Articles, Blog

Aromatherapy ER

March 6, 2020


It’s been like that for a week. I don’t know what to do. Let me ask you: Are you on Tinder? I mean, I dabble. You have Tinder Finger. Tinder Finger? It’s quite common, caused by relentless swiping. “Relentless” is a strong word. You’re an addict. I just want to be loved. I know. I’ve got just the thing. This is my proprietary blend based in Arnica oil, with birch, black pepper for circulation, clary sage and a drop of rose for the heart. I call it the Tinder Finger De-Kinker. The Tinder Finger De-Kinker… I’ll take it. There, there we go. Okay. Thanks. How may I help you? The sign? What sign? Out front. Oh, you mean the job posting. Yep. Are you from the Institute? Nope. You took one of my seminars. Nah. Online course? Uh uh. I’m sorry, how did you hear about the job? I need an alternative wellness credit. And this place definitely looks alternative. Alternative. Yeah, for my pre-med major. Sorry, pre-med. I’m gonna be a surgeon. I’m sorry, the position has been filled! Umm I literally just saw the sign. Well you forfeited your chance the
moment you entered into an unholy covenant with a healthcare industrial
complex . Excuse me? What do we have here, Rowan? A 32-year-old woman experiencing shortness of breath and disorientation. OK what’s her name? Samantha. OK, Samantha, can you hear me? OK, Samantha, can you tell
me what you feel? Can’t breathe. OK, Samantha, how long have you been
feeling like this? Four, five years. OK, what’s been causing the anxiety? Kids, job… You mean, the pressures of being a woman in a modern society in which are expected to be the
perfect mom and wife all pursuing your dream career with the implicit promise
you can have it all but in pursuing everything you sacrifice yourself? *nods* Just as I suspected. Bring me vetiver, Australian sandalwood
French lavender and the nebulizing diffuser. Stat! Stay with me, Samantha! One drop, vetiver. Six drops of chamomile. Seven drops of lavender. Clear! We’re losing her! Oh, please, she’s fine. Bring me the Roman chamomile! Are you sure?! Do it. Yes, yes! Go, go! OK, go! OK, go! One more drop! Vira! I said more more drop! I can’t. Want me to do it? Vira, no! No, the blending factor, Vira! Oh no, not the blending factor. *gasps* What happened? You had an acute anxiety attack, but
you’re going to be just fine. Can I get some water? Of course! Here you go. It’s Bulgarian rose water. What just happened? We just saved this woman’s life through the power of aromatic synergy. Umm, no you didn’t. This woman had a panic attack him and then she snapped out of it, having nothing to do with your hocus pocus. Is that right? Samantha, what do you think? You saved my life. Thank you. Why is she limping? You saw the patient with your own eyes. You heard her with your own ears, yet you
still refuse to believe the truth. Oh come on, it’s a placebo effect. Do you think it’s a coincidence that the base notes that anchor an aromatic blend are often roots, the literal base of plants? That’s Mother Earth telling us something. Telling us what? That you’re a hippie? Show some respect! Vira is the Northeast district director of the National Association of Holistic
Aromatherapy and a two-time Blend-Off champion. And I’m a level twenty cleric 20. Remember, you’re the one that came in here looking for a job. There are hundreds of certified aromatherapists who would kill for this position. Look, Miranda Priestly, there’s no proof that these blends can do some of the things you claim they do. They’re not peer-reviewed or FDA approved! Are you serious? The FDA is trying to control our minds via chemtrails with nanobots developed from alien technology recovered from Area 51. That’s an impressive conspiracy theory workrate. Oh did I mention the chemtrails? Yeah, you led with that, actually. Oh well, Tower 7, look it up. Yeah, I’ll do that. Good, you should. Good, I will. You’re hired. What? Yeah, what? I’m going to show you the true power of aromatherapy. Welcome to Aromatherapy ER! Nooo. Vira! Can we talk about this? Vira?! *”Analog or Digital” by Wildlife Control plays*

11 Comments

  • Reply Bri Castellini September 12, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    YES FINALLY IT'S LIVE!

  • Reply Polaris DiB September 12, 2019 at 4:19 pm

    @5:25 so THAT'S why I saw that one lady dancing down the street one time.

  • Reply Cameron Clarke September 12, 2019 at 4:48 pm

    So psyched to finally see this!

  • Reply Daniela Carrasco September 12, 2019 at 4:55 pm

    I know many who would benefit from the Tinder Finger De-kinker.

    Also, that limp gets me every time. Lol.

  • Reply Eric Russell Lynch September 12, 2019 at 10:57 pm

    Man, I enjoyed that very much!

  • Reply Jessica Coyle September 13, 2019 at 3:08 am

    Yaaaaaas – love how this came out.

  • Reply Josee Nadeau September 13, 2019 at 5:58 pm

    I'm a nurse, and I'm crunchy AF. This is good haha

  • Reply Brittany Skipper September 13, 2019 at 10:44 pm

    Love!!!!

  • Reply leahcarruth96 September 15, 2019 at 2:39 pm

    Love this! Can’t wait to see more❤️

  • Reply Angel Pean September 19, 2019 at 5:37 pm

    Still can't get enough of this! Makes me laugh every time 🙂

  • Reply FemFusion Fitness September 21, 2019 at 9:23 am

    I SO appreciate the humor in this show! Looking forward to more…

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