers and the
customers all have strep throat. Strep Clubs — coming to the stage,
it’s a bacterial infection. We’re also brought to you
by Gribbons. Is your gibbon underdressed? Dress him up with Gribbons. Ribbons for your gibbon. Simply lure your Gibbon close
to you, catch him, and restrain him long enough to
put a ribbon in his hair. Gribbons —
that’s one glamorous gibbon. Nip ‘N Slide, the only
Slip ‘N Slide guaranteed to make one of your boobs
pop out. We’re also brought to you
tonight by Swallets. Tired of carrying a big, bulky
wallet in your pocket? Wish there was another way? Well, now there is
with Swallets, the only wallet you swallow. Just swallow your wallet,
go where you need to go, and wait 6 to 12 hours
for your next bowel movement. It’s that easy. Swallets, the only wallets that
will have you saying, “Yum.” We’re also brought to you
tonight by Urinal Scones. [ Audience groans ] [ Laughter ] You guys, I have a question. Are you guys tired of peeing on
boring old urinal cakes? Well, then try Urinal Scones and
turn your restroom into a loo. Urinal Scones, the only scones
that will make you say, “Fancy a piss, guvna?” Winner, winner, winner,
winner, winner… And, lastly, Blowgurt. Finally, what we’ve all
been waiting for — yogurt with cocaine in it.
[ Cheers and applause ] Blowgurt will take you from a —
there we go — from a timid yogurt eater to
yogurt eater who’s king of the [bleep] world. Whoo! Blowgurt —
score some today. That’s it for our bad sponsors.
Here’s some of our good ones.

No Comments

Leave a Reply